Order the Combo Meal

I am doing pretty well with one of my NYR goals this year - to read my bible and journal every day of twenty twelve. I know, you're thinking - 'hey that's great T$, but we're not even two weeks in'. I know. Humility. But I am excited as I press into the word each day and spend time engaging with God, and hopefully hearing things that I need to hear to grow in our relationship, and grow in understanding what I am on this earth to do each day. Trust has been a regular theme that continues to evolve in my conversations with God, and certainly in this time, I need to continue to trust Him more with more of my life. It is greatly rewarding personally to let all of the anxiety of life go, and allow Him to give me the peace Paul describes in Phillipians 4:7:

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

But we are looking at HOPE at communitasnyc as of late, and I had somewhat of a revelation this morning in my quiet time. Hope is something that is anticipated in the future, a feeling that things will turn out well down the road. I have hope, for example, that one day I will be with God forever. (Such a small sentence that means so much)That is something that I look forward to. But - (dramatic pause. cue the movie music. show graphic of sunrise.) in order to have that hope for the future, for what is to come, I must demonstrate trust in the present, that is NOW. This is the conduit with which I have hope, in the trust I have now. But - (dramatic pause, music, scene) in order to trust in Him now, I must remember the past. I have to remind myself of what God has done for me in the past, and we are all idiots in that we SO EASILY FORGET what God has done for us. I am reading the old testament as of late, and I read these stories and think "YOU IDIOTS! DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHAT GOD HAS DONE FOR YOU? PARTING A SEA? MANNA? HELLO!!!" And then, depression sets in.... Why you ask? Because I am just as stupid as the Israelites. I forget about the Red Sea moments in my life where God saved me with wreckless abandon. I forget about how delicious the manna is that He fed me at times I needed to be sustained. And so, we must look back at things in the past - not to perseverate on them, but to remember things God has done for us - so that we can trust Him more in this moment, today, which leads us to the hope He desires us to experience for the future. Brilliant.

In the midst.

A new year. New beginnings. New life. The old has gone, the new has come. An opportunity to set new goals based on the past, leave mistakes behind. Start afresh. Right. We are only four days into the year, and it appears the turmoil and tornadoes have erupted afresh. The clarity on what I am supposed to be doing in my job is the polar opposite of clarity. Not that I don't know what I am supposed to do in my current role. It is just that I don't know if that spitball is going to stick to the wall, or not. And I am fine with that. It is quite confusing, however. I have a peace that 'transcends all understanding' as Paul wrote to the Phillipians in 4:7. So I look at the message version and hear this:

Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

This is the peace that I am experiencing in the midst of whirlwinds I don't understand. His sense of wholeness - that all of this will come together for GOOD - that is what settles me down in the midst of troubles. I know He is with me. And I don't worry, I pray. God- WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? Help me to see YOUR plan - not what I desire (although I also have expressed my STRONG feelings to Him continuously for several years now)And those prayers are shaped by that kind of petition - and praise that He has never let me down in my career. EVER. That is something that will displace worry for anyone. EVER.

Twenty Twelve

Here we are. The last day of 2011. (By the by, I am still in the 'twenty-eleven' camp, and tomorrow, I will be in the twenty-twelve camp). What a year this has been. Communitas is in an incredible place right now, on the edge of trusting God to lead us, and not having a pile of money in the bank can certainly lead you to more trust. The girls are healthy, have great friends and teachers. Superstar is always helping - somewhere, someone, including the kkft. I praise God for the opportunity to live in this great city and serve others. We certainly suck at times, and by no means are we even close to perfect, but when I really pay attention to God, when I tune in each morning, take time to journal, open my eyes ears heart and mind to what He wants me to see, do, experience, I am more equipped in this broken world to experience the hand of God in my life. And He seems to put Has hand in my life just when I need a boost. So next year, I have a goal for myself. Pastor writes out his goals each year, and I have started to blog mine in recent years (go ahead, look back then if you don't believe me). Last year's goals were to write in my journal each day - fail. (although drastic improvements from years past) So that is going back on the list. I wonder if I could make it to 365 days in a row? Next, date with the k girls each month - fail. But certainly again, drastic improvements from years past. Back on the list. The other four I am going to lump together - seeing what God wants me to see, seeking the counsel of godly men, seeking God's help in areas I struggle, and doing my best to pour into others before pouring into myself. These four continue to be a challenge as well - and certainly the self-serving continues to be a struggle. This year, God continues to give me the phrase "others first" in my quiet time. This is a challenge I am committing to in twenty twelve. To commit myself to living out the Jesus Creed outlined in Mark 12:29-31:

"The most important one, ansered Jesus, is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."

This is what Jesus taught us to do - a) to build our relationship with Him, the creator of the universe - through actions like love within our heart and soul (emotional and spiritual action), and with all our mind (intellect action) and with all our strength (physical action). These are not passive things that happen. You don't just happen to love someone in your life. Think about it - there are times where I don't feel the love for my wife (sorry superstar, it is true) - but I must work and act to ensure that I am not fooled into acting thus. When my children disrespect me, it is a hard action to express my love with my heart and soul, with my mind and my strength. When a 'neighbor' punches another 'neighbor' in the face, it is hard for me to express love in action to that person. But I am commanded to do so. To love them like I love myself. And believe you me, I love myself - sometimes too much. But my prayer again this year is that I continue to grow in putting others first. In serving others before myself. And so I search my bible (thanks Siri) for 'strengthen' - go ahead try it, there are so many times this phrase is used in the bible. But for me, it is Paul's letter in Ephesians 3 that is an encouragement. It is not within me to be strengthened on my own - whether it is spiritual, emotional, physical, mental. It is within the power of Christ that I am strengthened as I turn to Him to lead my steps. And I fall and praise Him in glory and magnificence.

I fall.

My heart was heavy this week. What am I doing? Am I sure that I hear God? Do I really know things to be true? Am I doing the right things for my family? Some of the questions that have been running through my mind this week. Are we supposed to stay in NYC? Do we need to move back to MI? My sense has been that we are where we are supposed to be. We are in NYC for God's purpose. We are supposed to support pastor times two, be the church, pour into our neighborhood, our kids, their friends, others first. There have been a couple of career opportunities that have come to me - in MI. Intriguing to me. Challenging. Moves up. But I have tried to pay attention to what God is teaching me. Pushing into the question - are we to stay in NYC? My answer continues to seem to be yes. Stay. You are in the right spot. All this when (again, surprise) my work position seems to be a temporary thing. I have been assured that this position is good for this year. Beyond that, there are no guarantees. Sound familiar? And so I question myself. I talk with my superstar. It certainly seems we are in the right place. She is a rock star pouring into our kids' schools. Seems like we are plugged into where we are supposed to be plugged in. Alli's school happens to be looking for a HS principal. Is that what I am to do? Not sure again. I have come to the conclusion that I am not sure about most anything. This week I sit in a hotel room catching a bit of the blindside - and sense the holy spirit doing something in me,and I ask "What do you want me to do?" And I truly am not sure what the answer is - I really have no idea. None. Over the last week, one daughter lied to us and didn't show us her report card. The other continues to struggle with using words with us that demonstrate respect. And my superstar was in the dumps. And so multiply my not knowing by a million. And I am hit again by how the love is poured out on big mike in this movie. And I feel like God pours out his love on me in that fashion. Flashback music...... And on the plane to MI this week that love poured out onto me. The entire plane ride was God loving me. Start - the beautiful view of Manhattan. Up up and away. And the beauty of the avenues full of tail lights. My home from the air. Beauty unleashed, as I like to say. The bridges. The rivers. The Atlantic Ocean. Coney Island. My Brooklyn. Just a bit of Prospect Park in the distance. And I am reminded that God brought me here. He gave me everything I needed to get here. Everything. Beyond what I deserve. The Big Three I used to say. A job. Check. Sell our home. Check. A place to live. Check. (Did I mention all of the items on our hopes list for our apartment? - Check) All of them given to us. Beyond what we deserve. And growing each of us beyond what we deserve as well. Back to the plane ride. The horizon with a golden orange sun with a hint of red at the center. For nearly the entire ride. I just sat there in complete awe of the fact that I was on a piece of metal going to another place, looking a ball of fire just far enough away to keep us warm and not so far as we would freeze. And I think God was just holding the sun long enough in the sky to reassure me that He is there. He is there with me. No matter what. The beauty of the sunset seemed like a volcano of love coming straight from God to me. The orange and yellow and red lava of love pouring out to me. To my heart. To me. Just for me. And for the first time ever, I saw the jet trails of exhaust - you know the ones you see crisscrossing up in the sky from the ground? - only this time I saw them from the air. From above. Alongside me - or the plane. Coming past me. Going ahead of me. Below me. This side of the plane. That side. This is the path of a lifetime? So many paths. Conversing together. But this was the path I was on. I am on. That day. Today. And the comfort. Of knowing. That He is with me on this path. That he is going before me to clear the way. In my honor. To glorify His name. His holy name. And listening to Danny Cox music the whole ride engaged my soul at a deeper level. (PS Thanks Danny Cox) Am I experiencing remorse? Do I have to leave this job I am in that I love? What do I need to do? I sense that we are certainly supposed to stay in BKLY - certainly seems that this is to be so. And I write - 'I will trust in the Lord my God.' And I listen to "I Fall": I know My flesh is week in all these These thoughts I think dont come from A heart that seeks your name And I'm humbled By the thought of you I'm weekened But strength into I know now I can't live without you And everytime I feel I'm lost inside this place And every time I need The strength to find my darker place I fall I fall down on my knees Lord I'll give you everything Lord You are so good to me Even grass fields They know the breath of your majesty The way that you can set things free They bow with every breeze The wind knows It listens to your every word And carries it so you are heard Singing through the trees Every time I feel Lost inside theis place And every time I need The strength to find my darker space I fall I fall down on my knees Lord I'll give you everything Lord You are so good to me Yes I know My flesh is week in all these These thoughts I think don't come from A heart that seeks your name Everytime I feel Lost inside this place Everytime I kneel I'm surrounded by your grace Everytime I need The strength to find my darker place I fall I fall Yes I fall Oh and I fall I fall down on my knees Oh I give you everything You are so good You are so good to me Oh yes I fall I fall down on my knees I give you everything You are so good to me And even tonight. I sit in this hotel room. And it is not easy. It is not easy to not know. Much of anything. But I know when I fall on my knees, it doesn't really matter if I know. It matters that I fall. And so I fall. I give you everything Lord. You are so good to me.

Season of Trust

If you follow this blog, you are aware that over the last four years, I have really tried to open my hands that I hold my career in, and allow God to lead me in this area. Not been easy. Not going to lie. But it does get easier as I go. The last four years have really been a challenge in that area - at times I have felt like: "Really, God? This is it?" This year is a bit different. I am so thankful that God has given me the opportunity to do what I am doing. But a great conversation with AD has led me (once again) to the conclusion that I really don't know what will happen beyond this year. Much like pastor's present state of employment, we both really are not certain what will come. My hope and my prayer is that I can continue to do what I am doing, for the company that I am doing it with. I believe in what we are doing. I passionately support the vision and mission. But my position is not locked in beyond this year. (Sound familiar?) And so I have had a sense that God is doing something new with this. Maybe it is what I am now doing - maybe that is the new thing. Or maybe there is something elso coming. So I am trying to keep my eyes and ears open to wherever God might lead me in this season. And yesterday, I ran in @prospectpark, two loops I might add = 6.82 miles. (By the by, the second run this week over 6 miles) As I ran (and passed superstar going the other way on her loop), I took in the beauty of the park, this city, where I am. Not quite as beautiful with most of the leaves down, but beautiful rays of sun hitting the grass that is still green, the smell of fall in the air, and yet a chill that hit me whenever the wind broke through the trees. And it made me think about the seasons of my life, the seasons of the year, and our present season. And felt like God was telling me I am in the Season of Trust. I certainly continue to learn more about what trusting God means in so many areas of my life. I even bought a journal that has 'Trust in the Lord' on the cover and every page. When I bought it I thought 'yeah, this is a good daily reminder', and it has been when I sit down to share my heart with God and try to discern what He wants me to hear. But I can't help but wonder if the 'Season of Trust' will ever end? It doesn't seem like it, it seems like this is something that I am going to have to continue to do is trust God more in more areas of my life, with more of the things I desperately try to hold onto and not give to Him. But I enjoy this season, and presently hope it never ends.