I fall.

My heart was heavy this week. What am I doing? Am I sure that I hear God? Do I really know things to be true? Am I doing the right things for my family? Some of the questions that have been running through my mind this week. Are we supposed to stay in NYC? Do we need to move back to MI? My sense has been that we are where we are supposed to be. We are in NYC for God's purpose. We are supposed to support pastor times two, be the church, pour into our neighborhood, our kids, their friends, others first. There have been a couple of career opportunities that have come to me - in MI. Intriguing to me. Challenging. Moves up. But I have tried to pay attention to what God is teaching me. Pushing into the question - are we to stay in NYC? My answer continues to seem to be yes. Stay. You are in the right spot. All this when (again, surprise) my work position seems to be a temporary thing. I have been assured that this position is good for this year. Beyond that, there are no guarantees. Sound familiar? And so I question myself. I talk with my superstar. It certainly seems we are in the right place. She is a rock star pouring into our kids' schools. Seems like we are plugged into where we are supposed to be plugged in. Alli's school happens to be looking for a HS principal. Is that what I am to do? Not sure again. I have come to the conclusion that I am not sure about most anything. This week I sit in a hotel room catching a bit of the blindside - and sense the holy spirit doing something in me,and I ask "What do you want me to do?" And I truly am not sure what the answer is - I really have no idea. None. Over the last week, one daughter lied to us and didn't show us her report card. The other continues to struggle with using words with us that demonstrate respect. And my superstar was in the dumps. And so multiply my not knowing by a million. And I am hit again by how the love is poured out on big mike in this movie. And I feel like God pours out his love on me in that fashion. Flashback music...... And on the plane to MI this week that love poured out onto me. The entire plane ride was God loving me. Start - the beautiful view of Manhattan. Up up and away. And the beauty of the avenues full of tail lights. My home from the air. Beauty unleashed, as I like to say. The bridges. The rivers. The Atlantic Ocean. Coney Island. My Brooklyn. Just a bit of Prospect Park in the distance. And I am reminded that God brought me here. He gave me everything I needed to get here. Everything. Beyond what I deserve. The Big Three I used to say. A job. Check. Sell our home. Check. A place to live. Check. (Did I mention all of the items on our hopes list for our apartment? - Check) All of them given to us. Beyond what we deserve. And growing each of us beyond what we deserve as well. Back to the plane ride. The horizon with a golden orange sun with a hint of red at the center. For nearly the entire ride. I just sat there in complete awe of the fact that I was on a piece of metal going to another place, looking a ball of fire just far enough away to keep us warm and not so far as we would freeze. And I think God was just holding the sun long enough in the sky to reassure me that He is there. He is there with me. No matter what. The beauty of the sunset seemed like a volcano of love coming straight from God to me. The orange and yellow and red lava of love pouring out to me. To my heart. To me. Just for me. And for the first time ever, I saw the jet trails of exhaust - you know the ones you see crisscrossing up in the sky from the ground? - only this time I saw them from the air. From above. Alongside me - or the plane. Coming past me. Going ahead of me. Below me. This side of the plane. That side. This is the path of a lifetime? So many paths. Conversing together. But this was the path I was on. I am on. That day. Today. And the comfort. Of knowing. That He is with me on this path. That he is going before me to clear the way. In my honor. To glorify His name. His holy name. And listening to Danny Cox music the whole ride engaged my soul at a deeper level. (PS Thanks Danny Cox) Am I experiencing remorse? Do I have to leave this job I am in that I love? What do I need to do? I sense that we are certainly supposed to stay in BKLY - certainly seems that this is to be so. And I write - 'I will trust in the Lord my God.' And I listen to "I Fall": I know My flesh is week in all these These thoughts I think dont come from A heart that seeks your name And I'm humbled By the thought of you I'm weekened But strength into I know now I can't live without you And everytime I feel I'm lost inside this place And every time I need The strength to find my darker place I fall I fall down on my knees Lord I'll give you everything Lord You are so good to me Even grass fields They know the breath of your majesty The way that you can set things free They bow with every breeze The wind knows It listens to your every word And carries it so you are heard Singing through the trees Every time I feel Lost inside theis place And every time I need The strength to find my darker space I fall I fall down on my knees Lord I'll give you everything Lord You are so good to me Yes I know My flesh is week in all these These thoughts I think don't come from A heart that seeks your name Everytime I feel Lost inside this place Everytime I kneel I'm surrounded by your grace Everytime I need The strength to find my darker place I fall I fall Yes I fall Oh and I fall I fall down on my knees Oh I give you everything You are so good You are so good to me Oh yes I fall I fall down on my knees I give you everything You are so good to me And even tonight. I sit in this hotel room. And it is not easy. It is not easy to not know. Much of anything. But I know when I fall on my knees, it doesn't really matter if I know. It matters that I fall. And so I fall. I give you everything Lord. You are so good to me.