Serve.

I am trying to discern some things in my life right now, and clarity is not the word that comes to mind.  But I do know that God continues to push me on 'trust', and 'serving'.  These two things continue to be in the front of my mind, and yet the 'serving' part seems to be the most challenging.  In my current role, I feel like I am finally settling into understanding I am here to serve.  But there are moments when I flat out don't have a desire in my heart to serve.  I want to go sit in my milk closet (yes, the one where my laptop was stolen from the locked office) and spend time searching for a new job.  Honest - that is the desire of my heart at times.  But I have been simply crying out to God asking for Him to put His desire in my heart, and to help me want to do things He has put before me in this role.  It is frustrating, but I can see clearly that He is sustaining me, and even opening my heart and eyes to shut up and do what He asks me - to serve and to trust.  Getting up and heading to this place is easier today than it was two weeks ago.  And then we come to another opportunity with another organization.  My heart's desire is for God to rescue me from this place.  I know my prayers, and many friends and loved ones prayers, are directed to God to let me obtain this other thing.  I don't know if it is His will, and honestly I don't even know if it is OK to pray like that.  But I am.  I believe He cares about the desires of our heart - Psalm 37:4 - "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."  Over the last five years, I have asked that God put me in a job, neighborhood, apartment, place that He wants me.  This time, if I am honest, I am asking for what I want - and my prayer is that God would find it within his will to swing open the doors.  But if it is not His will, I will trust Him.  And I will serve Him.  I will do my absolute best with all my heart, my soul, and my strength to serve others before myself.  And I will fail.  And I will repent.  And I will ask forgiveness from the One that shows me the mercy and grace I do not deserve.  And that peace 'that transcends all understanding' is something I wish I could put in a jar and share with others when they are feeling like I have been.  

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