Conviction Hurts

This week, I was truly humbled in my work. Funny that I got a call from my broseph in MI that felt the same thing this week. It hurts when someone has to tell you that you are not meeting expectations. There are many complicated pieces to my work puzzle this year, but that has been some type of crutch for me to rest on. This week, benzr challenged me to get off the crutch - and it hurt. It hurt me that I wasn't doing my best in all areas. It hurt me that I have been trying to keep up in this crazy race, but haven't made pace with my typical work ethic. I had blinders on my eyes, and had convinced myself that I was doing my best. Truth be told, my eyes were opened yesterday to the brutal truth that indeed I was not doing my flat out best. I was working hard, but I was missing opportunities to have an impact. I was missing opportunities to pour into others in order to make improvements in their lives of work. I knew things that I needed to do, but never got to doing them for this reason or that reason - and some pretty good reasons as it were. But when God convicts you in your heart and spirit, there is no way to go around the hurt. It is too large. Fortunately for me, I work with some incredible people that pour grace over my stupidity. If the brooklyn jew was not on my flight, I don't know if I would have gotten through this just the same or not. He is an incredible man with an incredible way of teaching me things that I need to learn. It is beyond my comprehension that I have this opportunity to work for the two of them, and that it is me here doing what I do. And to know that I blew some things hurts me even more, because I absolutely do not want to let either of them down in any way shape or form. But without their convictions of my inadequacies, I would not grow. To hear benzr tell me on the phone today - 'don't worry T$, I still love ya'. That took a gigantic piece of the hurt away from me. What grace I don't deserve. She is showing me the love of Jesus, and I don't even deserve it. And here I sit, overwhelmed by the hurt of my convictions this week, yet not hurting any longer. Because discipline is hard. It hurts. And today, I hope I grow a little bit stronger out of this gate of life I am going to close. Trust me, Jesus says, and everything will be all right. I'm always with you - no matter what. Thank you God and others for convicting me to the core. I appreciate the insight and the pain and the misery and the love that takes it all away. Trust Jesus, He tells me, and you will be just fine.

Comments

Little Rose of Sharon said…
you are a remarkable man. Keep up the faith.tmp
September 23, 2010 at 10:26 PM
Michael J. Carrasquillo said…
I know how this feels...all to well. Hang in there! This was a great post.
September 24, 2010 at 11:25 AM
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