Teach me.

This year, my career path seems to be something God is using to teach me....well....teach me something.  I'm not yet clear on what it is that He is trying to teach me, but I do know whatever it is - it is good.  Superstar got out the "God Guides" book this week (by Mary Geegh), and I feel like that was God prodding me in such a fine fashion.  It really blows me away that I get to be superstar's husband - this week she also wrote me a love letter.  Not the kind of mushy gushy thing you might think of as you hear the term love letter, but the letter was another clear message to me from God about our marriage, just how special she is, and that He is right in the middle of not only our marriage, but all we are engaged in in our lives.  If you haven't read God Guides, well, you need to.  It is stories collected from Mary whilst she served the kingdom in India - all stories about listening prayer.  As superstar and I felt called to nyc, we used this book as a guide for our calling.  We took time to 'be still' and 'listen' as Psalms 46:10 says.  And God never disappointed us in our search for His will in our move from suburbia and career and family comforts to the unknown in following His plan for our lives.  I don't feel adequate enough to compare myself to Matthew in his calling - and him 'immediately' dropping his nets to follow when Jesus called, but I imagine he must have felt some anxieties and uncertainties in that step.  And I have felt several over the last nearly 6 years in this leg of our journey.  When we felt the call, I kept asking God to reveal the 'big 3' to me.  No, not the motor companies in the D, but what job I would get, where we would live, and what school (hopefully a good one) the girls would attend.  All three have been beyond what I thought would happen.  And now we have been here several years, and the job seems to be at an end.  The job search seems to be continued closed doors, and perhaps as my wise wife said the other day - perhaps I am meant for ministry full time.  That seems a bit confusing to me, and if I am completely honest, frightening.  I have only worked in the education realm for the last 20 years or so, and don't even know how exactly to leave this realm.  And in my mind, if I were to leave the world of education, it seems like that door would close, and it would be even more challenging to reenter that it is now - and believe me with all the applications and interviews and tasks - IT IS CHALLENGING ENOUGH.  But in my love letter, superstar told me that I am inspiring to her in my faith.  That the way I have and am currently handling my submission to His will for my career is inspiring to her.  Because I used to own my career.  I would hold God at arms length and say - thanks God, but I got this on my own.  Don't need you.  I'm good here.  But the more I have submitted to His will, the more I have learned.  The more joy I have gained out of my career.  And also, the more hardships I have faced.  I find that being a Christian white male that is not afraid to stand up for my faith has led me to some hard interactions.  Some challenging situations.  Perhaps prevented me from obtaining positions.  And even though there are days when that is SO hard, I am praise filled for who I am - not in my career - but in Christ who strengthens me.  By the time this summer rolls around, I don't know if I will be in the field of education any more, and it is not because I have a desire to leave it.  I LOVE seeing adults work hard to create positive learning environments for kids.  I love the hugs, photos, smiles, tears, and laughter children have shared with me over the years.  It fills my heart to the gills.  But as I ponder the possibility of God calling me down a new path, I need to listen more.  I need to stop asking God where He wants me.  I need to stop demanding things like the big 3 and be willing to be still.  And listen.  And be guided by the Holy Spirit that is in me and leading me to verdant pastures.  Even when that abiding is so hard, I have no energy to love those around me.  Even when I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.  To listen.  And be still. And be willing to obey what He asks of me.  Oh the peace and joy in this revelation - I wish I could somehow share that with the world.