so afraid.
Matthew 8:26: "He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?"
This is what Jesus said to his disciples when they were in a boat, and the storm was most likely nearly capsizing them - nearing death. No, I am not on a boat, nor did I experience a near capsizing activity. But as you may well know, I do not know where my career is heading. It is hard to think about some days. As one who loves the vision of the future, and idealizing the reality that will come to be, it is really hard for me to not know what I might be doing come July 1. The last several years have been this same reality - not knowing what is to come. And I can honestly say that more often than not, I have been perfectly good with that. (Save a few trying moments, days, seasons - I'm not perfect!) But this time seems to be more of a challenge for me. I have invested in applying, interviewing, asking, seeking, knocking, navigating, networking, insert other words here. It is an emotional experience to invest yourself in job possibilities - and for them to only lead to rejection. And it is hard. I imagine as I sit here how Jesus felt as He was rejected by humanity. Sucked.
I am struggling with navigating each day to this end. I pray that God might forgive me for my inability to build my faith. In my head and in my heart, I know I trust Him, His plan. In the reality of life on earth, it is hard for me to accept the reality of today. I am alive. I have the 'breath' in me of life given to me by Him. His spirit resides in me. And I am saddened that I sit and pout and percolate on the rejections. I should be praising God for the reality that any of these jobs that have not come to me are not what He desires. If it were, would I not garnish them? I need to seek Him more in these moments. And as I do, for example this morning in reading Matthew, He continues to provide for me and challenge me. Matthew 8:26 this morning hit me so well - I am of little faith. I like to think that my faith has grown over the last 5 years, and perhaps it has and I am not paying attention to how much I actually trust God - with my life. My career. My beautiful superstar. My overwhelmingly incredible children that shine God's beauty into mine eyes. My friends. (thanks to all for the messages, texts, etc. - natural disaster included) My neighbors. My relationships with colleagues past, present, and perhaps future. Why am I so afraid? So afraid of not knowing the outcome? Poop nuggets on me for even engaging in the darkness of this world. For there is something greater. And the questions that Jesus asked while He was here on earth still resonate in my heart and spirit today, over 2,000 years after He spoke them.
So I will stand up and do my best to not be so afraid. To trust Him more today than yesterday. Will He not clothe me like the splendor of the daisies in a field? Will He not care for me more than a sparrow that searches for food? Will He not rescue me from my own brokenness? This day is an encouragement to me. I pray each day from now until July 1 will be the same. I stand with Him in this life.
This is what Jesus said to his disciples when they were in a boat, and the storm was most likely nearly capsizing them - nearing death. No, I am not on a boat, nor did I experience a near capsizing activity. But as you may well know, I do not know where my career is heading. It is hard to think about some days. As one who loves the vision of the future, and idealizing the reality that will come to be, it is really hard for me to not know what I might be doing come July 1. The last several years have been this same reality - not knowing what is to come. And I can honestly say that more often than not, I have been perfectly good with that. (Save a few trying moments, days, seasons - I'm not perfect!) But this time seems to be more of a challenge for me. I have invested in applying, interviewing, asking, seeking, knocking, navigating, networking, insert other words here. It is an emotional experience to invest yourself in job possibilities - and for them to only lead to rejection. And it is hard. I imagine as I sit here how Jesus felt as He was rejected by humanity. Sucked.
I am struggling with navigating each day to this end. I pray that God might forgive me for my inability to build my faith. In my head and in my heart, I know I trust Him, His plan. In the reality of life on earth, it is hard for me to accept the reality of today. I am alive. I have the 'breath' in me of life given to me by Him. His spirit resides in me. And I am saddened that I sit and pout and percolate on the rejections. I should be praising God for the reality that any of these jobs that have not come to me are not what He desires. If it were, would I not garnish them? I need to seek Him more in these moments. And as I do, for example this morning in reading Matthew, He continues to provide for me and challenge me. Matthew 8:26 this morning hit me so well - I am of little faith. I like to think that my faith has grown over the last 5 years, and perhaps it has and I am not paying attention to how much I actually trust God - with my life. My career. My beautiful superstar. My overwhelmingly incredible children that shine God's beauty into mine eyes. My friends. (thanks to all for the messages, texts, etc. - natural disaster included) My neighbors. My relationships with colleagues past, present, and perhaps future. Why am I so afraid? So afraid of not knowing the outcome? Poop nuggets on me for even engaging in the darkness of this world. For there is something greater. And the questions that Jesus asked while He was here on earth still resonate in my heart and spirit today, over 2,000 years after He spoke them.
So I will stand up and do my best to not be so afraid. To trust Him more today than yesterday. Will He not clothe me like the splendor of the daisies in a field? Will He not care for me more than a sparrow that searches for food? Will He not rescue me from my own brokenness? This day is an encouragement to me. I pray each day from now until July 1 will be the same. I stand with Him in this life.
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