Mustard Seed Distributed

Transformational T$

2012-01-30T08:50:00.000-05:00

In the past, you may have read things on MSD where I make correlations between my exercise and my body, and exercising my spirtual self and God. (Spoiler alert) This is one of those kinds of posts. I mentioned earlier this month that a NYR was to read my bible and journal each day, and yes, I am still on track with that goal. I don't think I mentioned, however, the other NYR I set for myself - to run 10 miles. If you have known me for a few years, and haven't spoken to me or hung around me in the last few years, that might even make you chuckle. "Yeah, right. T$? 10 miles? HA!" seems like a possible reaction. Especially if you take a look at the former 'Fat T$' pic in this post (as the pastor likes to call me in these older photos).

But Saturday I ran 10.38 miles in 2:02. I know, not a blazing pace, but that is ok, I have learned that I am a slow runner. More of a jogger really that a runner. But I was proud of myself for accomplishing a 2012 goal before January was up. Now I may re up the goal and try to do a 10 mile run each month this year. We shall see. But I digress to the protein portion of this meal. My physical self has been transformed because I have committed to putting the work into that transformation. And believe me, at about mile 8 Saturday, my knees and feet were not convinced going to 10 was such a good idea. But I pressed on - just as Paul says in Phillippians 3:

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

See, just over four years ago, I smoked, didn't exercise, and actually used to criticise my superstar for such efforts. But I felt God nudging me - to care for this temple he has given me to use here on earth. And so I have pressed into that, and forgotten what was behind, and strain ahead. And I am thankful for the connection I can make between this transformation physically to the spiritual transformation I have experienced in the last 5 years or so. I can't post a picture to demonstrate it. People that don't know me then and now probably would not be able to see that transformation. Heck, let's be real - people that have known me then and now might not be able to see the transformation. And it isn't something that can be shown, written about (at least eloquent enough to capture the essence of just how gigantic this transformation really is), or communicated with justification on what really has taken place and continues to take place each day. But I know it. I understand it. And God continues to remind me of it. I am transformed in Christ Jesus. My scales of shame and dirt and sin fall off in His Glory. And as I listened to a message from Tim Keller this week on the "Triune God" (thanks pastor), I understood a bit more how the love of God is what I am experiencing in that transformation. That His love is what changes me. And so I will continue to pray and ask that God will continue to transform my stupid pitiful humanness into whatever His desire is. And I will continue to be amazed on that reality of love. Love.

Order the Combo Meal

2012-01-12T10:33:00.001-05:00

I am doing pretty well with one of my NYR goals this year - to read my bible and journal every day of twenty twelve. I know, you're thinking - 'hey that's great T$, but we're not even two weeks in'. I know. Humility. But I am excited as I press into the word each day and spend time engaging with God, and hopefully hearing things that I need to hear to grow in our relationship, and grow in understanding what I am on this earth to do each day. Trust has been a regular theme that continues to evolve in my conversations with God, and certainly in this time, I need to continue to trust Him more with more of my life. It is greatly rewarding personally to let all of the anxiety of life go, and allow Him to give me the peace Paul describes in Phillipians 4:7:

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

But we are looking at HOPE at communitasnyc as of late, and I had somewhat of a revelation this morning in my quiet time. Hope is something that is anticipated in the future, a feeling that things will turn out well down the road. I have hope, for example, that one day I will be with God forever. (Such a small sentence that means so much)That is something that I look forward to. But - (dramatic pause. cue the movie music. show graphic of sunrise.) in order to have that hope for the future, for what is to come, I must demonstrate trust in the present, that is NOW. This is the conduit with which I have hope, in the trust I have now. But - (dramatic pause, music, scene) in order to trust in Him now, I must remember the past. I have to remind myself of what God has done for me in the past, and we are all idiots in that we SO EASILY FORGET what God has done for us. I am reading the old testament as of late, and I read these stories and think "YOU IDIOTS! DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHAT GOD HAS DONE FOR YOU? PARTING A SEA? MANNA? HELLO!!!" And then, depression sets in....Why you ask? Because I am just as stupid as the Israelites. I forget about the Red Sea moments in my life where God saved me with wreckless abandon. I forget about how delicious the manna is that He fed me at times I needed to be sustained. And so, we must look back at things in the past - not to perseverate on them, but to remember things God has done for us - so that we can trust Him more in this moment, today, which leads us to the hope He desires us to experience for the future. Brilliant.

In the midst.

2012-01-04T08:26:00.002-05:00

A new year. New beginnings. New life. The old has gone, the new has come. An opportunity to set new goals based on the past, leave mistakes behind. Start afresh. Right. We are only four days into the year, and it appears the turmoil and tornadoes have erupted afresh. The clarity on what I am supposed to be doing in my job is the polar opposite of clarity. Not that I don't know what I am supposed to do in my current role. It is just that I don't know if that spitball is going to stick to the wall, or not. And I am fine with that. It is quite confusing, however. I have a peace that 'transcends all understanding' as Paul wrote to the Phillipians in 4:7. So I look at the message version and hear this:

Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

This is the peace that I am experiencing in the midst of whirlwinds I don't understand. His sense of wholeness - that all of this will come together for GOOD - that is what settles me down in the midst of troubles. I know He is with me. And I don't worry, I pray. God- WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? Help me to see YOUR plan - not what I desire (although I also have expressed my STRONG feelings to Him continuously for several years now)And those prayers are shaped by that kind of petition - and praise that He has never let me down in my career. EVER. That is something that will displace worry for anyone. EVER.

Twenty Twelve

2011-12-31T08:24:00.001-05:00

Here we are. The last day of 2011. (By the by, I am still in the 'twenty-eleven' camp, and tomorrow, I will be in the twenty-twelve camp). What a year this has been. Communitas is in an incredible place right now, on the edge of trusting God to lead us, and not having a pile of money in the bank can certainly lead you to more trust. The girls are healthy, have great friends and teachers. Superstar is always helping - somewhere, someone, including the kkft. I praise God for the opportunity to live in this great city and serve others. We certainly suck at times, and by no means are we even close to perfect, but when I really pay attention to God, when I tune in each morning, take time to journal, open my eyes ears heart and mind to what He wants me to see, do, experience, I am more equipped in this broken world to experience the hand of God in my life. And He seems to put Has hand in my life just when I need a boost. So next year, I have a goal for myself. Pastor writes out his goals each year, and I have started to blog mine in recent years (go ahead, look back then if you don't believe me). Last year's goals were to write in my journal each day - fail. (although drastic improvements from years past) So that is going back on the list. I wonder if I could make it to 365 days in a row? Next, date with the k girls each month - fail. But certainly again, drastic improvements from years past. Back on the list. The other four I am going to lump together - seeing what God wants me to see, seeking the counsel of godly men, seeking God's help in areas I struggle, and doing my best to pour into others before pouring into myself. These four continue to be a challenge as well - and certainly the self-serving continues to be a struggle. This year, God continues to give me the phrase "others first" in my quiet time. This is a challenge I am committing to in twenty twelve. To commit myself to living out the Jesus Creed outlined in Mark 12:29-31: "The most important one, ansered Jesus, is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."
This is what Jesus taught us to do - a) to build our relationship with Him, the creator of the universe - through actions like love within our heart and soul (emotional and spiritual action), and with all our mind (intellect action) and with all our strength (physical action). These are not passive things that happen. You don't just happen to love someone in your life. Think about it - there are times where I don't feel the love for my wife (sorry superstar, it is true) - but I must work and act to ensure that I am not fooled into acting thus. When my children disrespect me, it is a hard action to express my love with my heart and soul, with my mind and my strength. When a 'neighbor' punches another 'neighbor' in the face, it is hard for me to express love in action to that person. But I am commanded to do so. To love them like I love myself. And believe you me, I love myself - sometimes too much. But my prayer again this year is that I continue to grow in putting others first. In serving others before myself. And so I search my bible (thanks Siri) for 'strengthen' - go ahead try it, there are so many times this phrase is used in the bible. But for me, it is Paul's letter in Ephesians 3 that is an encouragement. It is not within me to be strengthened on my own - whether it is spiritual, emotional, physical, mental. It is within the power of Christ that I am strengthened as I turn to Him to lead my steps. And I fall and praise Him in glory and magnificence.

I fall.

2011-12-15T21:40:00.003-05:00

My heart was heavy this week. What am I doing? Am I sure that I hear God? Do I really know things to be true? Am I doing the right things for my family? Some of the questions that have been running through my mind this week. Are we supposed to stay in NYC? Do we need to move back to MI? My sense has been that we are where we are supposed to be. We are in NYC for God's purpose. We are supposed to support pastor times two, be the church, pour into our neighborhood, our kids, their friends, others first. There have been a couple of career opportunities that have come to me - in MI. Intriguing to me. Challenging. Moves up. But I have tried to pay attention to what God is teaching me. Pushing into the question - are we to stay in NYC? My answer continues to seem to be yes. Stay. You are in the right spot. All this when (again, surprise) my work position seems to be a temporary thing. I have been assured that this position is good for this year. Beyond that, there are no guarantees. Sound familiar? And so I question myself. I talk with my superstar. It certainly seems we are in the right place. She is a rock star pouring into our kids' schools. Seems like we are plugged into where we are supposed to be plugged in. Alli's school happens to be looking for a HS principal. Is that what I am to do? Not sure again. I have come to the conclusion that I am not sure about most anything. This week I sit in a hotel room catching a bit of the blindside - and sense the holy spirit doing something in me,and I ask "What do you want me to do?" And I truly am not sure what the answer is - I really have no idea. None. Over the last week, one daughter lied to us and didn't show us her report card. The other continues to struggle with using words with us that demonstrate respect. And my superstar was in the dumps. And so multiply my not knowing by a million. And I am hit again by how the love is poured out on big mike in this movie. And I feel like God pours out his love on me in that fashion. Flashback music......And on the plane to MI this week that love poured out onto me. The entire plane ride was God loving me. Start - the beautiful view of Manhattan. Up up and away. And the beauty of the avenues full of tail lights. My home from the air. Beauty unleashed, as I like to say. The bridges. The rivers. The Atlantic Ocean. Coney Island. My Brooklyn. Just a bit of Prospect Park in the distance. And I am reminded that God brought me here. He gave me everything I needed to get here. Everything. Beyond what I deserve. The Big Three I used to say. A job. Check. Sell our home. Check. A place to live. Check. (Did I mention all of the items on our hopes list for our apartment? - Check) All of them given to us. Beyond what we deserve. And growing each of us beyond what we deserve as well. Back to the plane ride. The horizon with a golden orange sun with a hint of red at the center. For nearly the entire ride. I just sat there in complete awe of the fact that I was on a piece of metal going to another place, looking a ball of fire just far enough away to keep us warm and not so far as we would freeze. And I think God was just holding the sun long enough in the sky to reassure me that He is there. He is there with me. No matter what. The beauty of the sunset seemed like a volcano of love coming straight from God to me. The orange and yellow and red lava of love pouring out to me. To my heart. To me. Just for me. And for the first time ever, I saw the jet trails of exhaust - you know the ones you see crisscrossing up in the sky from the ground? - only this time I saw them from the air. From above. Alongside me - or the plane. Coming past me. Going ahead of me. Below me. This side of the plane. That side. This is the path of a lifetime? So many paths. Conversing together. But this was the path I was on. I am on. That day. Today. And the comfort. Of knowing. That He is with me on this path. That he is going before me to clear the way. In my honor. To glorify His name. His holy name. And listening to Danny Cox music the whole ride engaged my soul at a deeper level. (PS Thanks Danny Cox) Am I experiencing remorse? Do I have to leave this job I am in that I love? What do I need to do? I sense that we are certainly supposed to stay in BKLY - certainly seems that this is to be so. And I write - 'I will trust in the Lord my God.' And I listen to "I Fall":I knowMy flesh is week in all theseThese thoughts I think dont come fromA heart that seeks your nameAnd I'm humbledBy the thought of you I'm weekenedBut strength into I know nowI can't live without youAnd everytime I feel I'm lost inside this placeAnd every time I needThe strength to find my darker placeI fallI fall down on my knees LordI'll give you everything LordYou are so good to meEven grass fieldsThey know the breath of your majestyThe way that you can set things freeThey bow with every breezeThe wind knows It listens to your every wordAnd carries it so you are heardSinging through the treesEvery time I feelLost inside theis placeAnd every time I needThe strength to find my darker spaceI fallI fall down on my knees LordI'll give you everything LordYou are so good to meYes I knowMy flesh is week in all theseThese thoughts I think don't come fromA heart that seeks your nameEverytime I feelLost inside this placeEverytime I kneelI'm surrounded by your graceEverytime I needThe strength to find my darker placeI fallI fallYes I fallOh and I fallI fall down on my kneesOh I give you everythingYou are so goodYou are so good to meOh yes I fallI fall down on my knees I give you everythingYou are so good to meAnd even tonight. I sit in this hotel room. And it is not easy. It is not easy to not know. Much of anything. But I know when I fall on my knees, it doesn't really matter if I know. It matters that I fall. And so I fall. I give you everything Lord. You are so good to me.

Season of Trust

2011-12-09T11:45:00.001-05:00

If you follow this blog, you are aware that over the last four years, I have really tried to open my hands that I hold my career in, and allow God to lead me in this area. Not been easy. Not going to lie. But it does get easier as I go. The last four years have really been a challenge in that area - at times I have felt like: "Really, God? This is it?" This year is a bit different. I am so thankful that God has given me the opportunity to do what I am doing. But a great conversation with AD has led me (once again) to the conclusion that I really don't know what will happen beyond this year. Much like pastor's present state of employment, we both really are not certain what will come. My hope and my prayer is that I can continue to do what I am doing, for the company that I am doing it with. I believe in what we are doing. I passionately support the vision and mission. But my position is not locked in beyond this year. (Sound familiar?) And so I have had a sense that God is doing something new with this. Maybe it is what I am now doing - maybe that is the new thing. Or maybe there is something elso coming. So I am trying to keep my eyes and ears open to wherever God might lead me in this season. And yesterday, I ran in @prospectpark, two loops I might add = 6.82 miles. (By the by, the second run this week over 6 miles) As I ran (and passed superstar going the other way on her loop), I took in the beauty of the park, this city, where I am. Not quite as beautiful with most of the leaves down, but beautiful rays of sun hitting the grass that is still green, the smell of fall in the air, and yet a chill that hit me whenever the wind broke through the trees. And it made me think about the seasons of my life, the seasons of the year, and our present season. And felt like God was telling me I am in the Season of Trust. I certainly continue to learn more about what trusting God means in so many areas of my life. I even bought a journal that has 'Trust in the Lord' on the cover and every page. When I bought it I thought 'yeah, this is a good daily reminder', and it has been when I sit down to share my heart with God and try to discern what He wants me to hear. But I can't help but wonder if the 'Season of Trust' will ever end? It doesn't seem like it, it seems like this is something that I am going to have to continue to do is trust God more in more areas of my life, with more of the things I desperately try to hold onto and not give to Him. But I enjoy this season, and presently hope it never ends.

Blogiversary Lesson Unleashed.

2011-12-03T09:32:00.001-05:00

It seems almost unreal to type this: I have been keeping this blog for four years now. That seems pretty crazy to me - that it has been that long. Really crazy. I can tell you that I do enjoy blogging, and you may have noticed that I don't do it as much as I used to. Not out of lack of desire to do, not out of lack of content. Matter of fact, I could probably blog everyday and produce some good content. (All those in favor of me blogging daily for a year say "I") But take a look at my reflection after one year here. I would say that as I worked in the D, God started to grow me in my relationship with Him, and I certainly was learning a lot. Take a look at year two here. I find it interesting that year two seems to be more profound in thinking than year one. Onto year three here. So taking a moment each year to reflect on where God has led me has been a great excercise in learning for me, and I find it interesting that year four doesn't necessarily bring any more clarity in where my life is headed than year one, two, or three. I still am not certain what the future holds in my job and my work. I do know that this year in particular, God has led me to a place in my work where I need to depend more on Him, being very uncomfortable in new things I am doing, and I continually feel stretched thin in things I work on. And that may sound like a negative thing, but it is NOT. It strengthens my relationship with Him and continually points me to the fact that alone, I am nothing, but in Him 'all things are possible'. And further, year four I feel even more strengthened in my relationships. I feel that I am closer and understand and love my superstar now more than ever. I am far from a perfect husband, but I do know that I am more in love with her than I ever imagined. Similarly, my relationships with my kids, my family, my neighbors, my church compadres, and my amigos abroad feel closer than I have ever experienced. Even though I am probably more detached from most of my friends and family, I feel closer. And I think that is because my hardened selfish heart continues to be chipped away by God - my love for 'others first' as the Jesus creed teaches us grows each day, and I see the great benefits of loving like Jesus did - putting others in front of himself. I know that God leads me to love others, and I am getting better at it. And much like I did in year three, I reflect on the places I find myself, the people that I get to interact with, and the things that I am given the opportunity to engage in. This week, I celebrated awards with 71 principals and others that work in our organization. What an honor, truly, what an honor. To see the incredible work that people are engaging in that benefits the children (and the adults) that we serve each day. To think that I have an opportunity to (hopefully) have a positive impact and influence on those people that engage in the very hard work is amazing. To watch my friends - Clown, Colorado Joe, and Dr. C bubble up to the top of the pile. Emotions can overwhelm me thinking that these are the people I get to interact with. I get to work with the Aussie - and that I am certain God coordinated to grow each of us. To be able to sit and have a conversation with AD and be real about life and the pursuit of a Godly relationship and perspective. I am blessed. I am blessed. I am truly blessed.And as I landed in my city last night, as I looked out at the Atlantic, as I saw the lights of Brooklyn approach from across the Verazano, as I flew over Greenwood Cemetary and our Prospect Park - seeing the lights of our street, Grand Army Plaza, and my Brooklyn. As we (rapidly) drove down the BQE with views of this magnificent city I find myself truly unworthy to live in, and as my cabbie took the route along the Brooklyn Bridge park to avoid the BQE lane shutdown - which by the by has become what might be my favorite view and spot in the city - I felt like God assured me that I am where I am supposed to be. And that maybe that reroute was just a little extra special gift to bless me just a little bit more. Just a little extra sprinkles on top of my hot fudge sundae to be sure I knew that God was with me. I sat in the back of the cab feeling like I know that God has honored my decisions to trust him with more, as I tried to explain to AD in living with my hands more open now than they have ever been - that God honors that level of trust. And tears rolled down my face as I headed to the KKFT and my superstar. And my love of God and others continues to grow in year four like I never imagined. I know not what we shall face tomorrow. But I know He is with me. Always.

#l2011

2011-11-17T21:04:00.001-05:00

#l2011 It is hard for me to believe that I haven't blogged in a couple of weeks - time is pumping for me recently. I can't even wrap my head around the fact that a week from today is Thanksgiving. The last month has really just gotten away from me in a big way. I have been traveling a bit for work this month, and I'm not done yet, as I will be in MI for the holiday, then more training of principals and some work out of the office there. But a few days this month I did get to attend Learning 2011 , which was certainly the most interesting conference I have been to in my life. Elliot really knows how to put on a shindig that encourages learning and development. It certainly didn't suck that it was in Orlando, and 80 degrees in November does not suck. This conference really made me think deeply about some work. I don't know if I blogged about it, but I have had a sense that God has been preparing me to do something different. This year certainly can fit into the different category - and I have been enjoying this year of my career I think more than any other. I really think the main reason I can say that is that I have tried my absolute hardest to release my work to Him and at times, know that I don't have a clue how to accomplish some of the tasks before me - and so I need to lean on Him more. And that has given me a peace and comfort I don't think i can put into words. The conference was about learning. About learning about learning. And I came to a realization (as I laid in the hammock under palm trees surrounded by white sand) that learning is at my core. Being in the field of education, one might say to this revelation: "No sh**, T$." But it was a new revelation to me in so many ways. I love to learn. I love even more being involved in leading others to their own learning (in which the process helps me to learn more about learning about learning about learning). It is something that God has hardwired me to enjoy so much. And then I spent some time after leaving the beauty of palm trees and white sand reflecting on the last few years in our move to BKLY. I had no choice but to spend all of my days and nights, work, play and weekends learning. A new way of life. A new job (times at least 3, maybe more this year), a new city, a new culture, a new way for our family to experience life. A new way of doing everything. But drilling deeper, in my spiritual life I have pressed into the learning that I never took the time to do before feeling this call. Now I could shoot off my toes one at a time on the days I don't start with reading the bible, journaling, and taking time to "be still, and know that I am God" as Psalm 46:10 tells us to do. And I learn more every time I engage in those activities. And today, as I ran 5.88 miles in the park (yeah booyah - turkey trot here I come)I realized that Jesus came to teach - his focus was others' learning. He spent his life coming alongside others and tried to teach them how to live. I am NOT saying that is what I am doing, but I saw the correlations of helping others learn. What a cool thing to think that Jesus is still with me every day - that the Holy Spirit is with me to teach me - so I can learn about learning about learning. And I sensed that Jesus was telling me he is with me -always. That is pretty darn cool if you ask me. And then I spent some time reflecting on just what I have recently learned about learning about learning. A lot. I keep learning more each day I open my eyes and ears to growing in my position at work. I learn so much when I stop and tell myself - I don't have a clue what this is/how to do this/what we need to do/where to go from here - that is when I learn the most. And the same can be said when I open my heart, mind, soul, and strength to the Holy Spirit to guide me - that is when I learn the most. So thanks Elliot for opening my mind to learning about learning about learning. #l2011

7.13 Miles of Praise

2011-11-02T17:17:00.004-04:00

What a beautiful fall day here in NYC. A great day. Today is the first time in my life that I have ever run over 7 miles in one shot. 7.13 miles to be exact. And my route today was around the park, down the slope of park, through the garden of carroll, smack through the hook of red, and along the Brooklyn Bridge Park (which is AWEsome ~ imagine me singing that in a girl's voice). I have been inspired by my lil sis (no I'm not in a fraternity/serority) to work on the 'last 15', although it has been a slow go. That last chunk of weight is hard to work off - especially when you like to eat. A lot. But I digress. This day started with my family, blue skies, some work, and breakfast with pastor as we try to do. We enjoyed our delicious bagel, and I shared with him something that has been on my heart as of late. Superstar and I had lunch yesterday and talked about when you sense that God is giving you something, but you are almost afraid to pray about it, because you also sense it is not necessarily something you would choose. I sense He is doing something with my work that is going to change. And I have absolutely no idea what that means. But today, as I ran, I simply spent the time praising Him. Just pouring my heart out to Him and thanking Him for all the wonderful things He gives me. It was great timing as I ran the streets of Brooklyn for me to spend the time praying and reflecting on where I am physically at right now. The streets of Brooklyn. And as God nearly always does when I run, He reminded me of a lot. I think of the state of my physical being 7.13 years ago. 40 pounds overweight, smoker, eating crappy, etc. I think of that and how it was the first year I was a Principal of a school, and what I have learned in my career since then. I think of the transformation spiritually that has taken place in my life over the last 7.13 years, how I have changed to set aside the time to be with God and do my best to listen not to my selfish desires, but His will - PS = NOT PERFECT in that.....And so I ran the miles along the harbor. Looking at lower Manhattan. This bum from the Creek. (Smith type, one each) And I praise Him for what He has transformed me to be. The good works He continues to show in me - because I am not able to do any of these things on my own. Three years ago I started to run in November. I could hardly run for a minute at a time. Today, I run seven miles. How? Training. Building up my physical self. The same is true about my spiritual self - I can't do this, I suck at it. But Christ strengthens me in all things. He has taught me so much about training. And I am thankful for the miles of praise that I shared with Him today. I do not run the race as others do for the prize, but for the eternal glory in Him that created me. Thank you for your grace and mercy and love and justice. Celebrate. 7.13

A year.

2011-10-19T18:46:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow marks one year since my mom passed away. If she were still alive, she would never let me post this picture of her for the world to see, but to me, it holds all the beauty in the world. Losing your mom is like a gigantic punch in the gut (or a bit lower) - as a parallel to life, it takes your breath away. It is hard to breathe. It hurts, but you can hardly say anything. To me, the last year has brought me joy and sorrow. There are times where very strange things will bring my mom to the front of my mind, the front of my heart, even in my face. Sometimes those moments bring me sheer joy. Thinking of silly things like her laugh that would always warm my heart - even if it was the stupidest thing that her and Lizzy or the other aunties or club would get to tears on. Joy. And also sorrow. Hearing a voice that sounds similar to my mom's - and the sorrow that comes in that moment when the true reality of the fact that I will not hear her precious voice again. True sorrow. This photo reminds me of just how frail life is. We are here but for a moment. I am well pleased that I got to spend so many moments in this lifetime with my mom. From the time I had Rheumatic Fever, and she thought I was just trying to get out of school, but I literally couldn't walk. I will NEVER forget that morning when she pulled me up out of bed angry as all get up that she thought I was faking. Me falling to the floor as I had no control over my legs. And her weaping as she carried me into the doctor's office apologizing for not believing me. To every single game I played in high school where she sat in the stands - and shared afterwards the joys and the sorrows of winning and losing. To the time she took the day off work on my last day of high school - just to stand in the hallway and smile at my friends and I as we hooted and hollared in celebration of such a milestone. I had to go over to her - and honestly I was almost mad asking her 'what are you doing here?' - and she just smiled and said - I just wanted to be here. To the times she was so mad at me that she wouldn't even talk to me for days at a time (believe me, I deserved it) and times she called me out on stupid things I should not have been doing when no one else would - and I would be mad at her, but she knew what I needed to hear. To the times she would hold me and tell me that she was proud of me - the time she held my first child - the cards I would get in the mail for encouragement - the times she would take our kids so superstar and I could build our marriage - the time she paid me the first $5 I earned because I made a rule = that everytime she brought new clothes/toys over to our house for our girls she had to pay me $5 - and everytime after that she paid me the $5. The times I got to sit next to her while she got her keimo - the times I got to sit next to her in the living room while she slept - the times I got to serve her as she always served us growing up - the time I had to pull her pants up in the hall because she couldn't bend over to reach them. (Oh, she would kill me if she were here today for that one!) The times her voice calmed me. The times she rubbed my back as a child. The times she rubbed my girls' backs. As I reflect on the fact it has been a year - I am not sure why it seems longer than that to me. And at the same time, it seems like just yesterday. I wish one thing I could change is that I would have always honored my mom - I can't lie and say that I did. But I can tell you one thing. My love for her never stopped once in my lifetime. And tomorrow, a year after I watched her get escorted into heaven and take her last breath - again I say - one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen - I love her more than I ever have. I miss your voice. Your smile that is so evident in this photo of you. The joy I know those that were close to you see in this photo. That little smirk that always told those around you that the joy of God was in the room. I miss my girls shouting "GRANDMA" when they saw you, or you just stopped by to visit. I miss seeing you hold Dad's hand, watching the two of you dance the way that would bring a smile to a stranger's face. I miss the simple comfort of being in the same house as you. The same room. But as your other son reminded me this morning when he shared Revelation 21:4 about the New Heaven and the New Earth: ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’[b] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” I look forward to that day. I know you have no more pain. I know you have no more tears. I expectantly await that day where I not only feel the comfort of being in the same place you are, but experience the full glory of our God. I miss you mom. I love you more than ever.

The Jesus Manna.

2011-10-13T10:30:00.000-04:00

It is hard for me to say some of the things I am about to say. Not to myself, not to my close and dearest friends, but to the world. I suck. I am a sinner. I choose to do things that are wrong. Why do we do these things? Why if we know in our hearts and our minds and our spirits and all our souls what is right and magnificent and good do we choose to purposefully do the wrong thing? Sin is a vicious thing that breaks us down, hurts us, hurts those around us, builds walls, creates angst, punishes, and creates darkness in this world. Superstar and I have been away from each other (save the 7 minute driving loop around LGA we spent last Saturday as she picked me up from the airport, and I in turn dropped her off to go on her trip to spend some time with her mom and her dad who just had triple bypass surgery) for nearly two weeks now. That is a long time. I'm just sayin. The cravings of our human body are strong. And I am not going to lie, I am craving. Living in NYC, the population is well, let's just say dense. There are many people here. Many women. The proportion of attractive women here is a bit larger I would say than that of, well, R town. It is often that I catch myself amazed at the beauty of women in this world. That God created these creatures of absolutely magnificent beaty. Every feature of a woman's body amazing. And I have to remind myself that the beuty is good, but that I need to be sure I am only looking at the beauty in a way that glorifies God, and doesn't lead me to sin. Next. I SO MUCH am loving my position this year. Many of you know that the last 4 years now have been somewhat crazy as far as me trusting God with my career, and not knowing, and not knowing, and not knowing what the next thing is going to be with my job. Over 3 years now, and still no clarity on what will happen next. And so me being the long term visionary type of person that I am, I struggle with that not knowing part. i have definitely grown in it, and learned that God's plan continues to blow me away with things I never thought possible. Just think, if I had not completely trusted God in this, I would not be working out of our apartment, and never would have full time worked with the aussie. God is so good. And I don't know if I have a sense that this is going to change again next year, my prayer is that this might continue past this year. But this week, as I ran in the park again - God really gave me a word. Manna. And He clearly told me "This is not your manna." And I hear it all the time this week. When I see a beautiful woman - "this is not your manna." When I start to think should I look for another job for next year - 'this is not your manna'. The Israelites were in the desert. Think about that. No water. No food growing. Hot. Suckville. And God sent manna - each day. According to the bible "it came down from heaven" and "tasted like wafers made with honey". I like wafers made with honey - it sounds delicious. God always knows just what we need to survive. And he gives it to us each day. They lived in the desert and ate the manna for 40 years. And then they got tired of it and complained to God to give them MEAT! (that was for Mattsy) They told God what He was giving them wasn't satisfying enough. And I do that ALL THE TIME. What an idiot I am - I should be so satisfied with the 'wafers that taste like honey' shouldn't I? Today, I ran 5 miles around the park - by the by the most I think I have ever run in one shot. (Training for the Turkey Trot 10k in the D - who is in?) And as I ran, I saw a beautiful young woman. Instead of ogling her, I prayed that God would sanctify this piece of manna for His Glorious Riches. What a feeling of love and emotion as I worshipped God in that moment and saw what He sees. And I ran and pondered the manna that God gives me. Each day. Such delicious manna in the middle of this desert we call earth. With the selfish world I try to stay out of, he gives me the manna of love and fills my every need. I pray God that I don't get tired of the manna you have for me. That each day I pick my manna that you have sent me from heaven above, that I enjoy each bite of goodness that you send me. And when I am down, or tired of the manna you give, that you would remind me like you did today in John 6: So they asked him, “What sign then will you give that we may see it and believe you? What will you do? 31 Our ancestors ate the manna in the wilderness; as it is written: ‘He gave them bread from heaven to eat.’[c]” 32 Jesus said to them, “Very truly I tell you, it is not Moses who has given you the bread from heaven, but it is my Father who gives you the true bread from heaven. 33 For the bread of God is the bread that comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.” 34 “Sir,” they said, “always give us this bread.” 35 Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty. 36 But as I told you, you have seen me and still you do not believe. 37 All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away. 38 For I have come down from heaven not to do my will but to do the will of him who sent me. 39 And this is the will of him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all those he has given me, but raise them up at the last day. 40 For my Father’s will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day.” 41 At this the Jews there began to grumble about him because he said, “I am the bread that came down from heaven.” 42 They said, “Is this not Jesus, the son of Joseph, whose father and mother we know? How can he now say, ‘I came down from heaven’?” 43 “Stop grumbling among yourselves,” Jesus answered. 44 “No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws them, and I will raise them up at the last day. 45 It is written in the Prophets: ‘They will all be taught by God.’[d] Everyone who has heard the Father and learned from him comes to me. 46 No one has seen the Father except the one who is from God; only he has seen the Father. 47 Very truly I tell you, the one who believes has eternal life. 48 I am the bread of life. 49 Your ancestors ate the manna in the wilderness, yet they died. 50 But here is the bread that comes down from heaven, which anyone may eat and not die. 51 I am the living bread that came down from heaven. Whoever eats this bread will live forever. This bread is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world.” 52 Then the Jews began to argue sharply among themselves, “How can this man give us his flesh to eat?” 53 Jesus said to them, “Very truly I tell you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. 54 Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day. 55 For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink. 56 Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in them. 57 Just as the living Father sent me and I live because of the Father, so the one who feeds on me will live because of me. 58 This is the bread that came down from heaven. Your ancestors ate manna and died, but whoever feeds on this bread will live forever.”As we continue to push into the Jesus Creed at communitasnyc, I am challenged by the words of this creed and how this is the manna I need each day in trying to follow Jesus:The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength; and love your neighbor as yourself.This manna is delicious. And it comes from heaven. And the taste is so precious and sweet to my soul. Help me Jesus, to live out this creed you have called me to. Help me to pick the manna you have for me today, and to not worry about manna I need for the future. Amen and Amen.

Even a moment.

2011-09-27T12:14:00.000-04:00

After three years, I finally got the chance to run the memorial "Tunnels to Towers" 5k this year. Some of you may have heard me talk about the fact that I thought it would be a really cool race to participate in as you start in Brooklyn - run through the Brooklyn Battery Tunnel, and end up at the World Trade Center sight in Lower Manhattan. And it was even cooler than I expected. It certainly is something to see over 30,000 people bobbing up and down race style as far as you can see in the tunnel and beyond. But it was way more than a race or just a 5k experience for me. The race is in memory of a firefighter from NYC whose name was Stephen Siller, and this year marked the 10 year anniversary. I was happy to support a great cause - their desire is to "Do Good" and "Counter Evil". Their foundation does many things and supports fireman, servicemen fighting terrorists, etc., and basically brings good to this world. So I was thrilled to support them, and to do something cool and be able to say "I ran through the tunnel." Little did I know what lied ahead for me or just how emotional the experience would be. More to come in a moment.As I ran today ( I know I just did the 5k yesterday, but...) I learned something new. I am not a fast runner. I have been trying to get my times down on miles to under 10 minutes. That is really hard for me. I have done 10:30/11:00 miles pretty regularly, but have not been able to maintain that as my 'normal pace'. And I ran through the park today at a much slower pace. Probably 11:30 miles or so, and it was so much more enjoyable. Trying to run the faster times I am always thinking 'am I going fast enough', 'wow, I am breathing really hard', 'I don't think I can do this', 'man this is hard', and those types of thoughts. Today as I ran the slower pace, I enjoyed seeing the different people around me - the older african american man that smiled at me as I passed him, the beautiful baby (maybe four months old) in the stroller next to me as I ran my slow pace and her mom walked talking to her, the young woman whose pony tail bobbed to the beat of Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr. (I think my new favorite band), the boy on the scooter with his helmet that was too big for him, save all the green and the lake and the trees and the chipmunks. Are you starting to understand? I was just enjoying the run. Not worrying about the time, etc. - OK T$ get to the point.Well Sunday's race I was really going to push myself. I thought "I would really just like to push myself and see if I could do it in under 30 minutes." That would be a big push for me to do, but I was excited to push. So as I ran through the tunnel, I was pushing. I did enjoy the music being pumped in through speakers, the bobbing of runners wall to wall, the comraderie of the crowd. But then the breathing....it was an EXTREMELY humid morning, and it was probably over 100 degrees in the tunnel. And I don't like running when it is hot out. I am pretty sure 20 years of smoking doesn't help your lung capacity on those runs. So the push got less. The hill up out of the tunnel was hard. Slowed down. Couldn't keep my pace that I hoped for. Not a big deal, it wasn't life or death. Then I got to the end of the tunnel. I did not know that there would be FDNY firemen lining the road on both sides up out of the tunnel, around the corner onto the West Side Highway holding the American flags that now lined the streets. I wasn't thinking about the fact that this image might bring about emotions and affect my run. But it did. Looking at these firemen, my mind went to the thought of that day. Of how many of these guys were near this spot that I was running on 9.11- how many of them lost their friends/co-workers? Then I realized that along the entire right side of the road, the firemen were holding banners with photos of the firemen that died on 9.11 and listed was their engine, company, etc. The emotion of how many of these men and women died that day near where I was standing. Yes, standing. I couldn't run. My mind thought of the men and women, not just firefighters, but all of the men and women that died that day. Evil that brought about death. The pain of a family member lost forever. The death of a friend. A spouse. Gone. My mind rolled to Stephen Siller who did this:On September 11th, firefighter Stephen Siller had just gotten off the late shift at Squad 1, Park Slope, Brooklyn. He was on his way to play golf with his brothers on that bright clear day when his scanner told of the first plane hitting the Twin Towers. When he heard the news, he called his wife Sally to tell her he would be late because he had to help those in need. He returned to Squad 1 to get his gear, then took his final heroic steps to the World Trade Center. When Stephen drove his truck to the Brooklyn Battery Tunnel, it was already closed to traffic . With sixty pounds of gear strapped to his back, he ran through the Tunnel, hoping to meet up with his own company, Squad 1. I walked and sobbed thinking about not only Stephen, but the courageous men and women that went to the towers because they had a deep desire to help those that were suffering. To come to the rescue of those that were surrounded by pain, destruction, even death. To run with all the baggage miles in order to help. To serve. And then I knew that God was trying to teach me something. I felt like God said - Stephen paid the ultimate sacrifice - he died for others. Just like Jesus did. Are you willing to give it all up? Are you willing to give your life to save others? Would you pay that kind of sacrifice? Jesus did. Crying doesn't even describe what I was doing at this point. This is what Jesus did. He went to the cross because I am in a burning building named earth. Only I am the one that drives the plane into the buiding. And yet He loves us enough to pay that sacrifice. So that I can get out of the building. He comes in to rescue. He runs through the tunnel with his gear on. He runs up the stairwell after me. Not because it is his job. Because He loves me that much. And He didn't just do it for me. He did it for all. ALL. 'For God so loved the world He sent His one and only son.' And I did eventually get enough gumption to run more. And as I ran along the Hudson, I saw an older woman. She was standing watching the runners. Crying. I don't know why she was crying or what her story is. But she was cheering the whole time. Maybe she lost her husband. Her son. Her daughter. So I cried a bit more, and gave her a high five. Then ran to the finish. I didn't expect the emotions that I experienced. I didn't expect God to teach me about sacrifice or about the love he has for me. I have said for over 10 years that I have always held the death and destruction and pain and suffering at arms length from 9.11, and maybe that's why it was so overwhelming Sunday morning. God showed me yet again just what Jesus did to bring his teaching and legacy to an end. 10 years after the fact. And it wasn't the time I finished the race that I will take with me, but what God taught me along the route. What a correlary to life. I need to stop worrying about the time. The accomplishments. How fast I can do this, how good I can do that. But slow down and experience all God has for me to experience. At the pace He has created me for. I praise God for all of the courageous men and women that have the heart of running into buildings to save others. I pray that I would be open to giving the ultimate sacrifice so that others might have even a moment where they see exactly what Jesus has done for this world.

The midst of trouble.

2011-09-21T11:55:00.000-04:00

This is my life. To live. To be present in this moment. Today is my day to live. I can breathe. I can walk upright. My mind is working. (Alright, most of the time.) Although superstar sweats out our lack of budgeting, we are able to pay the rent. Put food on the table. I am gainfully employed in a job that I love to do. I have an incredibly beautiful wife, and if I do say so myself, some pretty cute kids. I enjoy living in my community, and have some great friendships in my neighborhood, in my city, even across this great country. I was reminded of the beauty of life this week when TBrown sent me a photo of their beautiful newborn baby. Just looking at that photo reminded me of the struggles of life, and the great joy that God leads us to in life. In having life to the full. John 10:10 reminds us of this:John 10:10 - 'The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.'This life always seems to lead us to the empty thoughts of death and destruction - it is hard to live this life and not be discouraged. Killing. Death. Destruction. Disease. Hate. Greed. Mean people suck as the bumper sticker reminds us. Cancer. Self - serving non humanitarian egotistical maniac fear mongering unjust evil. This place sucks if you really take the time to think about it. But Jesus warned us of this - John 16:33 - “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” I am enjoying my new purchase of Radiohead's OK Computer this week - and in one of their songs the singer is talking about aliens coming and swooping him up and the fact that he wishes this would happen so that he didn't have to experience people that are uptight. (and he repeats that word over over over) I don't ever want to be uptight. I want to experience the joy of Jesus overcoming the world. I want to live contrary to the way people who don't know that joy live. So that they might see that joy, and be attracted to the joy that flows out of me. Not because I am oblivious to the world around me. There is trouble in this world. But that the joy of Jesus might flow out of me even in the midst of trouble. Jesus lived a contrary life to the culture he lived in. People around him feared that he would change their level of comfort. Their security. In giving our lives to Jesus, we should engage in the fact that we will have trouble. That life - if you are really following Jesus - is not going to be easy. It is counter-culture revolutionary living. And this week, I was very encouraged last night as we met in our apartment with others that are engaged in seeking that Jesus. In experiencing a community where it is ok to ask questions. To share in the troubles of life, and to share in the joys designed for us in the midst of those troubles. Counter-intutitive concept. But one I want to grasp. Hold onto. Seek. In all I do. In the way I live. In the way others see me live. Counter culture. Unbelieveable joy in the midst of trouble. Sorrow in the hurt of others. A Jesus creed to live by. A new prayer each day - The Lord is One. To love and serve the Lord God with all your heart, with all your mind, with all your strength, with all your soul. And to love others above yourself. That is the true commandment. A Jesus Creed to live by each day. Help me today Lord to love the people that are hard to love in a way I never imagined.

She really is.

2011-09-13T19:08:00.001-04:00

Not often that I feel compelled to just love my wife. (I'm just being honest, gosh.) That is mostly due to the fact that she is a very independent person that isn't needy. But I don't think I thank her enough. I don't think I praise God enough for giving me the perfect wife to meet all my needs and desires in this lifetime. Did I mention that she is Hot with a capital R? Thanks to pastors (yup - it had been plural for a while now) I was encouraged to make sure that with the flexibility of my new schedule to engage with the superstar each week. To calendarize the priority of spending time with her - and just engaging with each other in our lives. We have been doing it for a month or so. Nothing big - just go get a coffee and chat. OK, truth is I do most of the listening. That's just how it is. (Did I mention Terrace Bagels are generally part of the equation?) But today I am reminded of just how much God loves me by spending time thinking about how fortunate I am to have superstar as my wife. To have her encouraging me in my walk, my work, my family, my friends, my life. To have someone that is truly engaged in seeking God's will for our individual lives, our marriage, and our family. She is such an incredible mom - not perfect as she will admit - but I wouldn't want anyone else raising my children than her. (Did I mention yet that she is hot?) I would not be as healthy as I am in my 40's if it weren't for her modelling a healthy lifestyle - save the 'fat free' era of the early 90's - that doesn't count. I wouldn't be as full of joy as I am in my life if it weren't for her love and affection. I wouldn't be the man, the father, the person I am today if she were not my wife. (Truth is, I might not have ever graduated college) I probably wouldn't have sought out leadership degrees or positions if it weren't for her encouragement to that end. I certainly wouldn't have the friends and the deep relationships I have with many of my friends if she hadn't been a part of that piece of my life. My superstar. My wife. Today, I went for a run in the park at the same time she did - another bonus of my schedule - and I happened to be running in the opposite direction of her. After I got past her I literally (Yes, literally) thought to myself that I should turn around and yell to all the people around "HEY - THAT'S MY WIFE RIGHT THERE." But I showed self-control and shouted it to God and to myself in my head. And I thanked Him for the wonderful gift of the best wife in the world. Evar. She really is.

Life on the Block.

2011-09-11T16:57:00.001-04:00

Yesterday indeed was one of the best days I have had in Brooklyn in my whole life. If you follow MSD, you know that doesn't seem all that strong of a statement since we are going into year 3 here, but nonetheless, it was a fantastic day. Thanks to Chuck and Gerardo for coordinating the back end work it takes to get approval from the city, police, etc. to shut down our street and have a 'block party'. They really are a couple of great guys that really have a care for this neighborhood, and it is just a glimpse to me of how us New Yorkers take ownership of our neighborhoods and our streets - and look out for each other. That happened to a certain extent in MI, but it is a much deeper, more profound care here in my eyes. So as we sat on our street, superstar and I were able to make new connections with neighbors we have not yet met, able to deepen connections we already had, and very much enjoy the day with our block. You can see in the photos some of the great things we were able to participate in and enjoy. It was great talking to "Uncle Jack" Kelly - who is the custodian at Liv's school and enjoy his company, as well as the fine selection of beers he assembles for the block party. I certainly have had my share of Pabst in the past, and although it frightens me, I have had a Schlitz before. But we did get to enjoy a Rheingold, as well as a Schaefer, which I have come to understand are old school Brooklyn beers that used to be the choice of many in their youths. (My evaluation is the Rheingold is something I would drink again, the Schaefer, not so much.) It really is so much joy to watch all of the kids on our block, as well as all their family and friends to enjoy biking, skateboarding, tricycling and the like pretty much all day and all night. Man, were the girls tired at the end of the day. Enjoyed getting to know the artist formerly known as James a bit more, watch Sylvia celebrate her three birthday, and chat with neighbors along with superstar. Spending time with our friend from India, and KK is such a sweet man. Enjoying shrimp toast, broccoli raab sausage, superstar cookies, and a lot of other junk. Among all the unknowns in making this shift from suburbia to bkly, yesterday felt like we are fulfilling what God wanted for us. The Duke (another neighbor) asked just how we figured out that this was going to be such a great block to move to in making that shift. I told him that we simply feel like God led us to this place, and we are so very fortunate and blessed by this place we live. Trusting Him in this move has been such a lesson in humility, in listening, in trying to set your own desires aside to follow Jesus. In doing so, God continues to blow me away with how doing just that fulfills all the desires I have tried to fill on my own without His guidance. I am so thankful that I continue to learn how to trust Him with more and more. Also - yesterday was the first time that I have ever had the priveledge to drive a delivery person's vespa. Here is how that unfolded. The artist formerly known as James and I were standing at the end of our street where the cones and faux fence was set up. A guy comes onto our street past the cones and shuts off his vesps - obviously hispanic with an accent. He says - "I am just making a delivery to 64. It's ok?" So I ask him his name, start chatting in espanol, find out he is Alvaro. Me: "Yeah, but you have to let me drive your scooter." Alvaro: "OK, let me do delivery first, then you can drive." Me: "OK." So Alvaro does to do the delivery, comes back to us, and gets off, starts to take his helmet off and asks "You want helmet?" No, I say, I'll go without it. So I take the vespa for a ride down the shut off street. Just laughing as I ride down the street. Sheer joy in what is actually taking place. I think Alvaro thought we were security or something, but irregardless, I am thankful that Alvaro let me ride. Best day of my life in Brooklyn for certain. EVAR.

Just up this hill. Then down.

2011-09-03T19:30:00.000-04:00

Again as I ran this week, Jesus confirmed to me that He is indeed my workout partner. If I am in an emotional/mental state where I really check out of this world, I can really engage with God on my runs, and it is really cool to worship Him and listen to Him as I sweat and pant and push myself. Unfortunately, the park has a ton of trees down from Hurricane Irene - so typical paths are not quite typical right now. You may think 'oh, i'll run down this trail.' Dead end - tree felled across the path. Turn around, down the next. Nope - felled again. So sometimes when I run, I think - ok, God, which way should I go? A lot like I try to do in my life. Which way? Where do I go? What path do I take? Many times it is really clear to me - many times not so much. So I keep hitting felled trees. And I make the correlation between my run and my life. (If you've followed me for a while, you are saying to yourself - "Um. Capital Duh T$. Capital Duh.") So truth be told, I completely LOVE my new job/role. It is working from home, which I wouldn't say I'm struggling to balance, just adjusting. After working in a school for 16 + years, you get into a rythym. A rythym of life, the time of the school year, the seasons that come and go. For me, it has been a lot of learning and growing in 15 years, but I would hope I have a pretty good grasp of how to handle the seasons, the challenges, serve others in a school, etc. But that equates to a certain level of comfort that I have gotten used to. New style work is not that high level of comfort. Not the routine that I have become accustomed to. Don't take this wrong - it is GOOD. Just different, and I am still adjusting. But I digress.I LOVE my new role, but it is stretching me - I feel the stretch in not really having that same level of comfort I have become accustomed to. The stretching is good - I know that I have to rely on God to help me see things I don't see/know how to do. I pray daily that He would guide my mouth and my work. Some of the things I have to do are beyond my set of skills - beyond my knowledge pocket. So I must rely on Him. Funny how that is what He always wanted me to do, and I am starting to get it. So back to the run, right? Running - talking with God about all the things I just mentioned - praying in a BIG way that this would turn into a full time position after this year. (Please do add that to your prayer list, would you?) And then I question myself - why am I worried about after this year? Is this normal? For me to worry like this? I am not curled up in a ball sucking my thumb, but just in the background - is this going to go on past this year? Is that normal for me to process ongoing? Is it Satan trying to get a foothold? Still waiting for the jury to reassemble on that front. Let me know if you hear anything, would you? But then I ask - ok, God which way do I run? Just up this hill. Then down. Um. What? Just up this hill then down. Ok, so I run up the hill. Then down. Another turn. Just up this hill. Then down. Now the humor show starts....'Tonight's guest....T$! Ok, God. I get it. Just run up this hill of work this year. Then down. We'll see where to go after that. Just up this hill. Then down.

Are you stalking me?

2011-08-31T12:27:00.003-04:00

As often happens to me, I had somewhat of a revelation as I ran this week. Perhaps it was a result of experiencing two major cataclysmic events in NYC in one week - one being the 5.9 earthquake that happened where our building shook tremendously, and felt quite different than most things we have experienced here - the other being Hurricane Irene which forced us indoors, and fortunately we were not in an evacuation zone like many friends. (It seems almost illogical that I am blogging about those two events even happening here in BKLY - is this apocolyptical? MMMM. Probably not.) So as I ran I felt like God was asking me : "Are you stalking Jesus?" As I pondered that challenge, I ran through the concept of being a stalker. Obsession. Almost illogical in nature. Going after something you probably don't really understand. Trying to obtain something that isn't really obtainable. Yet you have a drive and a passion to pursue it, even in secret, even when others don't know about it. So I thought to myself - am I really stalking Jesus? Am I obsessed with the pursuit of trying to be close to Him? Am I spending time (in public and in private) trying to get a glimpse of Him? Do I go to His house and hide in the bushes waiting to catch a glimpse? Do I spend my days and nights trying to get pictures of Him? Does my day revolve around Him and trying to get near? The answers are -mmmm. Probably not. (again) So my question is this - what would it look like if all of us Christians were Jesus stalkers? Would that attract others to become Jesus stalkers? So if you see me in the bushes of your church, or your neighborhood, or the park, don't worry. I'm just stalking Jesus.

Give me everything you got.

2011-08-19T13:51:00.003-04:00

Back in BKLY for a couple weeks now, it feels good to be home. We sat at a light the other day, and supersar said to me: "It feels good to be home." I can't agree with her statement more. It feels good to be home. If feels good to walk down Lexington with pastor. It feels good to catch up with the neighbors, to see alli and liv reengage with their friends, to be at the PIT for sunday gatherings, to stand at the DMV for over 7.5 hours total on two separate dates - ok, maybe that reminds me of spreading the love of Jesus more than the others...
I have been doing some excercise sessions trying to get more fit - working on my core. KT has inspired me with her hard work to track my calories again, and I am publically committing to trying to lose "the last 15" - the hardest ones to lose. But I am really going to work at it. (Thanks sis for inspiring me!) But I did go for a run this week in the park - and I am ever greatful for the ability to go over there and run. I often hear God speak to me in the beauty of nature in the midst of this grand city. This week I think He was trying to tell me "Give me everything you got." A lot of times, I feel like God speaks to me through my physical activity. As I ran, I physically gave it all I had (for brief periods, I do like breathing), and it sure did stretch my physically to sprint. I feel like God is asking me to give Him everything. True speak = I haven't really been doing that. We are human, and life consumes us. It really is challenging to live the way He wants us to live each day, each moment, each interaction with others. But I am willing to try my best to give Him everything I have this fall and beyond. He continues to stretch me in my new role. The comfort of being in a school, being confident at my abilities with students, parents, and staff is not a crutch I can lean on at this time. I thank God for my new role, for the ability to stretch myself, to learn new things, to work with the aussie and try to give the leaders everything we have. I am thankful that God continues to stretch me = physically, spiritually, in my work, in my relationships with family, friends, strangers. I pray that the Holy Spirit will guide me in giving it everything I have.

Way too long

2011-08-14T17:13:00.001-04:00

Well, it certainly has been way to long since I posted a blog entry, and for that I am regretful. I have so many times in the last couple months felt compelled to blog this, that, or the other, and yet, nothing here to show for it. There is plenty to report, process, and evaluate.
-I spent 37 days out of Brooklyn starting July 1st. That was great, magnificent, enjoyable, rewarding, relaxing, and exhilerating. But it was too long for me. At the same time it was all those things, it was also a bit too long for me to be away from my home. Of course, the girls were with me most of that time, so that was another bonus, but this is my hood. My people. My life. I found myself dreaming of being in Brooklyn, in my neighborhood, in my apartment. I am ever thankful that I am able to escape the city for such a stretch, as the city does grind on you, but not sure I am explaining this very well. Truth is, I love my life here in the city, my neighbors, the park, my bed, the pace of life. Thanks be to God for calling me here.
-So much enjoyed time with my dad and family, Char's family, friends, and all the joy of summer vacation. It was the first summer without my mom, and I certainly miss her presence, her giving, her love, her voice calling me down the hallway. I am still ever thankful that she was my mom and that I got to enjoy as much of her as I did in my lifetime. Each day is precious, and we need to be reminded of that - to live today and enjoy each moment and not get all jacked up worrying about stupid things.
-Cedar Point trip was just so fun this year again - thanks to the Maples motel for always being a great place to stay. It was such a joy to enjoy rides with our whole family - and to see Liv on the dragster for the first time. Just a ball all around.
-We were able to take our van off hospice and purchase a new used car - a Nissan Cube. It certainly fits our BKLY family well, and I am happy we found something that will meet all our needs, and that we had the resources to upgrade our vehicle instead of worrying about break downs/let downs/etc.
-I again started a new role at work for this year, and I can't express how excited I am about that. Yet again, God has pushed me to trust in Him completely, not in my desires or abilities. It feels as if though He is blessing me through this new role - that He is honoring the hard times I have faced and the challenges that have come to me through my work over the last two and a half years. I get to work with the aussie (that is sheer joy in and of itself), as well as an incredible team of people that really want to serve others and grow people in an effort to create great schools for the great kids and families we serve.
-Superstar and I celebrated our 15 year anniversary on June 29th, and we spent a night in Mt. Dismal to celebrate - got a chance to spend some great time with Rod Carew and it was so awesome to see him and his wife - and we hit all the hot spots we used to hang, saw our old apartments, and even got to have a bloody mary at the blackstone. Not to mention pabst there is only 1$.
-It is great to be back with such friends as the pastor. What an encouragement to go through life with people like he, cramden, and kallen. I have missed our time together and the encouragement we can provide each other. I look forward to another trip to the hamptons soon...

Niceness.

2011-06-16T09:22:00.003-04:00

I forgot to post about Olivia's 'off-broadway debut' with the storypirates, and I will have to post a full thought and pictures soon.
But I have committed to journalling daily and reading my bible daily this month, as I mentioned I had 'fallen off the wagon' recently. Whenever I do this, I have one of those 'duh' moments where I realize just how stupid I am, and how simple it is to allow things of this world to take over my life. I am certain that Satan loves that much when we allow that to happen. But as I looked at the beautiful moon last night, as I sat on the stoop with my neighbors lee and nora and mjc on a beautiful night, and as I saw the beauty of my superstar revealed to me the last two days anew (you as a redhead = HOT), as I enjoyed my bike rides in BKLYn, I am reminded anew of how God has planned for us to "have life, and have it to the full." And when we engage in the fullness He has prepared for us, our eyes, ears, and spirit are open to better understanding what He has in store for us. I had a conversation with someone this week that may have upset me in the past, and made me angry. But in spending time looking at Collassians 3 with my homies at communitasnyc this month, I put on the clothes of patience and compassion and gentleness, and loved the person like I never could have on my own. I am not sure what God will do with those things, but I know in my heart that He is honored that I put those on instead of spite and malice and greed and anger. Thank you pastor for always leading me to success. PS- two more weeks to summer vacation with the family = niceness.

Big Difference.

2011-06-04T07:54:00.002-04:00

I heard my superstar say this to the girls this week: "Discipline sounds like something that is bad, right? But really, it isn't. It means to push yourself to doing something. Like journalling, reading your bible, spending time with God. That is a spiritual discipline. See how that isn't a bad thing?" For nearly four years now (you can get the full story if you look back to 2007 postings), I have certainly elevated my game in the area of spiritual disciplines. Reading the bible more than I ever did before, truly engaging with what God's desire is for my life, not just when it is convenient, trying to spend time being still and listening to what God has to say to me, and one thing I never really understood why superstar did it - journalling. I really started engaging in my morning "Java with Jesus" when I began to work for my company in the D. I would get up early to drive down Alter Road to the little park where the lake turns into the D river. I spent nearly every morning there for the school year - reading at least three chapters of something (sometimes 3 OT, 3 NT), and then taking the time to "Be Still and Listen" and write what I thought the Holy Spirit was telling me. I learned so many things through that time, wherever I took it. That time was perhaps more valuable than anything else I have ever done in my life. And I have worked to continue this discipline since we moved. But as of late, I have gotten out of this practice. Work is challenging, and life is challenging, and I didn't really make excuses for not doing it, I just kind of let it fall out of my daily routine. I kept telling myself I needed to do it. Carried my journal around with me daily for many many days and never opened it. But this week after superstar's comment, I made the time. And I am saying to myself - BOY are you STUPID for not doing this every day. Because how are we to hear God's voice if we don't take the time to listen? How are we to know what He wants to pour into our lives if we don't spend time with Him? This in combination with reading the bible daily is the spiritual equivalent of a nutritional plan including exercise that maintains the physical body I have. If you look at a picture of this body from 5 years ago, you will know that I wasn't paying attention to that plan that I try to stick to these days. Big difference. When I stick to the discipline of spending time in the word, and journalling my thoughts and His = Big difference. I am so ever thankful that I get to live in a country where I am free to do that, and I pray that I stay disciplined in this habit. I pray that others might see the value and spend time each day reading the bible and spending time with Him who loves us so much, he paid the price for our sins. I thank God for the beauty that surrounds me each day as part of his plan to bless our lives, and I pray for each person on my prayer list - that God would bless them today and always. Amen.

The Last Push

2011-05-28T15:23:00.002-04:00

Today I ran 3.67 miles - it is a trip around the entire park perimeter - more than I usually run, and a bit challenging for me I might add. But great joy in making this push. As I ran along the west side of the park, I was on the last big upswing of the run. A half mile or so up this hill, and I knew that it would be 'all downhill from there'. This saying is used so often in life "Oh, it's all downhill from here". But I didn't want to run up that last upswing. I wanted it to be downhill. I wanted it to be easy. I wanted it to take less effort. But as I often experience during my runs, God taught me something about "The Last Push". That He could do it for me. That it wouldn't be hard if I depended on Him and not on my own abilities. I see so many correlations in my life right now. The last push of this school year is a bit challenging. The last push of this job position - also challenging. The last push of my potential for impact on friends, colleagues, and students at our school. On an even deeper level - I feel like superstar and I are entering our last push with our kids. More so with Alli than Olivia, but it is coming. This is a last push that is hard. Paying attention is key. I feel like it is also a last push in our marriage. (No, nothing is wrong, stronger than ever thank you) Even more so - perhaps the last push of my lifetime in all things that I have in my life. Let's face it. Smoker for 20 years or so. Didn't take care of my body for that middle portion of my life -which I am certain inflicted some damage in different areas. 40% of Americans will get cancer. Most will die from it. I may actually be in my last push. I hope that God shows me grace and protects my body and my spirit from corruption that is of this world. But certainly, I am most likely on the downswing of that equation. So back to the point. I need to continue to allow Him to help me with my 'last push'. To teach me where to go, what to do, how to live. This week has been very powerful for me spiritually - because I have spent time with Him pushing into His word and His will. I hope I can maintain that momentum and that perhaps my last push will be a mighty one.

Trust and Obey.

2011-05-25T10:18:00.003-04:00

What a wonderful evening yesterday in the city. After a full day of work and school, I was fortunate enough to have dinner with Mr. Hewitt which involved a splendid beer, a burger bigger than my head at Jackson Hole, and an awesome conversation about life, work, and the journey that is the life of those trying to follow Jesus. (Thanks Mr. Hewitt) Then I got to go to the kallens (my only UWS friends) and listen to Jaya Sankar - an incredible Indian man that continues to truly live out James 1:27 - "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." Jaya lives this out at a place called CEM-Christ Evangelical Mission, and you can learn more about the work God has him doing at http://impactindia360.org/
His story of faith and obedience to God is incredible, but for Jaya, it is not about his story, it's about His story. "The God of Light" that he began to learn about at age 12 continues to grow his faith. While listening to him speak last night, I was touched in my spirit by what he does, and how God has taken empty lots and turned them into holy places where the love of Jesus is experienced by many. Jaya said that God said to him at one point: "Trust and Obey." Something I feel like I have heard God tell me so often since our move to NYC. I have been bogged down with this world, and need to elevate my game a bit in light of God's reminder that I must 'trust and obey' Him. I need to spend more time with my Creator so that I can hear Him speak to me through others, through His word, and through His Holy Spirit. Thank you Jaya for the reminder. Please pray that God will continue to turn empty lots into places of refuge for the people in Jaya's community. Pray for the home for the elderly they are dreaming of. The leadership training they want to do for the future of their people, their city, and their country. Pray for money to do new and wonderful things so that others might experience the joy of Jesus calling them to 'trust and obey.' Amen.

All this wonder.

2011-05-14T14:05:00.004-04:00

I know that my words are not going to be enough to explain to you what this week has been for me. It is sometimes a challenge to look at the last few years and think about some of the hard things I have had to get through at my work locations. And yet, I do know that some of the hardships have taught me some of the hardest lessons that I have had to learn. But having the opportunity to work for a company that really believes in developing people has been more than I can ever deserve in a job. Yes, they pay me for what I do, and quite well I might add. And I love it. It is hard at times, but I do love it. And this week opened my eyes just to see a very small glimpse of the iceberg that will be my new position. And the iceberg is beautiful, even if I can only see the tip of it. (Let's not diminish the fact that I got to hang with Berman for a bit while I was there, and a fabulous weekend with my Dad - love you Dad.) At this point, my company has asked if I would be willing to work full time with the aussie and work on leadership development within our organization. If you are someone that knows me, or someone that has worked with me in the past, you know that this is something that has always been a huge part of who I am in my work - I truly believe in developing people and their leadership skills. And I think I certainly have gotten better at that over the years. This week was our final meeting of a group the aussie and I have led all year, a culmination of developing them as leaders. So we rented a 'retreat house' and took them there to finish the year with an opportunity to review our learning, do some culminating activities and the like. If you look at the photo, this is the view off our balcony on the third floor we stayed on...I'm just sayin'. The aussie and I were like a couple of school boys just soaking it in as we talked about how honored we are to do the work we do, and to have the opportunity to dream big for our organization and working to lead leaders of the future.
But let's get back to Friday the 6th if you will allow me a moment. If you read my blog, you saw my last post - And a phrase came back to me: "Be a Leader of Schools." I did look in my journal of years ago, and that phrase was given to me in my quiet time on 2/22/2008. So over three years ago. God had a plan. He knew what He wanted me to do. And I have done my best to let Jesus be my CEO and my PR department and my guide in my career, our selection of where to live, what to do with our assists, and the like. I can tell you I have not been perfect, but I certainly trust Him more each day I give my love, my life, and my resources to Him that created me. Without taking time to listen to Him, I may have never heard that phrase, and may have never written this post because of the connection He made for me. But all this wonder and hope I have is because of His providence for my life. Peace and joy to all this wonder.

Jack Handy

2011-05-07T09:56:00.002-04:00

So much has happened in the last couple of blogless weeks, and I often have said to myself: "Self - I need to blog about that." And haven't found the time to do it. For a few reasons. First - we had Easter Vacation, and a long stretch it was. It was so nice to check out for a while - even though I had much work to do over break, I let that go and enjoyed greatly time with the girls, superstar, and the indoor water park. Then Dad, my nugget cousin and AJ came to visit for a week. It was beyond awesome having Grandpa stay with us - and I think he even enjoyed his time in the big city. A bit different pace than that of his normal day to day life back in MI, but we certainly loved having him visit us. It is hard to believe that it is rapidly approaching two years since we moved away from MI, and it seems like more than that to me because I was actually out in NYC working before the move.
But I digress - God continues to put the concept of LOVE in my day to day walk. I am not really sure why He is doing that, but I can tell you the day to day applications are easier when I pay attention to the lessons I seem to be getting in His Love. Mine is not big enough. It will never be enough with just my love. But with His, I am realizing the potential of loving those that I don't particularly want to love. As a matter of fact, there are situations where I want to avert loving this person or that person, but they kind of love I struggle with flows out of me when I tap into this kind of love mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8:
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
There are people it is hard for me to love - and God helps me to love them in this way. There are people that I REALLY love, and God blows my heart up as of late with the blessing of them in my life.
More - Along this same line, I am learning to let a lot more go in my life this year. There are things that used to really get me upset, I would get frustrated and angry with people I thought were 'stupid', or at work doing things a way I didn't think was best. But I have learned that I need to just love them, and let that type of anger and frustration go. It doesn't mean that I allow people to walk on me, or don't speak up when I need to, but I have realized that through His Love, I might be able to help myself and others by allowing things to roll off me more in this life. Interesting indeed.
In case you follow this blog regularly, you might have picked up on the fact that I am a bit excited about my new role next year - and the opportunity to work with the aussie. (Spoiler alert - I am excited about it fo sho) Every moment that I process the fact that I am going to have the honor of developing leaders of schools, and the blessing of doing that alongside the aussie - I am truly blown away at His providence for my life. "For I know the things I have for you to do."
NEWS FLASH
As I sat and wrote the last couple of sentences, I am reminded (is that you Holy Spirit?) of something I felt like God told me a few years ago. As I spent much time looking for employment in NYC, I felt like God whispered something like "Be a Leader of Schools". I am in MI right now, so I can't pull my journals and find it (Spoiler Alert #2 - I will when I get home and blog it). At the time I was interviewing with a group called "New Leaders for New Schools", and so I remember at the time thinking that might be what God was leading me to, but you can see the results of that process in this post. I am again overwhelmed that something He was telling me over three years ago is now coming to fruition - and this is something I know I have learned is the Timing of Jesus. His plan is not always ours. His timeline certainly is not what we usually expect or experience, but if we are faithful in all things, God is mighty and powerful and meets our every need beyond what we ever thought possible. In all things. When we lean on Him, our lives are complete and overflowing with the love that I mention above. I better stop these deep thoughts before I blog for several hours.

Inexplicable Love.

2011-04-25T07:52:00.002-04:00

Easter time. A time to realize just what Jesus came to earth for - to die. For each one of us. This is something that I believe to be true. The world around me does not always support this idea, but I have spent the time in my life looking at the reality of it, and I believe it to be true. This weekend once again, communitasnyc had a Good Friday service, and a Sonrise service in Central Park. During both events, I looked around and prayed for those in attendance. Some I know very well. Some I am getting to know better. Some I don't know at all. But as I prayed for the people that were there, I had an overwhelming sense of just how much I love the people that God has brought into my life. My heart nearly explodes with emotion as I think about people that I am engaged with on a daily basis. Some of the people I am talking about have some tendencies that make me crazy. Some just simply aggravate me (sorry, but it is the truth). But as I prayed for people this weekend, I felt a love for them like I never felt before. I realized just how much I love them. And God pointed out to me that this is the love He has for me. His heart explodes with emotion for me, for the others in my life, and for you - yes you. This is a love that is not easily explained. How can you describe this kind of love to someone that has suffered greatly? Someone that was shorted this kind of love as a child? Someone that the world has rejected? Someone that our society doesn't value as worthy or meaningful? I need to demonstrate this much love not only for the people that I am engaged with regularly, but with everyone I come in contact with. Help me Jesus to demonstrate this inexplicable love.

In Bloom.

2011-04-18T10:15:00.002-04:00

I returned home to Brooklyn last Thursday, ignited by excitement of what is to come in the future for my job. I was so encouraged to spend time with the aussie this week - just sharing in the fun of engaging with each others lives, in the great task of developing the leaders of tomorrow for our company, and simply being friends to each other. It is my desire that every human being have someone like this at work - that everyone would have someone at work that loves them unconditionally and encourages them to do right. In all areas of their life. Anhwho, I digress. So I am riding in the taxi and coming from the browns and greys of michigan, the thing that screams to me as I ride the BQE are the trees in bloom. Flowering trees. Greens beginning to pour out of each branch. Flowers leaping out of the ground shouting with their beauty and colors and life. Leaping out of the cold ground they have been under all winter. And I felt a sense of blooming inside my soul that began this week. God continues to bloom in me, and I feel like one of the buds coming out of a branch. Or flower coming out of the ground. Life on this earth is like being under ground in the winter, coldness and darkness surrounding you. Energy conservation simply to survive. And then the warmth of the sun (or son as it were) pours light into your darkness, warms your cold soul, and you are able to spring to life. To brighten the world around you, even if it is only on your street. In your subway car. With your family. In your prayer life for others. Whatever this bloom is that God has renewed in my, whatever is developing in my soul anew, it is warmth and it is wonderful. I feel like today, I am in bloom.

So precious to me.

2011-04-13T21:43:00.000-04:00

Well, the last few weeks have put me into a funk of sorts, but it appears that God has understood my funk, and is lifting me out of it. He continues to give me what I need, exactly as I need it, and it is quite obvious at this time that He cares deeply about me. Who knew? I have been challenged once again with not truly knowing what will happen with work for next year. What? You've heard me say that before? For the last five years or so? Correct boy wonder. But this week has once again given me an opportunity to engage with God, away from the turmoil and the noise of the city, which I love.
First part of my trip is spending a weekend with my dad. My mom has been gone for almost 6 months now. It seems quick to me, but as my nugget cousin said, it doesn't get easier, just different. So I get to enjoy being with dad. Spending time with him, enjoying each other, eating breakfast at the restaurant, cleaning the garage and having a beer, watching the race, listening to him snore while I watch the race, and a bunch of other fun things. I am really incredibly proud of my dad. I know that dads are supposed to be proud of their kids, but I am proud of him. Losing your wife of 42 years is not what most would describe as an 'easy' experience. Particularly when your wife was someone that served you always, loved others more than herself, and loved you more than she loved herself. That's not an easy thing to lose. But I am truly proud of how he is handling this part of his life with grace, and he is an encouragement to me, and an inspiration to others. Even though he has some tough hours (he told me himself, they aren't tough days, just hours) - he is still living life, and loving others with the love my mother shared with him. What an encouragement for me to hear him whistling as he walks down the hall in the morning, afternoon, and at night. I love you dad so much.
Further, this week I have been lucky enough to work with the aussie again as we look to develop leaders, create leadership learning paths, and better understand how to teach others the concepts of being a leader in service to those you lead. He is an incredible man with an incredible heart for people and for their success, and it is an honor for me to be on a team with him. This leads to the last point I will make on my sprouts that are turning into shoots which are turning into trees which, by the by, are blossoming. In my work this week I also got to spend time in conversation with AD (as well as the aussie). It felt surreal to me that I got to be in this conversation. AD has taught me so much about leadership - about what it really means to serve. To care about people's needs. To demonstrate that care. The conversations made me feel valued as a person. So much I have learned from him, and I hope so much more that I will learn as we move forward. Speaking of which, AD whilst presenting to all of the great leaders in our company pointed out verbally that the aussie and I will be working together next year developing leaders and leadership. That means I do know without hesitation that it will happen for next school year. And I am ever thankful to God for this great blessing week He has given me. It means a lot to me that He loves me so much. So much, it doesn't even make sense. And I don't even deserve it. Thanks God for the week I know is full of gifts of good things. And You are good. So good. So precious to me.

Precious to me.

2011-04-13T21:11:00.004-04:00

Leagues Under the Sea.

2011-04-05T12:41:00.002-04:00

I am relatively new to the blogosphere as far as I know. It's been a few years, but not really fully understanding the complexity and accessibility of the world we live in, I am kind of blown away by something I knew was approaching and now has passed. I have a 'sitemeter' on my blog. I don't know if anyone can access the data that is linked to it or not (please feel free to let me know), but there is a lot of information that comes out of it, some that is beyond my level of understanding. But it tracks how many people visit, where they are at, how they click in, how they click out, average time on the site, etc. etc. etc. blahblahblahblah. This week marks over 20,000 visits to MSD. I know a lot of those visits are actually me, but it really blows me away that that many poeple have come to read, to hear, to grow?
One of the features on the sitemeter is to look at visitors by World Map. I find it hard to believe that people in Europe or the Middle East have a desire to read about mustard seeds, but they are clicking in. God used that image today to help me understand the magnitude of our potential for impact in this world today. Not just by blogging, of course, but by what we do. What we say. What we experience. What we share with others. How we live. What our struggles are. What we celebrate. Why we cry. Why we rejoice in the coming of our Lord. Why we praise His works. So welcome to the 20,000 mark of MSD. I pray that it might be a tool that God uses to help others see with His eyes. Hear with His ears. And spread more light on the world map.

I remember you.

2011-04-01T13:53:00.002-04:00

As I read my bible today, I was in Phillipians 1, and quite a few things hit me whilst I was reading it. Verse 3 says "I thank my God every time I remember you." And upon finishing that sentence, waves of friends crashed over me from my lifetime - madonnawannabe that I got to hug on 24th street after 18 years, hammy, cdubs, jimmer, mg, berman, swinging D, schramdaddy, BGSUCKS, cay-uh, sick pete, the jerky boys, fishman, iiwii, bb, and so many many more. Waves crashing over me of friendships that God has blessed me with. And I thank God for all of the friendships I have. Those are just a few from the past that I remember hitting me. Then my friends from the present bowl over me. Pastor. Aussie. Rockinthemic. And I thank God for them. For my dad who texts me regularly nowadays. Then I read on in Verse 7 - "It is right fro me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart; for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God's grace with me. (8)God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.
This is the affection I have for those I love. The affection of Jesus. Tears well up as I think of that affection, and the affection I have for those I love. Just like he loves me. And I pray that the Holy Spirit would guide my heart to love others I don't know in that fashion. That my heart would long for others, and that I could express the affection of Jesus to them.

Not my wheel

2011-03-23T20:32:00.002-04:00

I stand on the train. My reflection shouts at me out of the pane of window on the last car. The city runs by me in its fervor. People hustle. Bustle. Stop moving. Run to the door. Up the hole they go out into this world. Radio360 rings in my ear. I love this music. It creates a picture in my mind that makes sense. It guides my thoughts among the stops. Dinner with pastor. My friend. My confidant. My witness. Jesus rides with me. But sometimes I grab the wheel. He doesn't like me when I choose to drive. My girlfriend holds up her torch of freedom and shouts at me all the more. Free choice. It's yours. Why don't you make the right one? Satan fools me. More people rush by. In an instant I wonder who this man is reflecting off the glass. I don't recognize the face. It seems to thin to be me. I don't recognize the wrinkles. Is there wisdom in this face? Is there a heart that leads these thought patterns? He doesn't like it when I grab the wheel. I listen. I pray. I ask forgiveness. He gives it to me. I don't deserve it. I love this city. But it is hard. It burns me sometimes, and there is no cure for the burn. My heart longs for the freedom I wish all could experience. I love the people. I love the accents. I hate the anger. I display the anger and question my own humanity. I love others without reason. They hate me in return. I offer the grace of Jesus. I watch the hate unfold. I hear the anger in voices unkempt. Jesus points my eyes to the vomiting drunk. He guides my hand to open the door. He hates when I grab the wheel. I walk along the streets that offer redemption. It is listening I desire. I listen. My funk unfolds. And I am alone. I miss my family. They are right next to me. My uncle shouts from a rooftop - sup? I bounce along my path. Immersed in iniquities. Jesus longs for me and I miss him. I miss my chance. To love others. He still loves me. Jesus. Unrelenting. Love. Within me. I long for more, yet my strength is gone. It hurts to feel. I experience the eternal joy in a moment. And the moment is gone. Stay with me Jesus. Guide me to keep my hands off the wheel.

Motion Sensor

2011-03-22T08:37:00.002-04:00

Well, if you read my posts, it has been 'a hot minute' since my last fence building post. You are probably sitting on the edge of your chair checking my blog daily to see what happened. Or not. Thing is, because of the aussie and pastor, I was encouraged and convinced to take the high road, and even though I still feel I did nothing wrong, I did apologize for 'if' I reacted wrong. Of course the other end did not accept any wrongdoing either, but truth be told, I probably could have been less defensive. My problem is that I have a hard time when there are such important things that need to be addressed are not, and that was the thing that was addressed. (that may not make any sense to you, but it does to me) So I was immediately given affirmations two days after the fence building, and I feel that God just gave me a small gift and told me - it will be ok. Trust me. I continue to try to learn just that - to trust in Him. The day of fence building, I was on the train going into the city, and was taken back to my mother's bedside as she was dying and in her last days. I recalled then the peace that God gave me, and remembered standing at her side, my hand on her small shoulder, touching her bald head (yeah, that's why mine is so good looking), and spending time just praising God. In that moment of what would appear to be agony and pain and suffering, I was praising my Creator. Doesn't even make sense, but that is what God is. Nonsensical Love. God is Love. What is He? Love. Unmistakeable Love. With a capital R.
So why is it that going through the motions of life is so challenging? Because Jesus promised us just that - "In this life you will have trouble." If you look at John 16:33, you see just this:

33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

He guarantees we will have trouble. That is certain, but look at the first line - He told us these things why? So that in Him, we may have peace. He has overcome the world.

Help me Lord to set my motion sensor on your desires. That when there is a motion in this world you want me to see, that my eyes are open to it. That I might take heart in your peace and follow you more in all I do.

Shockingly incredible fence building.

2011-03-09T12:56:00.004-05:00

I really am confused by the events that took place yesterday. I was accused of not 'being on the right team'. In my eyes, we are all on the same team working to the same end. Not some division or separation that we need to institute in order to be sure people know which side of the fence we are on. This is the basic instrument that has precluded humanity from the concept of peace. Building fences. Erecting walls between groups of people. Trying to ensure separation between groups of people with different roles within an organization. This is the antithesis of leadership in my eyes, and I may not have reacted appropriately with such an accusation of said team side selections. In my eyes, if you are looking at an 'educational organization', the bottom line is student learning. That is why I believe in the mission and vision of the company I work for, and why I work hard to try to ensure just that - students are learning. I like to enjoy myself along the way. As my friend win-D would say "ain't no sense in bein' stupid". And if I might take a moment of tripping here, I am good at building relationships with people. People of all kinds. Colors. Personality types. Backgrounds. Interests. It almost seems to me that the comments yesterday were telling me that it's not OK to build those relationships. Check that - I was told that I made poor judgement and bad decisions. Bad decisions? Investing in the people that are doing the work to support the bottom line - student learning? Getting to know them personally and enjoy time with them outside of this place? Talking about their family, their lives, their apartment search, their school, their struggles and successes? Build a fence. Stay on your side. Don't cross over, unless it means you can be friends with the 'popular kids' on this middle school drama reality TV series. I'm just saying. I am a fence tearer downer. Yup. Those are real words. And I won't stand passively by and let someone build a fence between those I serve, no matter what their role is. Because I love people. Don't take this wrong - there are still times you need to hold people to the fire, and that can get uncomfortable. But what leaders need to hear (pay attention Lovers!) is that you can care for people's needs, and still deliver tough messages to them. But if you don't have a relationship with them, it will never work.

Much love to pastor for always pouring into me, and checking my behavior to allow me to check myself. Also, big shout out to my girl T. Brown out in the 'Zou for giving me the gift of Psalms 27 today. For I am doing my absolute best to 'seek the face of the Lord', and I am tired of the fence building.

Go among the nations.

2011-03-07T10:20:00.002-05:00

Life. It is what matters, right? So why do we go through life, engaging in foolishness, wrestling with stupidity, and not following what we truly believe? Figure that one out and let me know, would you all?

On this blog, I have a 'sitemeter' that tracks how many people visit, where they are, what gets them to the site, etc. It is really a pretty astonishing tool if you think about it. And I get a monthly report on it. I don't look at it very often, but once in a while, I will peruse some of the information contained therein. I came to the realization that I am just about to push the 20,000 visit mark. When I stop for a moment and consider that fact, it is pretty mind boggling. That is a lot of people that have visited, and I didn't really know why I started this blog, but felt compelled to a few years ago.

So if you look at just the last 100 visitors, of course my Michigan entourage is tuned in, but there are people I don't know looking in from MI, as I can look on a map and see it. Also included are: Texas, California, Wisconsin, Missouri, Indiana, Illinois, North Carolina, Washington DC (Obama Mama?), Tennessee, Maryland, Virginia, Pennsylvania, Massachusetts, and of course NY - and again people I don't know from other areas of NY. That blows my mind.

Now, lets talk about something that God continues to say to me in my quiet time - which I will admit I have SUCKED at as of late. (Goal #1 - get back on track with this) I often hear "Go among the nations" when I listen, and part of me believes that has some kind of grand implication here in NYC where it is so diverse. But I do know that I have gotten a couple of comments on my blog as well, one from someone in Brazil - by the by I have prayed for your radio station and the work you are doing there - and someone who wrote the comment in Italian, from Italy I am assuming, that is a priest of some kind there - by the by I don't speak Italian, but can google a good translator. But maybe this blog is 'going among the nations'. Take a look at part and parcel of the last 100 visits:
Canada - including Manitoba, Alberta, British Columbia, and Quebec; United Kingdom, Denmark, Switzerland, Hungary, Spain, Saudi Arabia, India, Korea, Malaysia, and Australia.
And those are in the last 100. Please know all of you among the nations that you have encouraged me today to strive in my walk. To post more often, and to continue to push into my relationship with Jesus, and with the people around me. If you are reading this regularly from another state or another nation, post a comment and tell me about yourself so I can pray for you to be encouraged today. And always. And "Go. Go among the nations to preach the good news." Blessings.

The Natural Disaster

2011-02-24T09:51:00.003-05:00

Ahhhhh. Suburbia. Home to strip malls, parking lots with actual parking spots, Home Depot's, TGI Friday's, Applebees. Costcos. Exits (it is pronounced egg-zits in case you didn't know) with readily available everything for your consumption. We were invited by the soon to be marrieds to dinner at the new casa bel grande. The Disaster was kind enough to have us out to enjoy mexican night in their new home - and the quesadilla maker proved to be a valuable natural resource for the kkft. (PS-the margaritas didn't suck either). The girls enjoyed sliding down the wood staircase on a dog - don't get all bent out of shape - it wasn't a real dog, but a gigantic stuffed dog. There were many times when the disaster pointed out that fact that he did not know where the nearest hospital was in case of an emergency because of some of the girls' antics - all in good fun of course in the wide open space of their new home. I think if it is possible, the girls were actually 'high' on open space for a period of time. We enjoyed great conversation, catching up on what is happening in our lives - personally and professionally. I learned that they will have an unlimited supply of meat at their wedding next summer - which is nice. We laughed heartily - and I mean all of us - at many a topic over the course of the evening. We enjoyed delicious food and drink. We reveled in the fact that we get to enjoy each other and our families during this vacation time, and how fortunate we are to have this time together. And as we headed back to the city to our home, and as superstar drove the minivan of love down the long island expressway, I relaxed and thanked God for these friends of ours, and I'm not going to lie, dozed off while thinking about it. But to think about it more today, it is hard for me to believe that last night, I left my apartment in Brooklyn, drove the 2 hours or so out onto Long Island to spend an evening with our friends, and then return to our 'home' in the W.T. Had I not ever followed the promptings of God, that would have never happened. I would have never experienced the joy of mexican night out in Rocky Point, never had the pleasure of The Disaster and his lovely fiancee, never have enjoyed watching the girls run in circles with a gigantic stuffed dog, never watched Olivia hang herself on the towel hanger and fly through the air on the ice as we left, never enjoyed the smiles on their faces as they waved out the front door as we left (completely reminding me of visiting family members in MI), never realized just how far he traveled to serve students the last two years, and never experienced the joy I did yesterday. Thank you Natural Disaster and fiancee. Thank you for the smiles and memories.

A Godly Example.

2011-02-22T22:07:00.002-05:00

Tonight I had the honor and privilege of dining with three men that I engage with regularly in my life here in the city. It was to be a meeting, and then a dinner to celebrate kallen's 50th. It turned out being a wonderful enjoyable evening. These three men have a strong presence in my life, and I am so very thankful to have them in my life. As I look back at the last few years, there are three different stories here. One is pastor, and as you have read, he has helped me to grow and stretch tremendously over the last few years. Another is cramdon, and his friendship continues to grow in my heart, and I enjoy spending time with him more and more, and enjoy getting to know him on a deeper level as we engage in life with each other, and work to follow Jesus and build His church. But alas, now I have come to the reason for this post. At dinner, we spend a lot of time talking about communitas nyc, and spend a limited time talking about turning 50, bucket lists, and the like. But as I took the train home tonight, I reflected on kallen's impact on me as a man. He has always been a strong example of a man following God in his life, his marriage, and as a father. We talked about the fact that his daughter will be 21 in a couple of weeks, and that freaks me out in a way. She was just a little girl when I met the k's, and now a young woman in college. The thing about kallen is that he will not like this post. He will be the first to admit he is not perfect, and makes mistakes. But you should know kallen that your love, your commitment to processing life in a Godly way, and your humility have taught me so much, and I came to realize it is nearly 20 years that I have known you and you have had that impact. I want the world to know that if you asked me what I would like my life to look like in 10 years, I would say like kallen's. That seems counterintuitive as kallen might tell you about this past year. Struggles abound with his family. The health of his body, surgery, recovery, etc. Finances that some day in the past seemed promising to a great extent, only to be happy to not have to go bankrupt (yet). Living in a world of unknowns and not certain of outcomes with any segment of his life. (You read that this is what I want my life to look like in 10 years, right?) Why do I want to grow up to be like him? Because he follows God. He believes in Jesus. Even though he will tell you it is a struggle to share that at work. He loves the Lord. He trusts God with his heart. And that is what I want to be like. Even in what perhaps has been one of the roughest years of his life, he continues to worship Jesus in the midst of pain, sorrow, and uncertainty. And I love him so. Even if he doesn't like it when I hug him, perhaps a little too long, I know that he loves me with all my junk. I know that he cares deeply about my wife and kids, simply because they are my wife and kids. There are only a few men that I can possibly put on a list entitled "Godly Examples in My Life", but you my friend Kallen are certainly on that list forever more. Happy Birthday my friend. May God bless you this year with health, prosperity, and healing. I hope I can be just like you when I grow up. Much love.

Righteous or Unrighteous?

2011-02-16T07:12:00.003-05:00

Today, as I thoroughly enjoyed my walk to the school, I pondered quite a few things, as I often do on my walk. Sometimes I pray for people like Hammy, Jimmer, sick pete, mg, cdubs, pastor, beary, and the like. But today, I simply reveled in the fact that God loves me. As I watched the snow melting away, I could see the dirt and garbage left behind throughout my walk. I think of how God melts away our dirt and our garbage. How he longs to be in relationship with us, and how he cleanses our sins from existence. As the sun rose, I couldn't help but think of the verse I read this morning in Matthew 5:45 -

"...that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes the sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous."

I pondered if Jesus was walking with me, which of the above categories would HE put me in? I'm pretty sure the unrighteous one at times. But yet he still walks with me and leads my steps. He brings the heat of the sun to warm the earth to provide food for us all. The birds sing out longing for spring to burst forth. People like the hispanic woman tugging her cart full of bottles and cans (just clap your hands) hustle and bustle to survive in this grinding city. I smiled as I was challenged again today by pastor, even though he is on the other side of the earth. He set a goal for himself to 'touch' someone in need each day as he lives in this city. I, too, have been challenged this week to do the same. Seems odd to pray for people that you help, even if you never learn their name, but it certainly makes the sunshine brighter each time I give to someone in need with a smile, a swipe of my metro card, directions, food to eat, advice in a difficult situation, or the like. Today the sun shines bright on my world, and for that I am thankful.

My lover, my friend, my superstar.

2011-02-14T09:06:00.003-05:00

Valentine's Day 2011 (pronounced twenty - eleven. Come on people, enough of the two thousand bit. Who said 'One thousand, nine hundred' in the last century - NO ONE.). I am not sure I understand this whole thing going on here. If you look at St. Valentine, he died as a martyr because he wouldn't give in to pagan society. So, tell me how we get to flowers, candy, and hearts? Not really a clear connection for me. A lot of people in history were referred to as "Valentines" if they also martyred themselves for Christianity sake. So I guess I want to be a valentine then, and superstar is the perfect intimate mate for me. Her beaty continues to amaze me each day. Why does God provide me with such a beautiful woman? Not just pretty, but beautiful. If you really want to know, SMOKING HOT. That's how I would describe her. There are moments (PG MOMENT OF THE POST) where I wish the kids were not at home because there are times where I catch a glimpse of her, touch her skin, or see her unbelieveable eyes and want to get intimate immediately if you know what I'm sayin. Because I'm just sayin. But it is more than sexual attraction. It is her spirit of serving and love and care for others before herself that makes her even more attractive to me.
I get an email on leadership each day, and there were some quotes from Booker T. Washington in today's and one of his on service pointed me directly to my superstar:

"The longer I live and the more experience I have of the world, the more I am convinced that, after all, the one thing that is most worth living for—and dying for, if need be—is the opportunity of making someone else more happy and more useful."

This is what my lover, my friend, and my superstar does each day. For me. For our children. For our friends, family, and neighbors. And I am madly in love with her. It has been just over 18 years that we have been 'an item', and my love for her is so deep, I could never get out of it. I mean, would you look at her? God's beauty.

I miss summer

2011-02-12T14:36:00.002-05:00

This week we had an "I miss summer" party at the casa bel grande. And the title continues to haunt me this week as I feel a case of the Mondays regularly in February. At least the sun is coming up earlier and staying up later. Life is hard. There are so many things that get in the way of experiencing joy each day. I listened to a message from Rob Bell this week, and it has helped me to focus in on some joy that I haven't been paying attention to. He was speaking about Ecclesiastes and how 'it is all meaningless'. Sometimes in February that's what life feels like - like it is all meaningless. But Bell spoke of the phrase "eat, drink, and be merry" that pervades the book. So each day, I have enjoyed my food more. Enjoyed my drink more. I have really tried to spend more time enjoying the people that I work with, my neighbors, and my family. I have not been successful this week, for certain. I did not pay enough attention to my superstar this week when she was longing for me to pay attention to her, and for that I am sorry. But I have realized just how emotionally draining it can be for me to really pay attention to pouring into others. I am tired at the end of each day of engaging emotionally to try to help others experience the joy in daily life. So tonight I have a date with my superstar, and that is joy to the maximum. I love you superstar. Even when I don't display it in my words and actions.

Just a Drunk

2011-02-05T13:48:00.003-05:00

I have to say that my emotions ran strong yesterday as I experienced some ups and downs during the day. Most often, as a person that thinks more than feels, I don't tend to emotionally involve myself in great fashion throughout my days. Not always true, but typically. But as I left school on Friday and made my way to the subway (which is actually an "El" where I catch it, yet everyone still calls it the subway even though it is not sub in any way shape or form unless you mean sub to the sky) I pumped some of my kexp podcast and was completely engaged in the incredible music they play. As I crossed Ocean Parkway, I noticed a man laying on the snow pile at the corner and a woman in a wheelchair leaning over to help him. I took my ear buds out and realized the woman in the wheelchair was trying to help him up. It appeared he had fallen on the ice and dropped his groceries, and he didn't appear to be well. The woman said "I think he is intoxicated." As we tried to engage him in conversation, it was apparent he was indeed intoxicated. He was not responsive to our questions. A woman at the corner on her cell phone said she called 911 like 10 minutes ago and was looking for the ambulance they had sent. Squatting down, I tried to engage with the man, realized he had a 'boot' on, the kind you wear after surgery on your foot. He had a hospital wristband on that said he was admitted to a hospital 6 days earlier and his name was Jacek. Even calling his name, he did not respond. The woman in the wheelchair left and another woman stopped to help. She called 911 also, and as we tried to engage with him, I prayed that he would be ok. His eyes were foggy, he seemed to not even be aware of the world around him. At one point, I said his name and asked him if he was ok. He looked at me with his steel blue eyes, and couldn't seem to focus in on me. A jewish man who said he was an EMT stopped, and tried to engage Jacek. He checked his pulse, etc., and called someone on the phone while checking the man. The ambulance arrived, and a young man got out, walked up and said 'what happened'. We explained we found him there and thought he was intoxicated. "Great" he said. And walked back to the ambulance and called someone on the radio. The woman in the ambulance got out and asked him what they had. "Just a drunk" he said. The words hurt me, if not Jacek that probably did not hear it and will never remember it. He and the woman in the ambulance came over and tried to engage Jacek. "GET UP" "LET'S GO" "COME ON" "I know this guy, I've seen him before" said the man. They jerked him up and the man told him "WALK", but his legs didn't work. "Put him back down" The got the stretcher by slamming it around, and as they literally threw him onto the stretcher thingy, he asked me to hold it, and I mean they threw him. His hat covered his head, and they made no move to fix it. The man roughly strapped Jacek into the stretcher. I fixed his hat, and he looked at me. I told him he was going to be ok. That people would help him. The ambulance man said "must be nice to just sit around and get drunk all day. now I am going to have to spend an hour cleaning this up." I was hurt so much. Here lies this man. Maybe he struggles with alcohol. But what is his story? Is he on medication for the foot injury? Does he have a family? Is there anyone that cares for him? Why is he drinking early afternoon? He was maybe early 60's. What has his life looked like up until now? Is he drinking to numb the pain of his life. I looked at ambulance man and said "He's still a human being." Guy says 'yeah, and when some drunk runs a red light and hits you and I have to pick you up of the sidewalk all bloody, what does that make you?' I say "makes me a human being also." I look at Jacek and tell him it's going to be ok. I consider getting the ambulance guys name, supervisor, etc. If he is so bitter, and he is maybe late 20's, why does he keep doing this job? Isn't this a job of 'service'? I understand it may be difficult dealing with people that make poor decisions, believe me. But I wanted to shout at this guy - WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU IN THIS JOB FOR IF YOU ARE SO MISERABLE? I wanted to get in the ambulance and go with Jacek and show this man how to extend love and grace. But I didn't, honestly, I prayed that God would convict this man RIGHT THEN that he was not loving and evil.
Needless to say, I went on with my day in an emotional state. I told superstar about it when I arrived home. But on my way home as I prayed for Jacek, I did all I could to counteract the mean spirit of ambulance man. I bought flowers from Alberto from Mexico and had a conversation with him about living in Brooklyn. I bought the flowers to brighten superstar's day and table. I shared a smile with an african american man that engaged in eye contact with me as we walked. I stopped to push out a couple of young ladies that were caught up on a snow pile. I listened to a blue jay squak and thanked God for the beauty of the day. I tried to shine a bit of light on myself and on this city that tends to become grey as others around you don't shine their lights. I pray for Jacek today. That others will see him not just a drunk, but a man of infinite worth in the sight of the Lord, as he sees me - infinite worth.

Beyond Recognition

2011-02-03T17:43:00.003-05:00

A busy week. In GR last week, which was incredibly perfect timing as a booster shot of leadership training that filled my leadership tank that was running on LOW LOW LOW LOW> Apple bottom jeans....boots with the fur. But I digress. What a reminder that the relational capacity we own with the people we are entrusted to lead is the most powerful tool we have in our belt. If we don't build relationships with people, there is no opportunity for growth for them, nor for us. This plays out not only in work, but also in life. If I don't have the relational capacity to serve others in my neighborhood, they certainly will not be open to the gift of grace. Any who - While there, I had an opportunity to sit down with AD and ask some questions about my future as an employee. I have been wondering if I should be concerned with that, as many of you know, the positions I thought I was moving to NYC did not all workout as we had thought they might. That being said, I have certainly learned to trust God more daily, and even on the men's retreat, I felt like God convicted me that HE is my treasure, and HIS TRUST is what I should treasure. Again I say Any Who -AD has come to be someone that I respect and trust, and I don't know if I am overstepping my bounds in saying he is a friend of mine, but I certainly hope so. In our conversation, I got to hear about how he is doing with his responsibilities, how life is treating him, and enjoy some conversation of both work and non-work items, which I enjoyed. By the end of the conversation, he assured me that I am valued in our company. And that they feel that I can offer some positive things in whatever role I might be in. Not going to lie to you, I wasn't really sure on that, but I thought I was there. There is a possibility that I might work with the Aussie in the future, and work to develop the leadership components. If this is God's hand, I am blessed beyond recognition now and forever more. It is my hope this is his hand, and that he will open these doors, and never let them close. I trust him with my career. My life and my all. But secretly, I pray that this will be his will for me.

Are you still so dull?

2011-01-25T16:26:00.002-05:00

Are you prepared, because as I sit and know I have some things to blog about, I already know that this is going to be a LONG post. So grab a cup of coffee, a beer, snacks, your snuggie, and whatever you need to get comfortable. This is going to take a while. Or if you thought to yourself, 'self, I'm just going to check T$'s blog right quick because I have a minute', today is not that day. Go on, get your things and it'll be right here when you come back.

Ready now?

Onward then:

-First up for bids. I know if you read this that you have heard me talk of my mother's death. I do want to say that my father continues to teach me, even as I am a full grown (not in my maturiry) adult. I have been frightened to the bones and the corpuscles by the thought of losing my wife at any point in time. Save the thought of losing her after 40 some years of life together. I know by his own admission that he has had some tough days, and that is to be expected. But he continues to teach me about pushing on, even after tough things happen. He continues to teach me about joy and engagement with those you love. It is an honor to me to share his name and to be a man that demonstrates what he has done in my life, and I try to do that each day.

-I am continually encouraged by God in a variety of things that I am involved in. It has been a challenging year, but I have tried to push into what it is I am doing here in NYC, and what God wants me to do today. In all humility, I serve others in a leadership position. There have been times over the last couple of years where I have questioned God and myself on what I am doing. And just when I am saying to God - are you sure this is helping, or something like that, I get an email from one of my direct reports from last year that from henceforth thereunto will be knownst as "The Natural Disaster":

Just wanted to drop you a line and say wassup!! Through my grad work, I'm currently taking a course on management and leadership. In examining different leadership styles, and sharing stories/experiences with others in my class, it gave me the chance to reflect on how lucky I was to have worked so closely with you last year. As jealous as I am that you are no longer with us, I am eternally grateful to have been able to scoop up a few nuggets of knowledge that you dropped on us last year. Especially as I come to realize that not everyone gets the opportunity to work with someone like you.

Washington, Lincoln, Lombardi, Wooden, Kryzewski, Obama....Kelly II !!!!!

You must understand his sense of humor to completely understand the email, but his words really lifted me up, and I am eternally greatful that he took the time to send me these few words.

-Last weekend was the men's weekend on LBI, and I know that God has been prompting me to do something like this for at least a year, maybe two. The men that attended and engaged with God, the Holy Spirit, and each other really blew me away. The conversations that I had with men reminded me of the brokenness of this world and the simplicity of pouring into each other. It reminded me of the fact that powers and principalities in this world fight to tell us we deserve things that God does not treasure. It reminded me that men in this world do not have role models or conversations on their struggles or spend time caring about each others' gogdliness. I am so excited to see what God will do with the seeds that were planted, and I pray for the men to protect those seeds.

-I love my wife. She is beautiful and graceful and my world is complete because she 'rounds my edges'. I care so deeply for her, and yet I don't tell her enough. I wish that I could spend my days talking to her, and if you know me, you know how much I love to talk. (HA) I need to pay more attention to her in every day that I have.

-I am sucking at my goal of a date a month with each of my girls so far.

-I am blessed by people that God puts into my life. At work. In my neighborhood. On the plane. In the cab. On the train. On the phone. In my classes. The people that I come into contact with are gifts from God that enhance my lifetime. And I love them.

-Are you so dull? Do you still not understand? Life is a gift. Each day is a gift. I was reminded of that yet again today as I sat in a room of leaders pushing into themselves that each day counts. Each person counts. And we need to love them.

Treasure Hunting

2011-01-23T18:50:00.002-05:00

This weekend was a time to spend on LBI with other men, where we spent some great times 'Treasure Hunting'. Although you may be thinking in your feeble little mind about risk and danger and great sail boats and vixens and maps and all kinds of booty (yeah, I just said booty), that's not the kind of treasure we were hunting. In Matthew 6, Jesus talks about seeking treasure that is not destroyed by moth or rust, and laying up treasures in heaven and not here in this kingdom. It was an incredible time to me to be with some of the men that continue to become my dearest friends and encourage me to seek His treasure. LBI is much different in January temperature wise, but still just as beautiful as ever to spend time on. Props to the ben-was for allowing us to use the beach house for a place to escape the city and press into some tough issues.
Thanks to the pastor and kallen for all their work in preparation of helping guide each other and the men that spent the weekend trying to understand what God's treasure is in their lives. There were a lot of laughs (Brian Regan and simple man stupidity always put laughter at a forefront), lots of delicious food, lots of great discussions, great times playing fun games, and quite a few tears. I was challenged to look at what I treasure, and that doesn't always add up to what God wants me to treasure. As I spent time really just trying to hear what God's treasure is for me, I felt like He was telling me "Trust is my treasure for you." I have been so challenged to trust God with more and more and more areas of my life, and there is one big area where I am currently struggling. It pains me to find myself at the end of my own treasure map and realize that I am not listening to His treasures, but seeking my own. This weekend challenged me to continue to seek His treasure, and do that each day, each hour, each minute.
I treasured this weekend with men, and I am thankful that God put it on my heart to organize this weekend and spend time seeking His will for the men that attended. My mind is scattered tonight as I unpack for this and pack for that, and leave again tomorrow to GR and more work. I am thankful for other men that seek His treasure. I am thankful that His word guides us to the treasure He desires. I hope to be able to continue seeking His treasure and help others to see His treasure.

Perspective on Perspectives

2011-01-19T10:54:00.002-05:00

Today I am emboldened by the perspecitve reminder that I get from pastor here. It is just a reminder to me that we are running a race, and it takes 'home training' to win at this race. Along the course are obstacles and hurdles. Some of them jump up and grab you and throw you to the ground. But we must get up. Continue. Strive to win the race before us.
This weekend, 12 brave men will journey to LBI, where the photo on this blog heading was taken. I think I might need warmer clothes than there are in the picture. My perspecive on these men continues to evolve as I push forward. I 'treasure' this weekend as a time to push into following the course of this race we are running. If you had told me five years ago that I would be living in NYC, starting a church, and leading a men's retreat on the island, I may have laughed at you. Now, I am honored and humbled to be in His presence. Pray for these men this weekend as we push into the treasure chest and see what we find.......

It is Finished.

2011-01-08T14:46:00.002-05:00

This simple phrase 'it is finished' continues to come to me in my quiet time regularly as of late. Sometimes, I feel like God gives me a phrase like this to teach me something, and this one has certainly been going on for a while in the stretch of many months. Today I think I figured out what exactly God has been trying to teach me through this phrase.
My last post mentioned Moons over my Hammy, and today I got to spend some time with him in his home talking about life, the loss of his mother, his children, eternity, and a few other things. (Pretty light, right?) The refreshed thinking of losing a parent, in particular your mother, was not what I would call easy, but it was an enjoyable conversation with someone I consider to be one of my best friends. Even though we live 650 some miles away, I came to the realization of how much love I have for this man that I have really engaged in life with over the last ten years (I am counting having his older daughter in my school when I was an AP). At the end of our conversation, we stood in his kitchen and talked about how much it sucked to lose your mom. That was hard enough, but then he put his arm around me and said something to the effect of 'I really miss you'. It was at that moment I came to the realization of how much love I have for him, and just how much I miss his freindship - and that I might miss him more than he misses me. As we hugged, I wept quietly as I leaned my head on his shoulder. Even now as I sit and write this, my eyes are full and emotions overwhelm me.
All this story to lead up to the quiet time I have now as I sit on the Ridge Ranch. Sitting waiting for God to lead me in my prayer of listening. As 'it is finished' again comes to me, I had a vision. I saw the pain and suffering of losing my mom anew. But it was different. I have almost felt odd that the grief has not appeared to be hard for me. I feel like I have had complete acceptance of my mom's death, even her battle that I suspected from the onset would be quick. The difference in the vision was that I was standing on a beautiful green plateau looking back. Behind me was a huge canyon that I couldn't even see the bottom of, but I knew it was my the canyon of my mom's death. All the pain was down in that canyon. All the unknown answers were down there, and I didn't even need to go back and look to see what they were. All I had to do was to keep facing forward to enjoy the beautiful green, vibrant, living plateau that I was on - and I had a sense that God simply lifted me over the canyon and told me that I didn't need to go back to the canyon. That 'it was finished'. In my vision, as I looked back, I was smiling. I turned and saw the green. And I smiled.

Brother from another mother.

2011-01-05T16:26:00.002-05:00

Today I got a call from my dear friend that I truly miss, and have become even more fond of our friendship since moving here to BKLY. Last night, his mother completed her battle with cancer which lasted a long time. I truly didn't believe that his mom would outlive mine, but I am glad that he got to spend time with her and that he had such a great mother like I did. When he called me today, it was hard to not be overwhelmed with emotions and I knew it was coming soon. I have been praying for him and his mother daily (almost) for months. The fact remains that we are all going to end up in a cemetary, or in an urn, or some other form of culturally relevant end of life ritual. So in praying for my friend hammy today, God reminded me of some verses he clearly gave to me the week my mom died as I sat in her room reading the bible and being with my brother and my dad and my mom as she finished her battle:

Isaiah 30:19-
19 People of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. 20 Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. 21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” 22 Then you will desecrate your idols overlaid with silver and your images covered with gold; you will throw them away like a menstrual cloth and say to them, “Away with you!”

23 He will also send you rain for the seed you sow in the ground, and the food that comes from the land will be rich and plentiful. In that day your cattle will graze in broad meadows. 24 The oxen and donkeys that work the soil will eat fodder and mash, spread out with fork and shovel. 25 In the day of great slaughter, when the towers fall, streams of water will flow on every high mountain and every lofty hill. 26 The moon will shine like the sun, and the sunlight will be seven times brighter, like the light of seven full days, when the LORD binds up the bruises of his people and heals the wounds he inflicted.

I hope the 'menstrual cloth' part makes you laugh like it did my brother and I, but even more I hope the verses that hit me like a ton of love bricks hit you in the same fashion. The love God has for me pound me in the eyes each time I read this passage. He takes my tears. He is gracious to me. He answers as soon as he hears me. Even when I am going the wrong way, he stands behind me and points me in the right direction. He pours rain on my mustard seeds, he feeds me arich and aplenty. He surrounds me with love in all that I get to experience, and he heals my every wound. I pray for all the same love to pound hammy in the eyes this week and forever more.

A new year. A new You.

2011-01-02T18:07:00.002-05:00

2010 is down the tubes as far as everyone is concerned. Over Rover. It's the end, friend. Already two days into 2011. Hard to believe that is the year - 20 11. Twenty eleven. (Let's stop with the two thousand thing already.) Last year brought much humility to me again as I continue to try my best to 'follow' as Jesus has asked me to do. I have come to the foregone conclusion that doing so is certainly hard to do - challenging, disruptive, even painful at times, difficult, includes suffering, and at times makes you think you just might have lost your mind, or you are about to because the world likes to punch you in the face - or worse, in other parts of your body. As I went for a run today in the park, (yes, it was at least 49 degrees here today, and running with snow surrounding you is quite a joy) I was encouraged by the words God gave me as I ran. Often, running is a time for me to spend in prayer and listen to God, and today here are the things I heard: A New year. A new you. New grace. New work. New friends. New interests. New places. New people. New. New small group. New neighbors. New school. New challenges. New interests. New love.
New almost doesn't even seem like a word anymore, does it? We talked about new beginnings at communitas today, and pastor rocked it out with a task of filling in the timeline of your life. Psalms 90 says 80 years, if we have the strength. I am past half way. looking at Alli and Liv's, they didn't need to fill in much. But the way we did it, one inch = one year. So if we are truly following Jesus, what will we choose to put in the white space? What will we do with this year? What will we do with our lives? I had the opportunity to have a conversation with a family member whilst I was in Michigan, and this is someone I have always looked up to. We enjoyed a beverage and a deep conversation on religion, life, the bible, Jesus, church, family, and the like. What an honor it was for me to spend time talking about what we value as important, and the track God has him on right now. Looking back at Twenty Ten, I see what I chose to fill in my inch of white space with. Some great things. Some stupid idiotic choices. Some experiences and opportunities I NEVER thought would happen in my life. And each of those things were because I choose to follow Jesus. He put me in places I never thought I would be, and certainly in places I did NOT want to be. But I trust Him more today than ever. So my white spaces will include the following this year:
-Time to journal each day and read the bible
-A date with each of the k girls each month
-Seeing the world with new eyes in all that I do
-Trusting God with the areas of my life I struggle
-Seeking the counsel of other men
-Doing my best to pour into others before pouring into me

So for Twenty Twelve, I hope to look back at Twenty Eleven and say to my self "Self, you did what you said you would. Now let's look at the next inch of white space and see what we can do with it. Jesus, help me to see what you want in my white space. Please."

This is Jesus.

2010-12-26T11:27:00.003-05:00

This is Jesus.
Be with me.
Trust.
In all His wisdom.
Splendor and Majesty.
Jesus.
Listen.
King.
What is a king? Who is your king?
Jesus.
Jesus.
Listen.
Will you listen?
Always and Forever.
Will you listen?
With me.
To the Lord.
Jesus.
Listen.
King.
What is this?
It is my kingdom.
What do you see? With my eyes?
Listen.
Jesus.
King.
Sold for a price.
Bartered for your life.
Jesus.
King.
Listen

The length of our days.

2010-12-23T09:33:00.002-05:00

Today brings much joy in that after school today, we are officially on Christmas break. It has been a challenging fall as you may well know. But God continues to strengthen me. It is amazing that we are 'so dull' as Jesus asked his disciples while they actually lived with him in community and proximity and experienced his humility in person leading up to his ultimate sacrifice: "Are you so dull?" "Do you still not understand?" When I spend time reading the Word, when I ask God for forgiveness, when I ask the Holy Spirit to guide my steps, the light shines on my path. It opens my eyes to the path I should go down as opposed to the path I want to go down. Just as it says in Acts 14:

'...strengthening the disciples and encouraging them to remain true to the faith. "We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God," they said."

It is hard to go down the well lit path. It is counter cultural - just like Jesus' teaching in His day. It is antidisestablishmentarianism at its finest. (Yes, the longest word in English. BLAM. That just happened in my blog.) But I ask God to continue to light my path, and keep me from going down the dark trails I have spent time on in the past. Because (Psalm 90):

"The length of our days is seventy years - or eighty, if we have the strength; yet their span is but trouble and sorrow, for they quickly pass, and we fly away."

As Christmas is upon me this year, I reflect on the fact that my mommy flew away this year. One would think that this would be a sentence that brings sadness to mind, but yet, I am strengthened that she now is in heaven with her maker. She no longer has to experience the trouble and sorrow, the hardships. Jesus came so that this would happen - the world would see the sacrifice and respond to their maker. Thank you God for loving us so much I pray that the length of your days is many, and that you have the strength to enjoy each day as it quickly passes. And that this Christmas, you will experience the complete joy of knowing that Jesus came, was born in human flesh, lived among us, suffered and died so that our sins would be forgiven, and rose again to give us all new life that lasts eternal.

People Care About You.

2010-12-22T09:59:00.002-05:00

This is a message that came to me today as I walked up the flights and flights of stairs. At the school, I am located on the 4th floor. I never use the elevator, I always walk the stairs (although it was challenging today after so dang many squats in my workout yesterday), and as of late, I have been 'running' the stairs. Not the andrews way of running as if I were practicing for the run up the empire state building, but quickly taking each step instead of the slow walk. But I digress.
The teachers gave me a gift card to starbucks, complete with my new middle name/nickname that 'blast off' gave me. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. Starbucks. Joy overwhelms me in the fact that a - they know me; b - the card said 'thank you for keepin' it REAL'; c - people get you gifts because they are thankful (i.e. - I am making a difference); and d - I get to enjoy starbucks.

But that's not even what this post is about. If I had a ritalin salt lick today, I might just sit next to it all day. Last night I got a call from el kittens, and it was exactly what I needed to hear - it was encouraging, non-threatening, yet at the same time pushed my thinking and challenged me on a few things that I needed to be challenged on. Although I was physically and emotionally exhausted (thanks @rocknthemike and superstar for still loving me), I knew when I hung up the phone that I need to be focused on doing the right thing, and doing it the right way. Today I had the confidence to say the things I needed to say in love and let the words work, not my emotions. If I hadn't gotten the call from el kittens, and if I didn't know that she cares about me, I would not have had the courage to do what I needed to do today, and say what I needed to say today. People care about me. And that is the difference between living life to the full, and sitting in your comfortable bubble.

Correlations galore: Jesus cares about me. (Oh yeah, and about you too) And if I know that Jesus cares about me, I 'can do all things through Him', 'nothing is impossible', and 'He will strengthen me'. Today I praise Him for opening my eyes, and allowing the scales to fall off (AGAIN. CAPITAL DUH) so that I might have a glimpse into what love is and how to experience His love anew. Thanks el kittens.

Creatively Selective

2010-12-16T10:24:00.002-05:00

This fall has been a challenge to me, I'm not going to lie. Working in a new position that I was so very excited about has turned into challenges I did not expect, and more difficult than I envisioned the work being. Losing your mother doesn't seem to be a pleasant experience to me thus far, either. Living in a city that I have grown to love also wears on your spirit in so many ways. The 'grind' never had this meaning as I lived in MI, my guess is that that term was developed here in nyc, as this city does tend to grind on you. This is not a negative nelly post, but reality. Working in a school that was at one point identified as the one that I might open in a quite challenging environment is not necessarily my idea of joy to my spirit.
But this is what I have learned this week -----AGAIN. (Insert Capital Duh.) Life sucks. There are 'powers and principalities' in control of this world that we live in, and that blows also. Evil has crept into the crevices of our society, and they seem to at times invade the human spirit. In attempting to be humble and demonstrate humility recently, I have also come to the realization that when you do that people will poop on you. (Sometimes literally) Christianity and Spirituality has become in our society what I am going to entitle 'Creatively Selective'. We try to fit God into our consumeristic boxes (insert Christmas reference here-beautifully wrapped packages, with bows that are perfect, glittery wrapping paper, and just what we want in the box), and of course we are disappointed when that box opens, and it is a terd. (Right rocknthemike?) OK T$, make your point. This week Jesus continues to rescue me from myself and my creatively selective idea of what life should be like. Why does He do this for me? Because I engage with Him daily. I surrender the fact that "I can't do this". This has been my prayer this week, and He continues to rescue me in response to my prayer. He sends loving people into my life - superstar, the aussie, pastors, my villager, and most importantly His Word.

Psalm 77:
"I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted. I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit fell faint."
..."I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds."

This is the God I believe in. The one who continues to redeem me in my stupidity. The one that loves me so much, I fall down on my knees and beg Him to help me. Today. Tomorrow. Always. I beg you God, to capture my creatively selective thoughts, and fill me with your Love. Your Truth. Your Heart. That I might burst with the Light of the World. For everyone to see You, the Maker of the Earth and 'all that is good'. Praise you. Amen

My daughter is amazing.

2010-12-11T23:42:00.003-05:00

It's really not just my daughter. All three of the kelly girls are pretty much amazing to me. Superstar helped with the pta holiday bazaar today at Liv's school. As I walked in, there were literally at least 100 people milling about, enjoying each other, buying some things for christmas, or not, and it was a great time to just chill and see some of the kids' friends' parents. If I can write it like that. It was fabulous. Superstar worked very hard to provide not just a fun day and community building, but to serve others before herself. And Alli's dance studio was there to perform some selections for the crowd. Out of the 9 people that are in her junior dance company, she was the only one to show up. When the studio head asked her about being the only one, and if alli would be ok dancing by herself - her answer: 'sure'.

She is such a beautiful young lady. I am so proud of her, and watching her dance today was beautiful. She is a special person in my eyes, and I know in the eyes of God. Enjoy the video.

Humility Unleashed

2010-12-08T08:44:00.002-05:00

Humility is, in my opinion, one of the hardest things to live out and demonstrate in your daily life. It means you make yourself nothing. You lower yourself to a position where every single other person in the world is more important than you. It is so hard for me to be humble and to live out humility. But here's the rub. It's not hard for me with people that demonstrate gratitude. It's not hard for me with people that are appreciative, or thank you for your humility. It's hard for me when people are completely oblivious to you providing an act of humility for them. Which is really quite stupid on my part. Because humility doesn't mean that the other person(s) notices or is thankful. When Jesus was nailed to the cross and took my afflictions and my sin upon himself (by the by, he took yours and everyone else's as well), he wasn't ticked off with me that I didn't appreciate it. He still loved me and sought me out. That's where my current struggle lies, is if someone lives out humility to serve me - I am encouraged and immediately want to serve them in some capacity. So why do I get so angry with people that appear to be so unintelligent (liv doesn't like when I call people stupid) and expect things to be provided for them?

Happy Blogiversary ..... To the GROUND!

2010-12-04T16:26:00.002-05:00

It is really wild to me to think that I started this blog three years ago (yesterday - get off my back man, I was too busy yesterday goign to bed early to write anything!) Three years ago, I really felt like God was calling me to do something BIG. And I didn't really know what that really meant, or what was really going to happen with it all. But I have learned the last three years that God calls me to trust in him today. Even on my blogiversary. Today I sit in my apartment in Brooklyn, NY. I have left friends and family and great people back in Michigan. I look out and watch the planes headed to LaGuardia. I read the New York Times on the weekends. I go to work on the subway. I take the Brooklyn Bridge when I go to our gatherings on Sunday. I get to meet with pastor on a regular basis, and we do it in places like the new park overlooking lower Manhattan, the Pig'n Whistle Bar, Times Square, the Gemini Diner, Prospect Park, Central Park, UWS, along the East River, or at the ocean, you know, kind of like the sticks of Romeo.
I know that I have grown spiritually over the last three years. And I approach a time where I am still uncertain of what will happen for the kkft tomorrow, next month, or next year. I am uncertain (yet again) what will come of my current work situation. I don't know what God is calling us to do in our church for the future. I am not clear on which relationships I need to develop, and what people to engage more deeply with. But I am certain that God loves me and will help me to know those things today, tomorrow, and always. This week, I am going to go back and read what I have learned the last three years. And remind myself of just how good God is to all of us.

Listen to Me, I'm talking.

2010-12-01T12:41:00.002-05:00

It is sometimes a challenge to listen to the world around you. Why? Because you are focused on your selfish little world. Yesterday, I took some time to just sit and listen to God while I was on the train, and leading up to a planning meeting I attended. God really just spoke to me, and it seems simple. Sit down. Shut up. Listen. Those are very simple simon easy weasy. And yet, we idiots - I mean humans - don't take the time to do that.
Here are the questions that I heard:

Where is your treasure?
Where is your heart?
Do they match?
What are you looking at?
What do you see?
Who is your master?
Where is your worry?
How can you be made salty again? What do you need to accomplish that?
Do others see your light shining?

Tough questions to listen to. Even tougher answers to wrestle with. So today, I strive to figure out the answers to these questions. And my selfish broken human condition continues to get in the way of my answers and my thinking. Last week, I had a vision. Not sure if it was an actual Godly vision or not. But I did see myself cast in stone - my entire body surrounded by a coating of stone. And I had a hammer. And I wasn't sure if I wanted to break the stone or not. But God broke it with His hammer. And the me without stone surrounding his whole body walked on. I feel like I am in a place right now where I am pushing through some difficult challenging issues in my life. And for some reason, the stone continues to surround me, even if I grab the hammer and smash the stone. It reappears around me. Sometimes I don't want to break it. Sometimes I smash it to bits and smash and smash and destroy it and break it apart and weep because I am so involved in breaking the stone. And I go on with my life and realize the stone is still there.

The illusion of time.

2010-11-26T14:00:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow, it will be 41 years of life for T$, and there have been many days and events that certainly could have led to my death. God for some reason continues to provide me with the breath of life, and in the era of Thanksgiving, I am thankful that God continues to bless me. Time off of work comes when I really need it, and I am thankful that I get to work with some great people. This week, I really feel as if God opened my eyes to enjoying the moment at work. I am really trying to engage with staff members, and it is making each day more enjoyable. In my struggles with some challenging situations in my work world, there are four people that I really am extra grateful. One is pastor. I am thankful that he chooses to pour time into my and my spiritual well being. He doesn't have to do that, but he chooses to. There are certainly others that have a greater need, but he spends time with me to be sure that I am challenging myself and that my soul is in the right place. Thank you #1. Another is the aussie. I don't know that I have ever worked with anyone that would take the time to pray at work, during a task, etc., on such a regular basis. Because of his willingness to do that, I find myself now being this bold. Watching and listening to his walk with Christ in his own life inspires me to follow Jesus with more ferver. Thank you #2. A third member of the T$ coalition for Christ is rockinthemic. My new found borriqua friend that has a sense of humor much like mine. I left many good friends in MI when we moved, but God (I am certain) put rockinthemic in my life so I could find joy in all things. He listens to me, he makes me laugh every time we spend time together, and he invents his own new dance crazes regularly at 3am on the streets of Brooklyn. Lastly, superstar loves me, even when I come home stressed, angry, upset, or detached from life. Her simple touch and loving gaze brings me to today and lifts me up when I'm down. Thanks to all 4 specialists in my life.

This being the first Thanksgiving without my mother has been easier for me than I anticipated. There have been moments of grief without her, but I again know that God is always with me, and I am certain that those that are praying the holidays will be filled with comfort and peace is being heard by my Lord, and his angels are providing me with a peace that is incomprehensible. Happy Thanksgiving to all, and thank you Jesus for bringing me the love of our Father in heaven. Praising the time we all have on this earth. Amen.

Birthday for a Superstar

2010-11-16T21:49:00.002-05:00

Even though I am not with my superstar for her bday today, her life has been on the tip of my heart all day today. She is the jewel in my crown that God has put into my life forever. I have loved her since before we ever even dated, and I knew then that she was something special. Little did I know just how special she would become to me. My life has changed since engaging in the power of relationship with my superstar. My life has done absolutely nothing but improve since the day she put her hand on my leg at Four Green Fields so many years ago. I would not be half the man I am today if it weren't for my superstar. Probably not even a quarter if we are being real about it. She challenges me. She inspires me. She loves me when I don't deserve it. SHe serves me each and every day. Did I mention that she is absolutely HOT and gets HOTTER every day? Moving to Brooklyn has given us an opportunity (at least in my thoughts) to become closer than we ever have been before. She listens to me more than ever. She blows me away with her beauty, her poise, and her commitment to following our Lord. God has a jewell for my crown. And she is a superstar.

A new normal

2010-11-14T08:40:00.003-05:00

I mentioned in the last post that I am experiencing a 'new normal', and I find it quite interesting that in some discussion with pastor, that he passed on a podcast that I so needed to hear. I have been wrestling with some issues at work. Some painful. Some questions that I can't answer. Some issues that are complex and conflicting that don't make a lot of sense to me. I am fully aware that 'I do not work for men, but for God.' This phrase from the bible has been so helpful to me as this year continues to unfold. As I traveled to Michigan to be with my dad, more issues with work unfolded. And I was livid. Felt attacked. Did not feel as if though I was being heard. And I wanted to strike back as I felt my character, commitment, and work ethic were all being put into question. Hurts donut.
Onto the podcast - if you don't know who Greg Boyd is, you need to start listening, reading, something with his words and insight into our Creator. He continues to challenge me every time I push into his work. He pointed out that we go to God and ask Him to comfort us when we are afflicted. So true. But further, he challenges us to ask Him to afflict us when we are comfortable. This is a 'new normal' that is counterintuitive to this world. And that is what it must be like if we are to follow Jesus. This new normal confronts the normal of our world. It points out the ugliness in our lives. It pushes us to ask Jesus to never let us get too comfortable, to always stir us up, to turn us upside down, to question our own normal in His love. 1 Peter 2 talks about the 'unjust suffering' that Jesus experienced, and Romans 12 turns normal upside down by telling us to not be overcome with evil, but to overcome evil with good. (I am not insinuating that my work or workplace is evil, so chill out.) But when we feel this attack, Boyd says we put our PR department to work - we try to defend our character, we fight back 'oh yeah, well look at this, you blank, he did this, etc.' What we need to do (thanks Greg Boyd) is fire our PR department and trust God. Ask ourselves this question: "What is the LOVING thing to do?" If we claim to be following Jesus, that is how we should react. Look at how Jesus reacted when he was brought before Pilate. He said nothing. He could have made some unbelieveable, incredible arguments to fight the charges brought against him. But he sat silent. He didn't argue about the pettiness of the charges in this world, and neither should we.
So I am going to trust God, and remain silent. I am going to get my worth from Him who created me and gives me all of my worth. My worth doesn't come from accusations in my work, but from my Lord and God and Savior. All of my life, my worth, and my significance comes from Him, He defines me. I ask that God frees me from my own PR department, and guides me in firing the whole department, and being obedient.

No Matter What

2010-11-13T09:12:00.002-05:00

Another challenging week. Another overwhelming sense that things are not right in this world today. I feel that I am handling and dealing with the death of my mother quite well, at least as well as a 'normal' person should be able to. The word normal doesn't seem the same to me anymore. Death happens each day in this world. But when it is someone that has a profound effect on your world, normal changes. This weekend, I get to spend some time with my dad and be at their house. Normal is not the same in this house now, and don't take this as being sad or negative, it is just different. The way life is different forever now, the way my sense of normal has changed, the way odd things will bring rushing memories of my mom, or simply remind me of the fact she is not with us anymore. As I sat on the upper west side last week watching a play with pastor and cramden, the character had cancer. Thoughts of my mom's cancer. The character needed to be helped to a couch to recline. Thoughs of aiding my mom walking to her chair. It can't be explained except saying it seems awkward to be thinking of those things to me. Just not what used to be normal.
But as pastor encouraged me this week, as he always does, I know that I have not been spending time journalling and following Psalm 46:10 - 'Be still and know that I am the Lord'. So I am now happy to report that I am back in the swing of daily time to shut my mouth, my brain, and my heart and ask Jesus to speak into my heart, my mind, and my life and guide me in all that I do. And the phrase "No Matter What" is what He gives me this week. This phrase is common vernacular in our world as far as I can put it. So many applications you can put it into most any context. But the context God gave me was in times that don't make sense. In challenging times. In times where I question what the heck He is doing to me in my life. The times where I feel like He isn't listening to me or hearing my cries. This week, directly from my journal that I (DUH.) have renewed time in - He asks me this question: "Will you trust me?" And my lame answer is: 'Of course I will trust you.' His question: "In all that you do?" Me: 'Of course.' God: "No matter what?" Me: (Silence)

No matter what. It seems comical to me that I happen to be reading Job this month. Job loved God 'no matter what'. So I have to question my own heart and ask myself - will I trust God and love Him NO MATTER WHAT? And my humble answer is - of course.

Superman Lives.

2010-11-06T21:24:00.002-04:00

I work for a charter school management organization. I believe in what we do. But this week, I got to see the movie Waiting for Superman. You don't have to work for charter schools to see it. And you really should see it. We know that our education system is not successful. We know what we need to do to fix it. And yet, people are not willing to stop the madness and fix the system so that children ALL get a quality education. Just go see it. Listen to the facts. Then respond to this question: "What am I going to do about it?" Superman lives. We don't need to wait for him anymore.

Gifts for All.

2010-11-03T08:19:00.002-04:00

I was certainly overwhelmed with the love and community of my broseph's friends throughout the passing of my mother. He lives outside of Phatlanta, and many of his friends and colleagues made the trek to MI to honor my brother and my mother in a difficult time. Here is a reflection that a chum shared with many that is certainly a gift to me, and hopefully to you:

Reflections
The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork .Psalm 19:1 (ESV)
Have you ever stood before a majestic sunset in total awe of its beauty? As you stood there were you mesmerized by the sheer magnitude if its hues?
I recently had the honor to attend a celebration of life for a dear friend’s mother who had gone to be with the Lord. This celebration was unlike any I had witnessed. Yes there was sadness in the loss of a mother, wife, mother in law, grandmother, sister and friend but the sadness was displaced by the glory of God. You see, this saint and her family loved Christ. The celebration centered on the love that Christ has for us. As each family member rose to pay tribute to their mother, the presence of Christ provided them with insights and revelations that Christ was living through her. Their tributes were in reality a tribute to the presence of Christ among us and in those who believe.

My dear friend shared the beauty of a sunset that occurred the day before his mother came into the presence of the Lord. The beauty and the magnificent sun set was brighter and more glorious that mere words can describe but don’t you know it was God’s way of saying there is a celebration to prepare for, one of my children is coming home. I share this thought because when my wife’s grandmother went to be with the Lord, that very day we experienced the most beautiful sunset we had ever seen. I have come to believe that every time we see a beautiful sunset its God’s way of telling us of His glory and celebration that one of His is home.

From the rising of the sun to its setting, the name of the LORD is to be praised! Psalm 113:3 (ESV)

When a loved one, a family member or friend is called home by the Lord pause and thank God that His glory was shown through his or her presence.

Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?" John 11:25-26 (ESV)

The next time you stand in the presence of a beautiful sunset or sunrise pause and give thanks, there is a saint in the presence of our Lord.

"Holy, holy, holy is the LORD of hosts; the whole earth is full of his glory!" Isaiah 6:3 (ESV)

That's my daddy.

2010-10-29T09:45:00.002-04:00

This last week certainly reminded me not only of the beauty of my mother, but the beauty of who my father is. I certainly would fight with anyone that is under the incorrect assumption that they have/had the best parents in the world because I win that argument every time. Sorry bout your luck.
Watching my father care for my mother in her final days was also a thing of beauty. He shared more stories with us this last week than I have heard from him in a long long time. I am just like my dad in that area. People may be confused on who I am - most would thing that I am an extrovert. But I'm not. I'm actually more of an introvert, and that continues to be enhanced as I get older. Anywho-my dad doesn't always go out of his way to speak to others. He is often quiet. I recall superstar wondering when we first started dating if our family ever talked. But the last week, he shared beautiful stories of he and mom, of their dating, of their early days, of all the times they spent together. He told us of the pact they made when they moved into the new house in the creek(crick) that they would never go to bed angry with each other. And I never recall them being angry with each other. Even when they were upset, they loved each other. He told us of the first time he saw her and what she was wearing. The time he forgot to pick her up for school and how mad she was. About how my mom told him 'he couldn't smother her'. About the poem "If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you it is yours, if it doesn't it never was." How mom gave him that a long time ago, and how he had to let her go because of who she is. But in his words "She always came back to me. No matter what." He told us of the day he shared the news with Grandpa Walsh. He told us of how she always served him. How she loved him. He told us of the marriage encounter experience and how they laughed so much that the other couples were mad about it. That joy was always present in their lives, and broseph, kt, and I are better people because of it. I couldn't even believe the eloquence he spoke with at the funeral when he described my mother. It was another one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced.
I love my daddy even more today than I ever have. He is a beautiful man. I hope that people might say that about me someday because if I can become half the man he is today, they will have to say that.

By far the most beautiful.

2010-10-27T19:26:00.002-04:00

It has been a week since the death of my mother. A week ago right now, I was going on 14 minutes of sleep knowing that my mom had made her transition to heaven. That day brought many emotions for certain. A lot of sadness and grief knowing that she was gone from this world. Sadness in knowing that I would never again hear the sweet sound of my mother's voice calling my name from somewhere off in the distance. Knowing that my children would no longer run from here to there shouting "GRANDMA!" as I have so many times seen them do with such joy in their hearts. Knowing that I would never again on this earth see Hon and Hon holding each other. Kissing. Making each other laugh. This doesn't seem like a moment to speak about the beauty of life, yet I can only find myself focusing the last few days on just that - the beauty of life. I can say with some certainty that I did experience one (if not the) of the most beautiful things I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing. Two weeks ago tomorrow, my dad called and said that hospice was coming to set up and serve my mom. This was only a short 4 months after being diagnosed with cancer. Hard to take. What to do. We went. So glad we did. Just over a week in MI, and each day brought more beauty into my heart, my mind, and my soul. Broseph and I worked out a system. I ran the night shift until 3 or 4, he ran the early morning shift. These moments were filled with so many beautiful things. Serving my mother in new ways that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy, save perhaps my closest friends. Because I would want them to see the beauty I saw. Listening to my father tell and retell beautiful stories of their romance in the early days. Singing praise songs in the middle of the night. Playing the guitar quietly to bring some sense of calm into this storm that happened. And kept happening. Understanding the process of death amidst the beauty of family and friends stopping in to say how much she meant to them. Praying to Jesus to take her quickly and relieve her pain and suffering. Seeing the look in my mom's eyes, even when she couldn't communicate verbally. That look in her eye that screamed "I LOVE YOU". Her motioning to you by putting her head closer to your shoulder or hand or your head. Watching her sleep peacefully for minutes that turned into hours. Cleaning her face, her eyes, her mouth, and her body. Placing a cold washcloth on her head to cool her temperature like she would do when we were children. Loving her with a rub of her back. Her arm. Her incredibly soft skin. (I think it was my dad that mentioned her skin was that soft because of how many things she did for us, how many plates she washed, loads of laundry, all the work to serve all of us.) Knowing that she understood everything that was going on throughout the week. Seeing her beautiful head nod when you offered to help her, clean her, ask her questions. It was all so beautiful.
And then there is my dad. I think I will have to post again on the things that he did and said last week. They are beauty in and of themselves.
Now comes the beauty night that I hope to never forget. The kkft was to all fly back to NY Tuesday. I wasn't even sure what to do. Stay. Go. ? I never felt like God clearly told me what to do, I just felt like staying was the right thing to do. I even explored leave options at work. So I put them on a plane and I stay. More beauty that night. When I get back, the boys had gotten mom to lay on her back for the first time really all week. See, she loved to sleep on her stomach. But on her back, she seemed much more calm. The morphine doses had doubled. The time in between doses cut in half. But on her back, she lied calmly. My shift went on for hours without need of morphine or ativan to calm her. She did sound more raspy, and you could hear the build up. But then that stopped into the night. She began to pant in her breathing. But she wasn't in pain. Just panting quickly. Lying there, broseph and mattsy fall asleep on the bed surrounding her that night. I prayed each night so long. It was beautiful. Then my shift was over. I went to lay down maybe 3:15 am or so. Probably more like 3:30. Mattsy comes in and says 'her breathing is slowing down, you probably want to come in there.' So I do. 3:38 am. Dad is saying beautiful things to her. Her breathing is calm. Serene. Like the calm waves of the ocean just barely pouring onto the beach. Calmly. Restfully. No pain evident. No struggle for comfort. No anxiety or angst at all. Just calm breathing. And it slowed. More time in between breaths. More beautiful things said in her ears. My brother swears when they moved her onto her back that she opened her eyes wide, stared and looked out the window, and he thinks she saw the lights of heaven and she knew it was time. More calmness in her breaths. Beautiful peaceful calm breaths. Like a movie scene that is perfect in every way. She breaths in comfort. No more disease. Just the most beautiful breathing. That gets slower. More time in between. 3:45 am, she takes her last one. And it was by far the most beautiful thing I have experienced. The love I have for that woman is inexplicable. The fact that I got to be there and see that beauty in person is something that I will cherish forever more.

Always with you.

2010-10-22T10:19:00.003-04:00

This has been the hardest week of my life. And also the sweetest. So many emotions that it is difficult and challenging for me to wrap my head around what is happening at this point. There have been points of almost surreality, yes, I can say that word. There have been other points of spiritual clarity. Other points of overwhelming sorrow and grief. Watching your mother die is hard to do. But the hope I have in Jesus and knowing my mother is in heaven with Him forever is more comfort than words will ever explain. I am certain I will have so many things to blog about, but for today, this is all I can tell you. Yesterday as I ran, I felt like she spoke to me, and told me that she will always be with my dad. I had a vision of her sitting on the lap of Jesus with her beautiful little smirk. And then Jesus reminded me that He will always be with my dad also. And with me. It is an honor to share in the joy of who my mother was, and to celebrate the blessings she has brought to so many lives.

Sharon Maureen Kelly

Date:
May 28, 1949 - October 20, 2010

Obituary:
Sharon Maureen (Walsh) Kelly

61, of Wales Township, born May 28, 1949, died with grace and peace in her home with her family by her side Wednesday morning, October 20, 2010, after a brave and courageous fight with cancer.
She is survived by Timothy, her husband of 42 years, and sons John (Debbie), Timm (Charlotte), and her daughter and best friend Katie.
Sharon always served others before herself no matter what the situation, and cared deeply for others' needs before her own, especially her granddaughters: Allison, Brooke, Emily, Olivia, and Isabella. She laughed often, even to the point of tears with her friends and family, including her mother, Isabel Walsh, twelve sisters and brothers, and so many friends along the way. Her smile, laughter, and the joy of life she shared with all will be sorely missed, but never forgotten.
Sharon served students for many years in her career as the food service director for Memphis Community Schools, and always enjoyed working with her colleagues throughout her career.
Her family honors the memory of Sharon and invites you to visit and share memories Thursday 6:00 to 8:00 p.m. and Friday 3:00 to 5:00 p.m. and 6:00 to 9:00 p.m. at Kaatz Funeral Directors, Richmond, with rosary devotion service at 7:00 p.m. Funeral services will be 11:00 a.m. Saturday with 10:00 a.m. visiting. Rev. Craig Mayes, pastor of Communitas NYC, New York, will officiate.
Pallbearers will be Matt, Guy and Johnny Walsh, Todd Bagwell, Kyle Kobe and Jimmy Dobleske.
Memorials are suggested to The Sharon Kelly Memorial Scholarship Fund, to the established thru the Memphis Community School District.

For information and Guest Book
kaatzfunerals.com

Hurtful Recognition

2010-10-15T06:19:00.002-04:00

It is so hard to know with absolute certainty at times what the right thing to do is in tough situations. My mom is not doing so well with her health because of the cancer. She is in Michigan, I am in New York. It crushed me when my dad called me to tell me that hospice began yesterday and the doctor said we should just make her feel comfortable at this time. It didn't crush me, thankfully, that my mom was ill, I know and trust that God is with her, and when she dies, she will be with Him forever. That is something that gives me 'peace that transcends all understanding'. But it crushed me that my dad is losing his wife of 42 years. It crushed me that he must go through this kind of hurt, and I am not five miles away to come and comfort him. Both of his sons are in different states, and that must make it all the harder for him. I don't often hear him call me 'son', but as we spoke on the phone more times yesterday than we have in months, he called me 'son' each time. And I could hear the hurt in his voice. I know the love my dad has for my mom, I have seen it so strong throughout my lifetime in all situations, even in tough situations. I am thankful that I had that type of man model love for his wife for me. He loves her so much. And he has to see her dying. That is hurtful. So today, the kkft will grab a plane to the D. We need to be with them this weekend. It is my hope that our love might ease their pain, if even for a moment. Please pray for my daddy. I love him so much. I am his son. And I am so proud to be the son of Hon and Hon.

Look out for the Bus.

2010-10-13T12:26:00.002-04:00

It isn't so much fun being thrown under the bus. Particularly when you are not sure why someone pushed you under the bus. Today I struggle with the fact that other people in this world are not like me in certain ways. I am trying to understand God's hand in that, particularly when it seems to me logical and common sensical to go to a person you have a difference of opinion with. As I talked with superstar about this recently, she said something like: "Other people aren't like you in the fact that you will just go and talk to that person. Other people sometimes can't handle doing that face to face like you can." I'm not tooting my horn, I just don't get it when someone else has a problem and they don't come to you with it. They go to someone else, or worse, in a work situation to someone that supervises you. That doesn't even make sense to me. Just get over yourself and have the difficult conversation already. Then both of you can understand each other better, and actually build strength in your relationship when you are vulnerable and honest with each other. So as I lie on the pavement with tracks down my back, I look up and what is it that I see? The Grace of God in my eyes. He shows me grace and loves me, even when I don't deserve it. Help me, Jesus to demonstrate that kind of grace, and to not get angry with whoever it was that pushed me off the curb in front of the B68 bus.

"This Stinks."

2010-10-01T08:48:00.003-04:00

I will tell you that this year has brought one of the biggest challenges of my lifetime to my plate. Cancer is something that strikes so many people in this world. It is a devastating disease that can be debilitating, himiliating, and lethal. Last year, we watched our neighbor go through a bout with breast cancer. With a one year old, it was so hard to see her in pain, without energy, etc. But she is doing well after all of her treatments, and the smile on her beautiful face is joy to our hearts.
But this year, it hit my mom. Peritanial cancer. I don't even know if that is how you spell it, to be honest. But it is not one that you can just treat, and have it disappear. But my mom is so brave, and so beautiful. It is so hard to live so many miles away from her and not be able to spend each day serving the loving mother that served each of us in our daily lives for all of our lives. Chemo has been tough, and there have been some hard days for her, and for all of us. But this week I was able to tie some work and a trip to Michigan together and come stay with her. After chemo on Monday, she has been pretty sick this week. But as I helped her into her bed at night, and gave her a kiss, she whispered: "This Stinks." At that very moment I wished so bad that I could just take on the disease for her. That she would be relieved of all of this hard stuff and that I could be the one to suffer. And just now as I type this in, I come to the realization that that is what Christ has done for me. He kisses me. He weeps over my pain and suffering. He tells me he loves me, and takes all of the pain and suffering and terrible things that attack me, and he puts them on his cross, and he dies - for me. It is so hard to watch your mom suffer and experience pain and hardship. But I lean on Him who strengthens me. And all I can tell you is : "This Stinks."

Conviction Hurts

2010-09-23T21:53:00.002-04:00

This week, I was truly humbled in my work. Funny that I got a call from my broseph in MI that felt the same thing this week. It hurts when someone has to tell you that you are not meeting expectations. There are many complicated pieces to my work puzzle this year, but that has been some type of crutch for me to rest on. This week, benzr challenged me to get off the crutch - and it hurt. It hurt me that I wasn't doing my best in all areas. It hurt me that I have been trying to keep up in this crazy race, but haven't made pace with my typical work ethic. I had blinders on my eyes, and had convinced myself that I was doing my best. Truth be told, my eyes were opened yesterday to the brutal truth that indeed I was not doing my flat out best. I was working hard, but I was missing opportunities to have an impact. I was missing opportunities to pour into others in order to make improvements in their lives of work. I knew things that I needed to do, but never got to doing them for this reason or that reason - and some pretty good reasons as it were. But when God convicts you in your heart and spirit, there is no way to go around the hurt. It is too large. Fortunately for me, I work with some incredible people that pour grace over my stupidity. If the brooklyn jew was not on my flight, I don't know if I would have gotten through this just the same or not. He is an incredible man with an incredible way of teaching me things that I need to learn. It is beyond my comprehension that I have this opportunity to work for the two of them, and that it is me here doing what I do. And to know that I blew some things hurts me even more, because I absolutely do not want to let either of them down in any way shape or form. But without their convictions of my inadequacies, I would not grow. To hear benzr tell me on the phone today - 'don't worry T$, I still love ya'. That took a gigantic piece of the hurt away from me. What grace I don't deserve. She is showing me the love of Jesus, and I don't even deserve it. And here I sit, overwhelmed by the hurt of my convictions this week, yet not hurting any longer. Because discipline is hard. It hurts. And today, I hope I grow a little bit stronger out of this gate of life I am going to close. Trust me, Jesus says, and everything will be all right. I'm always with you - no matter what. Thank you God and others for convicting me to the core. I appreciate the insight and the pain and the misery and the love that takes it all away. Trust Jesus, He tells me, and you will be just fine.

Speaking through my Dreams.

2010-09-10T18:01:00.002-04:00

I am quite certain that God spoke to me through a dream I had last night, and I felt confirmed in that as I worked my new 'outdoor workout' in the park today. (Watch out aussie!) I woke up in the middle of a dream that was quite vivid. I was seeing this snake that was very large, and very long, I couldn't even see all of him. He was as dark as thunderstorm clouds are - that dark grey/black color, but really really dark. He had no face, but did have arms. He was building a wall of bricks, and slinging mortar or mud all over the bricks he was putting on the wall. The entire wall was covered in this dark sludge of mud so that you couldn't even see the bricks anymore. And I was handing him the bricks. When I handed it to him, he would slap sludge all over it and add it to the wall. As I awoke, I realized this was more than a dream. I felt like God told me to stop handing him the bricks. Because the snake is Satan, and I am choosing to hand him the bricks. I felt like God challenged me. I suddenly came to the realization, I think from the Holy Spirit revealing it to me, that the bricks I was handing him were my sins. And Satan was building this wall between God and I. But I was choosing to hand him the bricks by choosing to sin, and I was the one allowing him to build this wall between God and I. And therein lies God's challenge to me that was very clear this morning. I need to stop handing him the bricks. I am choosing to allow Satan to build the wall. And if I stop sinning, I stop handing him the bricks. And he can't build the wall. I do know that God can tear down the wall that Satan builds, and that is through his forgiveness. This just now came clear to me as the realization that the wall was not very tall. Because even if he builds it, if I ask for forgiveness, God tears down the wall. Just like Gorbachev. Alright, maybe not like Gorbachev. I think this was the clearest revelation God has revealed to me in visual form and through a dream, certainly. Our small group is doing 24/7 with Jesus this week. As I seek Him, he reveals new things to me. Which helps me to know Him. Which leads me to love Him. That allows me to obey Him, and thus builds my belief in Him. And so I seek Him more. As a kindergartener once said to me "Hey, that's a pattern." Thank you God for speaking through my dreams. A new way for you to speak to me. I love you.

So much to say about so much to do about so much to live for in so little time.

2010-09-03T13:03:00.002-04:00

This might be the longest post title I have ever had here on MSD, but I feel like there is so much to say about this title. I've been working out of town for a few weeks, and really even more than that, as I was in Michigan for work many weeks this summer. It is challenging work, and definitely takes some getting used to not coming home to the girls, eating dinner with them, hearing highs and lows, etc. It certainly has allowed me to press into my spiritual development with the (additional?) time that I have had not being with the kkft. Daily prayer time = increased. Daily bible reading = increased. Getting through Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secret book = 7 pages left now. Praying in the rental care = more than in my car. Praying for people I have never met or just getting to know = so much increased. Praying for the k girls = so so so much more each day as I miss the smiles laughs and hugs. Getting the picture here?
I have been wrestling with a few things - one major thing is the fact that my mom has cancer. Not living five miles away certainly seems more challenging to be able to help her. But I pray for her, my dad, and my sister each day, and I can't say I would have done that if I were still living in MI. But in Taylor's Secret book I read this:
"So, if God should place me in serious perplexity, must He not give me much guidance; in positions of great difficulty, much grace; in circumstances of great pressure and trial, much strength? No fear that His resources will prove unequal to the emergency! And His resources are mine, for He is mine, and is with me and dwells in me."
What reassurance this poured into my heart, my mind, and my soul this week. I am not fearful that He can sustain me today, tomorrow, and always. If it were not for His sustainance, I may not be able to cope with the reality of my mother and this life. But I can, ans he guides me, gives me grace, and so much strength. And the joy of the harvest reigns in my heart, my mind, and my soul. I look to God to give me all this, and each day He continues to provide exactly what I need, and more. Even when it is not what I want or deserve. He sustains my heart in His love. Further from Taylor:
"The secret of faith that is ready for emergencies is the quiet, practical dependence upon God day by day which makes Him real to the believing heart."
My heart believes in Him. And so I seek Him and His will. And in doing this, the more I know who He is and His desires for me, for my family, for all of humanity. And knowing what God desires, my love for Him grows exponentially. And in loving Him, I learn to trust him more each day and obey His will for me. And in doing this, my desire to seek Him more grows. It is my love for Him that gets me up early to read the bible and journal. To seek His voice before I start the day I know I am going to screw up. And hear His graceful guidance for my stupidity in this life. And I grow. So much....

Help me.

2010-08-25T20:43:00.002-04:00

What a powerful evening this was for me in so many ways. It really is an incredible world that we live in, and I am thinking and writing that because I was able to watch my friend and pastor speak at our old church via that there internet tonight from my hotel room in shuffletown. I honestly could not wait to tune in, and all day I had great anticipation to see how God would use this opportunity to teach others something. Unbeknownst to me, I was tuning in so that I might learn so much and be blown away - again. (Why are you so dull? is what Jesus asked his disciples)
"Follow me." Two very small words that have changed my life. It seems quite a stretch to say that about my life, as Jesus said this to a select few, and they did 'gather and go' as Jesus asked them. Many could not face the reality of giving up their lives, and selling all their things, and leaving family, and liquidating their wealth. I feel that I very clearly heard God ask me to follow him in our journey to nyc. I had no idea what that might mean for me, for my wife, my children, my marriage, my friendships, my family. But I agree with the pastor in that I would not change it for the world.
As I literally dropped to my knees in my hotel room tonight, I praised the God of the universe that loves me (and every person) more than I deserve. My heart was broken knowing that God has led my life to places I only dreamed about in my life. I simply sat on my knees and praised him for loving me, and giving me things that I didn't even see coming. And I asked God: "Help me." And I wept. And I wept. And I wept. A new surrender tonight to my King - that I need Help. So much help that I don't even know how or what to ask for. But I know that I need Him to help me. In all that I do. In the moments of today. And tomorrow. In dealing with the life I am so desperately trying to live to glorify His Name.
And peace and tranquility pour over my heart. Because I know that I can trust Him. After giving up more to my King, time and time and time again, I know I can trust Him.
And for this day, I am so thankful for my friend. My mentor. My pastor, and my chum. I would not be the man I am today if it weren't for him pouring into my life and my walk. I can't even believe that I get to be his friend. And again I praise God for more than I deserve. In every aspect of my life. More than I deserve. And I kneel at His feet. And I weep. And I praise Him. And I cry out - "Help me."

Shuffling off....and back to the bkly.

2010-08-20T09:13:00.002-04:00

In my new role this year, I am going to be travelling quite a bit more than I used to. I (so far) can only see one single solitary drawback. I am not with all my girls. I am thankful that superstar is an independent woman that actually enjoys being independent of her man, and that she is good with me not being there. But this morning livvy came and sat next to me on the loveseat in the spare room to wake up, and that is definitely not something I can do in another town.
But I am so thankful for what I get to do. The next few months, there is much hard work to be done. I continue to ask God to lead me in what I need to see, what I need to do, and what I need to say. This is a new(er) approach to my work, as I know I used to ask God to help me, but only generally and subsequently to what I thought I should do and how. Now, the work is indeed more challenging, and so I must depend on Him more because I need Him to lead me.
This week, in our communitas daily study, the focus is 'daily dependence on God'. I am renewed in His Word each day, and so much enjoy spending time reading scriptures and seeing how God will teach me something new. This has become part of my daily life, and even when it is hard to get up earlier (especially after working to 11pm on school stuff - ug!), I am better prepared to live my day following Jesus. It seems like this is a no brainer, but for so many years I thought I was 'being a Christian', but never realized just how stupid that is to think you can just follow Jesus without reading the bible, and spending time trying to hear what God has in store for you.
So today I earnestly asked God to put me where He wants me this fall, not just where I would like to be. That is hard to do, but not when I know His plan is better than my own. At noon today, I have a meeting to work out my schedule for fall. My prayer is that God will lead my steps and my travels to better serve others before serving myself. I suppose now that I wrote that, I actually mean it, and hope to live it out. :)

Cornmobile.com

2010-08-12T16:49:00.003-04:00

I am ever thankful that I have such wonderful in laws from the top of the list to the bottom. Of course the list would be alphabetical to show no favoritism because I love them all equally no matter what. But if I'm allowed to just for a moment place an asterisk next to some of the names on the list, today the asterisks go to the panks. You see, moving away from Michigan's thumb, we left quite a fertile place to grow vegetables and get hand picked deliveries if we so desired, would find a box of said vegetables on our porch or in our garage at random times, or be asked if we wanted to take anything 'out of the garden' before we left church road. Today, a box arrived at our apartment which contained a slice of the bountiful harvest normally acquired from church road. And joy is in my heart. Because today I will eat cornmobile.com corn for dinner. And I will savor it in my mouth as long as I can. You might think you've had sweet corn before that is good, perhaps even great. But if you have not had cornmobile.com corn, you have not had the best. That's right, jerky, I said the BEST! If you don't believe me, then prove otherwise. Send your corn to our apartment, I will test it, and then I will have to deliver the sad news that your corn doesn't meet up with the flavor and deliciousness of cornmobile.com. Thanks to the panks for making today a special day for the KKFT. I'm off to shuck it up right now. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

Emotions overwhelm.

2010-08-06T12:20:00.002-04:00

I am so fortunate to have my job, and work for such an incredible company. What we do for children is truly an honorable thing, and the joy it brings to my heart is overwhelming. Hearing from parents this morning, seeing children celebrated, and knowing that 500 new teachers will have a wide variety of impacts on so many children across the country was a bit overwhelming to my spirit. Why is it that I get so emotional about that? The only thing I can put together is that God created me to help provide those opportunities for parents, children, teachers, and any other stakeholders. It brings me great joy to know that there is an impact to what we do together. Our CEO sends a monthly email to all employees, and at the end of the email that we received this morning he said: "I believe in you." I read that line, and tears came to my eyes. It did not feel like an impersonal statement. I felt like he was in the room saying it to me, and it was powerful. I sense that God is trying to tell me the same thing through my emotions about what we do, and it is somewhat baffling to me that I get to be a part of something so important and potentially life altering. It makes me want to work even harder at what I do. So I commit myself once again to being the absolute best I can be at my work, and to honor God with the skills and abilities He has given me to conduct this work. I praise Him for my job, for the people I get to work with, and the beauty of each child that enters one of our schools each day this school year.

The Aussie.

2010-08-05T11:15:00.005-04:00

This week, I have been in GR for more excitement with so many new faces. It is exciting to see hundreds of new teachers preparing for a new life in their new careers. Personally, I have gotten to spend time with my new colleague and friend, the aussie. In my new role at work, I get to work with him in leadership development and some things of that sort. It is right in my wheelhouse, and I feel so very fortunate that I get to a: be involved in this work; b: do this work with the aussie; c) enjoy each day what I get to do for "work". It is really incredible, and God has blessed me beyond what I even imagined once again, blowing my hopes and dreams to pieces, only to provide me once again with more than I ever imagined. As Jesus asked Peter- "Are you so dull?"
But the aussie is a special person, a Christian man that is inspiring, and an encouragement to me in every respect. I have so enjoyed each time we get to work on something. This week, if you look at the photos, you will see where we got to do some 'work', as he invited me to a house he was housesitting this week. Our time not only included work, but work outs, swimming in the lake, filets for dinner, laughter, ice cream, and some incredible conversations and learnings. I so look forward to what God is going to do with not only the work we get to do together, but the relationship we continue to develop and our spiritual development that I am certain will grow because of this relationship. I am ever thankful and encouraged by the people God brings into my life each day in each role that I know He has carved into my little slice of the world. Much more to come I am certain.

You are always in the presence of God.

2010-08-01T14:15:00.002-04:00

After 34 days away from Brooklyn, I finally got to spend the night in my own bed for a couple of days. The old me would not have been so excited to sleep in a 'full' size bed, but now it is my bed of choice. I didn't get to sleep with a superstar, but soon enough we will both be back in our little bed together.
It was great to have a delicious puertorican dinner of pork chops, beans and rice, and a delicious salad. The rican can cook some tasty morsels fo sho. Even got to have spinderello and sprinkle join in on the deliciousness. It was so so nice to see some of the friends that I have missed greatly being out of the city. Also got to double windsor it up with the rican friday night.
There are so many things that bring joy to my heart after being in the city for less than two days, even if I am sitting in an airport ready to head out for another week. The view of the skyline of nyc is overwhelming. Especially when I hear God saying "this is my city". Very cool. I realized even more than I thought that I truly missed being here and living an incredible life in this place with very special people. The people that you come in contact with each day. Unbelieveable. Truly incredible. Just walking to the store to get a couple items, people, people, people. This comes after somewhat of a realization/epiphany/conclusion moment last week in a training when AD said "this is all about people. helping people." I said to myself-that's it. That's what I want to do. Help people. That's it. No matter in what role, work, play, neighborhood, friendship, whatever. I want to help people. In any way possible. Wherever. Whenever. However. Help me, God, to see those opportunities.
Final thought of this post-I was given a yamaka today for the first time in my life. That's not something that would have happened to me living in R-town fo sho. It was from our friends' wedding. Special thanks to k-sill for the gift. Little does she know the great impact her thoughtfulness has had on me today. When she handed it to me, she said: "You are always in the presence of God." Why do we not act like that? Why do we not remember each moment of each day in our lives that we are in the presence of God? When she said it, it didn't hit me that hard, but the phrase continues to ring in my head all day today. I hope that I can act as if I believe that phrase, and that I live my life as if though it were true.

Lost in the Blogosphere

2010-07-29T11:09:00.002-04:00

No, I am not really lost. It has been 18 days since my last post, and I am itching to post so many things that have happened over the last two weeks or so. I so much enjoyed spending time in Michigan, particularly time in serving my mom that has cancer. It is challenging to experience cancer when it occurs in friends, their parents, neighbors, relatives, and the like. But when it occurs to someone in your direct family, it is definitely different. I pray each day that God would do a miracle in my mom's health, and I believe He could do that. But it is certainly hard to see your own mother without her normal energy and unable to spend her entire day serving others, because that is what she would do any other time that we came to visit. But after a blood transfusion, her hemoglobin went back to 11 and she is feeling stronger. I hope that swing continues.
There was also much fun to be had among the work travels with family and friends. Spending time with the K's from GA, mattsy and the W crew, my nugget cousin, izorama and the girls girls girls. Priceless. Getting together with Jimmer, Hammy, mg, bb, cdubs (even though I got to spend the whole week with here in GR now-which is sweet!!!), panks, and a special sleepover night w Berman. So great to see people and spend time with them. I so much appreciate time with them more now. Which is a great learning point-take advantage of today and the opportunities you have with the people around you, it may be a time that goes away before you appreciate it.
So proud of Alli, who has the gene from her mom that makes you cry when you near the top of the first hill of the Millenium at Cedar Point, it was so fun to go on the rides with the girls, stay at the Maples Motel, swim in the wave pool during a rain storm, and travel down to GA.
And on to work-any disappointment that I experienced over not getting my own building is gone. I am provided with an opportunity to experience some new postitions (yes, plural) this year. I am certain that I will blog on this later, as this week continues to unfold some opportunities that I did not see coming. I am 100% certain that God's hand is in this new development, and the aussie is a new Christ following man that has come into my life. I am interested to see what God does with this relationship, and the work we have to do together. I was blown away this week with the realization of how God has put us together, and the fact that I get to help him with leadership training for our company. So excited to begin this new opportunity and can't even believe that I get to be involved in things that I so enjoy. This week, I even got up at 6am to run 3 of 4 mornings, and today, my heart was overflowing with praise for God and the work He continues to do in me, and the blessings I so don't deserve that He pours over me. More to come on all this later, certainly.
Finally for today, though, after being away from HOME for 34 days, I can't wait to get on the plane tomorrow and go back to Brooklyn. I loved spending time here in MI, and all the other states I visited, but there were times over the last month I longed to be in our apartment. I longed to see people and interact with the culture and business of NYC. I longed to sit on the stoop with my rican friend, have a beer, and laugh about back tendons and microwave juice. I am almost in tears just thinking about the fact that I get to go home tomorrow. I didn't mean for that to happen just now, but I think that God has given me a heart for where He continues to put me, and I praise Him for everything that is good.

More than you ever dreamed.

2010-07-11T10:13:00.003-04:00

This phrase kept hitting me yesterday as I ran. (By the by, up to the stoplight and back = 3.4 miles) That is more than I ever dreamed of running as an adult, and I think it might be more than I ever ran as a young adult when I used to be quite fit playing sports in high school. But once again the parallels between the physical and the spiritual resonate for me. I never dreamed that I would be shaving my mom's head as she goes through chemotherapy, but I did. And I did it with joy in my heart to be able to serve her in that way. Bald is the new black, by the way. I never dreamed that I would be living and working in Brooklyn, NY, but that is happening with joy in my heart as well. Being in the calm of wales certainly has been wonderful, but I do miss the pace and energy of my city. Never dreamed that I would be part of a church plant, but that also brings me joy. Never dreamed I would be married to the most beautiful woman in the world, but I am. Never dreamed I would have two daughters that are more beautiful than the day, but they are. But I am learning anew that trust is the key to more than I ever dreamed. Trusting God with all of my being is hard to do, but I am learning the more I trust, the more my dreams come true. Even dreams I didn't know I had come true, and then I realize that I had them. Will you trust? Will you hope in the Lord? This type of question is what I hear when I take time to be still and listen. And more dreams are revealed that come true....

Abundance and Absolution

2010-07-06T14:44:00.002-04:00

This morning as I enjoyed my coffee anew, the word abundance kept coming to me. Abundance. All of the things that I get to experience = Abundance. An abundance of love. An abundance of joy, fun, smiles, laughs. An abundance of food and drink. An abundance of friends and family. Abundance of abundance. Doesn't even sound like a word anymore, does it? Abundance. What do you have in abundance? I have everything in abundance.
And as I ran today, the word absolution reigned in my ears. The fact that Jesus died for me is an act of absolution. My sins are forgiven - not sometimes, not for a while, but absolutely. Absolved. Gone. And absolution means forever. I was overwhelmed with the love of Christ and his act of absolution that I so do not deserve. And that means love in abundance. Word to the A.

Happy July 3rd.

2010-07-03T13:41:00.003-04:00

I have to say this is a different kind of July than I have ever experienced. I am enjoying the fact that I am sitting on the front porch, warm breeze hitting my skin, the lazy sound of the breeze passing through the soy beans and the pine trees. In the past, July has certainly meant a change in the pace of life for my family and me. From working a lot of hours during the school year, when July hits, it is a time to sleep in for a while, chill out, spend some time with those you love, and the like. But this July, it is a removal of not only the pace of life, but the PLACE of life. From BKLY to the sticks of Wales Township, it certainly is a bit different in all aspects. First question I find myself asking myself is "where the heck is everyone?" Not that I am complaining. It is a nice change of pace and place. It warms my heart to simply spend some time with family, just realaxing, catching up, playing tennis (without a fee), swimming in the pool, riding the new go cart - even with mattsy - seeing friends. Did I mentino the breeze that I am enjoying right now? No constant hum of the city. A horizon that seems to last forever, sunsets that blow out your rods and cones until you can't take it anymore....etc. Shortly, the July I am enjoying will be over, and we will return to the city. But for today, I am enjoying the breeze.

Superstar is the Love of my Life.

2010-06-29T15:34:00.002-04:00

14 years of marriage today. I love my superstar more than I love life itself. I would take bullets for her. I would chew nails. God has graced me with a beautiful woman that desires the way God wants us to live. She challenges me on what I need challenging on. She loves me even more than I thought someone could love me. She is the most incredible mother to our children. She is a servant because she loves people the way God loves people. She is more beautiful than I deserve. When I get to hold her in my arms, I know it is something special. When I see her face, I am blown away by the beauty of God. I could stare at her face all day long and be completely content. Before dating, I knew I loved her and wanted to marry her. I can still recall vividly January 3rd, 1993 our first date at FGF's. Sitting at the bar with smiles and laughter. She placed her hand on my knee, and I knew things would never be the same. And they are not. I am in love more today than I have ever been. The desires of my heart are for her happiness and her love. 14 more, and we'll be at 28. Each day brings me joy beyond my comprehension, and my heart continues to grow for her love. Can't wait to spend the rest of my life with her.

Middle School...........Right.

2010-06-24T09:14:00.003-04:00

Hard to believe that this young lady is the nugget that I held in my hands just over 10 years ago. Hard to believe that the one that ate just about anything without any teeth is now almost as tall as her mother. Hard to believe that the one that would say "My FAFE momma" (instead of faCe) is now writing her own songs and melodies. Having a daughter has certainly opened my eyes and my heart to how God feels about me as His child. Even when she makes mistakes, I still love her more than I can tell you. My love for her does not end, and the pride and joy that comes to my heart is tremendous when adults in her school talk about how special she is, and how she has changed their lives or outlook or daily life. This is a special girl. Check that, she is becoming a special young lady. This week is her last week at her 'elementary' school. This fall, she will be in middle school. As one that has so much enjoyed the ms years in my career, I am thrilled to watch her move on, and I am so much enjoying her development into a young adult. I am so proud of her award that she won, and so proud of her piano performance in front of all that attended her graduation ceremony. I love this girl, and can't wait to see what God has planned for the next phase of her life. I know she will be successful because she is hard working, compassionate toward others, oh, and she likes to have fun. My little Alli Bear.

That's my mommy.

2010-06-21T08:58:00.002-04:00

This week has been quite busy, and with much stress involved. Moving away from your parents was not difficult for me to do, just my personality I suppose. Not that I don't miss them, because I DO. But this week, I found out that my mother has cancer. It seems odd to me to even type that last sentence. Surreal. It doesn't seem like that is something that was going to happen to my mommy. Let's start like this-My mom was incredible to us growing up. (And by the by, she still is incredible to us, and even more so to her grandchildren.) As a young child, you don't grasp the reality of what exactly your parents are doing for you. As a young man, you think you know more than everyone else, and that you are invincible, and that your parents are pretty stupid. But now, as a full grown man in his 40's (I know, I know, physically-I am aware of the fact that I often behave like an adolescent) it does sink in just what your parents do for you, especially being a parent of my own children.
My mom was at every game, every play, every event, every milestone for me and for my siblings. Our lives and our events were more important than hers. And I learned so much about being a parent from my mom. I was fortunate enough that my mom was home caring for my siblings and me when we were young. I really don't care who you are or what you say, but my mom is the best mom that ever was. I still learn from her all the time. She will be the first to tell you that she wasn't perfect. I vividly recall so often her saying to us - "You kids are going to drive me crazy." And she meant it. We were definitely challenging, and I may or may not have been leading that charge. But she continues to love us for who we are and who God made us to be. Even this year, with some of the challenges I have personally faced in this move to nyc, I would get a card in the mail from her, just a note to encourage me as we went along.
Mom continues to inspire me through this challenge. Her positive attitude is astounding, and I know that God is helping her each day through this battle. I know that He will continue to strengthen her in the good days and the bad days. It is a bit hard being 600 some miles away, and not being able to stop in and see her, or bring her some flowers to brighten her day, or just to sit with her. But I do that in prayer these days. I pray more for her and my dad now than I ever have at any point in my life. And I know that God is answering my prayers. He may not be answering the prayers with my hopes, but I do know trust and believe He is answering me each day. I know this because I can't do this. I know because without His strength, I wouldn't feel completely peacefull like I do today.
I don't know (again, what a surprise!!) what the future will bring for my mom. Miracles do happen, and that is my hope. I pray for her to continue with her positive attitude, and I pray that God would be with her each step she takes, and that she experiences the peace that transcends all understanding. But just as I was reminded as I watched 'Facing the Giants' Friday night and wept like a school girl - I will praise Him if we win. I will praise Him if we lose. That's my mommy, and I love her so much. I praise Him for having the best mommy. EVAR.

The A train.

2010-06-16T10:39:00.004-04:00

We are all on a train. Some go to nice stations that are clean. Some stop at very dirty places, and we choose to get off. Some of our trains are air conditioned. Some smell like vomit. We choose the train we ride, becasue that is what the creator allows us to do. The trains go from here to there and don't ever stop running. We choose to stay on a train, or we choose to get off. We know the routes, and what the destination is. Sometimes we get to choose who we ride the train with, sometimes, we don't. Sometimes we choose to get on a train with the wrong people heading in the wrong direction. Sometimes we don't know we're headed in the wrong direction until we get stuck in a tunnel somewhere we don't want to be and then don't even know how long we will have to wait to get to the next station and get off. But on that train, whatever train we are on, we have full discretion to continue riding, to stop at the messy or wise stops, to transfer to the right line, to swipe our unlimited ride card in the station, to go through the turnstile to the right line, or we choose not to. The map is in our heart, and we know it, well, by heart. We know the right line to take, we know the destination. What train we choose to take to that destination is our own doing. Others may stand on the platform and cheer us on, and smile and wave as we enter the turnstile we need to enter. We need to listen to those people. We need to stand up for the others on our train. Sometimes we need to stop at the messy stations and help others to get on the right line, to feed them, to clothe them, to care for them and show them grace. Sometimes we need to stop, go up to the street level and see the world that we live in, accept the adventure that awaits us in this neighborhood or that. Today, we must stop at the right station, and see the people around us that we should put before our own desires, and care for them deeply. We must swipe our cards and enter the right train to the right destination. And we must ride with the full intention of justice and mercy, and take care of the poor and the widows.
Stand clear of the closing doors, please.

Festival Galore

2010-06-13T20:53:00.002-04:00

It was a nice weekend visit having the in-laws here in the city. Particularly when you take your father - in - law for a nice pleasant bike ride through the park. And then you recommend stopping to check out the band that is playing. And you hear a man's voice over the PA, but see a woman. And your father in law says "I thought that was a man", and your response is "That is a man, take a look at the sign." (Which reads - welcome to the annual L.G.B.T. Festival) Not that there is anything wrong with that. It just is confusing to me. Very confusing. Mostly comical when you see some of the things going on, and you want to say to someone -for real? That is what you want? Alright then. On your way.

A new Workout.

2010-06-08T07:51:00.002-04:00

Over the last week, I have started a new workout regimen that I found in Men's Health this month. I have enjoyed getting myself into better shape over the last couple of years, and I certainly feel better about my general health and fitness levels. Eating right and excercising can do some incredible things to your body. I never felt the need to take better care of myself, and I never felt like I wasn't well. But now looking back at the extra 50 some pounds I had to carry around, the smoking that limited my body, and the eating habits I maintained, I am surprised that I didn't realize what I was doing to myself. Peep this from Corinthians 6:

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

The benefits to honoring God with my body are transforming physically, as well as mentally. As well as emotionally. As well as spiritually. Which leads me to once again make the correlation between my physical dimension and my spiritual one. I am challenged once again to elevate my game in spending time with God. The message is not posted yet on the communitas website but you should definitely listen to the message MM gave that pulled the emotions from my heart on 6/6/10. And so I am renewed and refreshed in being certain that I spend time listening to God. Not just reading the bible, but taking the time as it says in Psalms 46:10 to "Be still, and know that I am God".

So, we got the physical - check. Got the spiritual - check. Now for the worldly. I do know my 'assignment' for the next year with my company, which I am very excited about and so looking forward to I can hardly stand it. But New York did finally pass a new charter school law to try to nab some of the Race to the Top funds. For some unknown political reason (notice the lack of focus on students and learning in this sentence), part of the law is that for profit companies can no longer open new charter schools. I won't spend all day going into the fact that performance from our company (and the ONE other for profit that I know about) has continued to outperform the public schools in comparable locations at an alarming rate. But that brings with it another sense of wonder as to what might happen beyond this next year for T$'s work situation. I can tell you that I am definitely not worried about it, because God has continued to provide more for my family and me than I EVAR dreamed of, and I know He is faithfull to me in my efforts to follow Jesus. But it does raise my curiosity in what might happen beyond this year. But again, this is a new workout. Pastor's email challenged me once again when he said:

"Seems like uncertainty about the future is the path you have to walk a bit longer, or maybe for a lifetime."

Kind of interesting to look at it that way. But I am so comfortable in that uncertainty, even if it is for a lifetime, it is freaky. Here's why from Phillipians 4:

4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

He is with me, and I am at peace. Even if it is uncertain. Even in the midst of not knowing once again what might come to be for the kkft. I 'rejoice in the Lord', for that is enough for me. Today. In my new workout.

You didn't bring a shirt with you, did you?

2010-05-31T17:06:00.002-04:00

Well, it is memorial day weekend. Thanks and praise to all those that have died so that I might enjoy time with my family, watch a race, and go to the beach. Did I mention Indian food on Friday night? Our neighbors took us out to dinner, so so nice of them to do, and we had Indian food. It was delicious and I personally enjoyed every bite of everything. (Even if pastor doesn't like it.) So enjoyed spending time eating great food and watching Indian music video/movies while we ate and chatted. V-langs is finally done with her radiation and keimo, so it was a celebration of all the days getting to here. I pray that her cancer never returns and health is all she knows. We also enjoyed helping them do some cleaning/organizing/painting/hanging things/etc., and it was honestly a fun day even with all the work.
Today we went to Riis park on the Atlantic Ocean. 80's. Sunny. The wind was pretty strong coming off the ocean, but it didn't ruin the day. Watching alli lay down in the freezing water smiling and laughing. Chilling on the blanket reading a magazine. Enjoying the awesome weather. This weekend wasn't "Kelly's Campground" at Uncle Don's, but it didn't suck at all either. Just to share a couple other highlights from the beach-
Ever seen a grown man with a white beard dressed in a white wedding dress dancing along the beach with his white poodle that has his hair on his head died red, while a parrot crawls on the man's head? I have. Today was the second time that I saw that. Another (I regret now calling these 'highlights'...) was on the way back to the car seeing two young ladies walk out of the restroom facility. Neither were wearing shirts, or a bathing suit top for that matter, holding hands as the walked along in their matching g-string bottoms. We still aren't sure if that is illegal or not? Kind of funny that superstar had just finished a conversation with the girls about the sun bathing techniques of european ladies that don't often wear a top. Yeah, I saw that today too.

Why are you crying?

2010-05-27T10:42:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I was fortunate enough to be able to leave school early to go to another school. It happens to be my daughters' school. I got to enjoy the 'puppet' show that the 5th graders put on each year at their school. The puppets are gigantic heads the students design and build, connected with large pieces of material to make the shirts, and then gigantic hands to complete the puppet. So the students bring them out into the courtyard and do a dance, and then act out a poem with thier gigantic puppets-which end up hanging in the hallways of the school for the next year. When Allison read her poem, my soul was overwhelmed, and tears popped out of my eye sockets. I'm not sure if it could even be described as 'crying', because it was more of an emotional outburst than crying. But this 'crying' was something that stuck with me for a while. I left the school and went for a run in prospect park-it was 90 something yesterday, and I have a hard time running when it is that warm. But I did it. As I ran, the question kept hitting me: Why are you crying? Because I have great pride in my daughter and her heart. For her joy in doing the right thing. Her joy in being a light. And I felt like God was showing me something in this. That this is the joy that overwhelms Him when I make wise choices. When I am a light. When He takes great pride in me.
So this week, I have taken the train to work each day. I have SO MUCH enjoyed not having to drive, the walk to and fro, and seeing the people, not just the stop lights along the way. (By the by, I might be the only white guy heading in the direction I travel to my school...) At the stop to get the train by our house, I noticed a homeless guy sitting there Tues and Wed. And I thought to myself as I went down the stairs Wed "I should bring him something to eat tomorrow." So I finish my run, and there he is, sitting on the bench near the crosswalk. So I stop and go talk to him. Bobby. He's a little hesitant at first, but I ask him if he needs anything-'You have any spare change?' Not on my run, no. But I could bring you something to eat tomorrow morning if you're going to be here. As I walk over the crosswalk, I pray for Bobby. I come to the realization that he probably deserves more grace than I have experienced. And for a moment, I'm crying again. Why are you crying? Because I realize that God loves Bobby so much. He takes pride in him when he makes good choices. He loves him uncontrollably, just like I love my daughter. And I can't stop crying. Because I know the love of God in my heart, and I am so thankful for His love and grace. So this morning I took a bag of things for Bobby-some food to eat. Not sure if I'll see him regularly or not, but I pray for him to experience God's love the way I do each day. Why are you crying?

whodat?

2010-05-20T18:50:00.002-04:00

As the sun sets across Brooklyn, and I sit on the terrace enjoying the coolness of the shade and the greenery of the trees in all the 'yards' behind the houses in our hood, I am thankful for where I live. Brooklyn is a special place, and these mere words on this measly website will not thoroughly convey my thoughts and emotions that now run deep for this place. I can tell you that the grittiness of the neighborhoods is palpable. I can tell you there is no pretentiousness from people that live in MOST neighborhoods here. I can tell you the diversity brings the world to your rods and cones quickly each day. It is not easy to live here. It is a challenge. The curse words you hear on a daily basis are enough to make you join in the use of new adjectives in never before imagined ways. The fact that some ladies put on a shirt and forget to wear pants with that shirt sometimes makes you want to shout "Dammit, Bobby, put some pants on." The fact that when a light turns green, if you are at the front of the line, and you wait even one nanosecond before slamming the accelerator, you will get honked at. The fact that rent and housing is ridiculously expensive can make you want to buy a small crap house in the Clem and move on. But it is home. To so many new yorkers that I love. I enjoy each day here, even with life's small frustrations. And the sun rises and sets on the righteous and sinners alike.
Today I got to spend time with my superstar. And I love her more now than ever. Thank you God for the beautiful gift of love and for my superstar. :)

So So Much.

2010-05-15T08:52:00.002-04:00

I haven't posted in over 10 days. Not to say that I did not think of posting, or have things to contemplate. I did. But for some reason, I was fighting the urges to blog on things. So now, you will have to sit there in your seat (I hope it is a comfy one) and read through my personal regurgitation of so many things, you might be sick of me by the time I am finished. Heck, you're probably already sick of me, but that's only because you know me.

First-Olivia turned 8 on her 'birthweek' this week. You see, at our house, there are multiple events during that week now for birthdays. Family night together to celebrate, day to take treats in to school, friends party, small group cake and ice cream. See, that's nearly a week already. So we have enjoyed the birthweek, breakfast together as a family (something new-ty terrace bagels YUM). As I sat on the plane and prayed for Olivia and her life, her relationship with God, her future, her wisdom, it occurred to me what was going on when she was born. We were in the midst of building our home on Woodside, I was in my first administrative job, living upstairs at my parents, and Alli was 2. That seems like so long ago. My desire to raise our girls in the ways of God continue to intensify as I realize we are about the half way point of influence with Alli, and almost there with Olivia. We can only influence and impact them so much while we guide them into adulthood, and God knows we need help with that! It is a joy to watch them grow, and I love them both dearly. Happy Birthday to the GROUND!

Second-I love my wife. Although I am not the perfect husband (no, really, I'm not), I do feel like superstar and I are in the best place we have ever been in our relationship. My heart for her grows stronger each day, and I can tell you that God gave me what I do not deserve in her. I long to be with her when I am away, and she has the ability to pour love and grace and mercy over me when I least expect it. I know she prays for me each day, and I can tell you that God has answered so many of her prayers to change me, my heart, and my life. Without that level of prayer, I know that I would not be following Jesus the way I am today. Did I mention that she keeps getting hotter as we get older? Yeah. I just said that. BAM!

Terd Ferguson-we have developed and continue to develop a friendly relationship with our neighbors-drummer boy and the brit. The brit is at the last stages of her radiation treatments for breast cancer. We have done our best to try to support them and their beautiful daughter, Sylvia, while the brit goes through her treatments. Superstar has been able to serve them by helping, cooking, etc. Through all this, they have come over most Friday nights and spent time with us and the andrews family (du du du dut snap snap). Last week, my heart was overwhelmed with the level of conversations we had in our apartment, and the deep level of sharing that they both had with us. It is my hope that we will be friends for many many many years, as I love them more each day. It doesn't hurt that drummer boy seems to have the same sense of humor that I do, and is willing to drag things on along the path of humor as much as I do, and even further down the path. I enjoy spending any time at all with them, and look forward to so much more of doing life with them now and in the future.

Fourf- I love Brooklyn. Riding home in the cab from LGA last night as the temperature was in the low 70's, the sun had just set, the city lights twinkled in the windows of the cab, and I passed the Chrysler building, the Empire State building, the williamsburg, manhattan, and Brooklyn bridges, looked over lower manhattan as we went along the BQE, passed the Statue of Liberty and Governor's Island, and saw the colors of the western sky as staten island and the verrazano drifted past.....I was just sitting in the cab smiling. The smile was because I indeed love where I live. I was happy to sit in the car and know that I was 'going home', and seeing the buildings so tall with so many people in them was part of where I live. I don't know how to describe that joy in my heart, but it is some type of affinity for Brooklyn in particular that I don't think is something I can describe. I loved living in Davisburg. I loved living in Lake Orion. I loved living in Richmond. But this is different. I don't know why, or what it is, but it is different. Some type of space in my heart, mind, and soul is filled because of Brooklyn.

E- After not acquiring one of the principal positions here this year, I was rather uncertain of what was going to happen with my job. Not uncertain in the fact that I had a loss of trust or was freaking out, but just wasn't sure what was going to happen or what God was going to do with this. I spent much time praying, trying to listen to God about where I might be, if I should look at a different company, different city, just uncertain. I even had a interview lined up to investigate working with another organization. But I cancelled that. I really believe in our company, the vision, the purpose. They have poured into me for nearly two years now, and I am so unbelievably thankful for what they have done for me not only professionally, but personally, and perhaps even spiritually to some extent. I am humbled by the level of excellence and commitment of the other professionals that i get to work with on a daily basis. I love what I do, and that passion continues to expand because of the things we are doing together. So after I cancelled that opportunity, I felt it was the right thing to do. After spending some time in GR this week, I now KNOW it was right. I found out that I will be (probably) helping the two new schools in NYC, maybe the new one in Atlanta, and working on some 'special projects'. The special projects are all leadership related, and I am flabbergasted (yeah, it's a word) to be involved in them. I am overwhelmed by AD's belief in me and confidence in my abilities to do this for the year, and I am very curious to see what this might develop into. So I do have a floorplan on my work for next year, and I am excited about that fo sho.

Lastly-there is much more to tell, but we are off to meals on heels, so I will spare you from more regurgitation. I'll leave you with the image of a dueling piano bar where they perform Rage Against the Machine's 'killing in the name of', and me enjoying that with some great friends.....

143 Days

2010-05-04T20:09:00.002-04:00

It has been a long time since attending my last NASCAR race, last one was MIS in '08. And I like that there NASCAR. So it hasn't been on the priority list since the nyc move came about. But this fall, I will be going to the Monster Mile. A friend of mine (the Yankee) said he would like to go. At first I thought he was kidding. But he wasn't. Now I have tickets. And we get to stay at his sister's for free. Bonus round. So 143 days from now, I'll be sitting in the stands with the Yankee. I just peed in my pants a little bit.

Not my thinking indeed.

2010-04-29T07:52:00.003-04:00

So how do you best serve God's will here on earth when you completely disagree with how things are going? Frustration is only a 11 letter word, and my thoughts tend to go more with three four letter words, because that is clearer than frustration. Sometimes, I simply have to ask myself "WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?" I know that I am not perfect, and I am CERTAIN that the last few years have taught me humility at an entirely new level. But how do people completely disregard others in order to serve themselves, and their own needs? There are situations in nyc where you must be assertive in order to not get trampled-sometimes literally as in a subway station, line of vehicles turning left, or the like. But in simple everyday interactions where you need to listen and think of others first, I find that my frustration with self serving people is HIGH. It is my hope that I never treated people like that in the past. I certainly try my absolute best to not treat them that way today. So I ask God for strength in dealing with what I see as self-serving incorrect decision making. That is the only thing that I can do, and it is SO HARD not to want to smack someone in the head. Thank you for self-control God.

nowyagokid

2010-04-23T06:10:00.003-04:00

I had a lot of fun playing men's softball back in the day. Friends and family enjoying time together, the competition of sport, the laughs that never ended afterward at a place called Winners (even though we were mostly losers). And when someone was batting, and a pitch was bad, before the next pitch, we would say 'nowyagokid'. This phrase suddenly popped into my head after last night. The search for the 'right' middle school for Alli has taken many many months. Meetings. Prayer. Considerations. Seeking advice. Attending things. Bus rides. Travel. Time. Effort. But it was all very enjoyable (i think). We found out last week that our daughter hit the lottery. (And the kkft joked last night about the fact that alli is the only one in the family that has hit the lottery) She was accepted into a charter school in Brooklyn. We found out about this after I met for lunch with a school board member from another charter school our company has in Brooklyn. He is on the board for both schools and told me about it. We did do some research, and it is quite impressive. Very responsive to middle level students, global learning, not just test scores, but developing the whole child, seeking IB status. Very impressive. Last night, we felt it was clear that this is where Alli should attend school. The smiles and the excitement were clear on all of our faces. Allison loved it. I know I continue to be impressed with it, and honestly, I'm excited about the fact that this is not a doe school where my child is just a number. Stand in line. Next. "Please wait over there, sir." So we even bought a T-shirt with the school name on it for the blond girl. Too cute. Even better is the fact that this is a new school that will end up being a 6-12 school, and it has sibling preference. The sibling thing means that when Liv gets to sixth, she is automatically guaranteed a spot. And that means no HS search/interview/application/meeting/time/etc. Superstar reminded me to not get too far ahead of ourselves, but I do really like the fact that this school seems to be a perfect fit with only 700 students at capacity for our 'small town' girlies. I am thankful that God led us to this school, and that He may have had something to do with her ticket being pulled at number 11. Nowyagokid.

Forever Love

2010-04-20T18:29:00.002-04:00

Why do you run?
What do you seek?
What are you looking for?
Where is it?
Your thing you seek.
It's not for you.
It's for me.
It's mine.
You can't have it.
You want it, but it's not yours.
It's mine.
Not for you.
For me.
My glory in you.
Trust me.
Why don't you trust me?
What is it that you seek?
It is mine. Trust me.
Go.
Among the nations.
Seek me.
My will
For you.
Trust me.
Forever love.

Sick in the Spring

2010-04-13T07:45:00.002-04:00

No, I'm not sick. But Pete is. Sick Pete made his return to nyc yesterday, if only for one night. It was a great night of delicious dinner, conversation, laughs, and more laughs as we and pastor spent the evening together. I was reminded of the many conversations we have had over the last 2 1/2 years that have pushed me closer to God because of how sick pete has challenged me in my walk. It was such a nice evening to have, and I hope it happens more in the future.
And speaking of Spring, my 'normal' drive home from school involves over a mile drive along Prospect Park. The drive does become mundane after a while, with all the lights, traffic, etc. But as pastor said last night, sometimes you see the city with new eyes and it catches you off guard. Yesterday, as I was on my way home to do a quick change and head off for the evening, I drove along the park and noticed the beauty of no longer being able to see into the park. Why you ask? Because the trees are nearly full of foliage, leaves, and the like. And the different hues of green, red, purple, white, yellow, and more reminded me of the new life we all have in us. A new beginning each season to grow closer to Him and each other. And then the tulips. I never thought of myself as a person that enjoys tulips, but when you walk along a small city park, and the tulips pass their scent onto you, and the colors fill your rods and cones, you are reminded that there is more to life than jobs and rent and car maintenance.
Thanks sick pete and pastor for an evening to renew and refresh. Even if you didn't really know that 'sangria' actully means 'bloodletting' en Español.

A dream come true....

2010-04-12T09:59:00.003-04:00

It's not what you are thinking. Or is it? I remember as a young adolescent having the dream of being a performer. I wanted to be a 'movie star' and move to Hollywood or New York City and be on stage. Or on the big screen. The movie thing didn't really seem that possible to me back then, so I do remember wanting to be in plays. Perhaps that is why I was involved in my senior play in HS, and various community theatre productions in college.
But my dream was to be on stage. On Broadway. Under the lights. In a real production. This weekend, my dream came true. It was not on Broadway, so I suppose it was an 'Off-Broadway' production. Actually, it wasn't much of a production. It was a simple set. Black boxes, folding chairs. There were lights, though, and I got to act with one of the most incredible actors (and mentors by the by) that I have ever met. So I finally made it. As blue eyes says-"if I can make it there, I'll make it....anywhere!" My dreams come true. Acting in New York City. Under the lights. Off Broadway. Unbelieveable that some creeker (cricker) made it. Thanks God for that opportunity.

P.S.-My beauties are way ahead of me in their lifetimes-they were on stage yesterday as well making their nyc debut. Tears in my eyes as I watched the girlies display the grace and poise and beauty that God has blessed them with. The excitement and pride and love almost made my heart crinkle.

Another no closes another door.

2010-04-10T21:53:00.002-04:00

Well after a strong showing in my interview last week with a board from Queens, they have decided to hire another candidate. The other candidate lives in the neighborhood, so that makes sense. I am a bit bummed as I was thoroughly impressed with the board, their knowledge and determination. So again, we are unsure of what exactly that means for the work we thought might be on the horizon in a few different locations for me. You would think that I would be kind of freaking out at this point, wouldn't you? But I'm not. This must be the 'peace that surpasses all understanding'. Because in the past I would have been somewhat freaking out, if not heavily involved in the freakout process. But I trust God has a different plan. I don't know what that is. Today I have no idea. But I do know He has provided us with more than we ever imagined possible not only on our ny journey, but for all of our lives. So the door closes. It is hard to watch it close, but the actual joy I sense as I look down the hallway to the next door that may or may not open is fun to experience. I trust that there is a door I can't yet imagine. What will it be? Benzr texted me, and her words really touched me tonight. The encouragement I have in my heart from her words is something I cherish, and I wonder if there might be something to do for/with her? We shall see. Whatever it is, I trust in Him for all that I need. And I am happy that He has me in the palm of his hand.

God's Beauty

2010-04-07T10:36:00.002-04:00

I may have failed to mention that superstar gave her testimony on Easter at the sunrise (or is it sonrise?) service in Central Park. I didn't ball my eyes out or anything, but I do know that God has provided me with a more beautiful woman than I deserve, or ever imagined spending my life with. I am so fortunate that she loves me - even when I don't deserve it. She is not only beautiful physically (and keeps getting hotter if you ask me), but beautiful in intelligence, insight, and emotions. She is beautiful spiritually, and she is my everything. Today I found out that my principal's husband died yesterday. My heart weeps for her in her loss, and it reminds me of how much God has blessed me with a piece of his Beauty through the superstar. She may have downplayed her testimony story at the sunrise service, but her heart and soul continue to build me closer to the kingdom daily in our lives, and I thank her for that. I love her more each day. I wish others knew how much it means to love someone as much as I love her. I hope that all of her desires come true each day for the rest of my life.

She is my superstar.

Will you trust me?

2010-04-06T10:21:00.003-04:00

On yet another glorious run through the park this morning, I was struggling with something. I am to meet with the school board on Wednesday. Our HR chief called me yesterday to 'give me the heads up' on this week's interview. I have come to feel like we have a great relationship, and that I can be very open and honest with him about everything, and we have shared in some intense conversations on God and our walks. So he tells me the board is interviewing another candidate that they actually brought to NHA who is a strong candidate that is local. All I can do is my best, but it appears that maybe this school is not on the horizon. I don't know that, and I am going to hit another home run tomorrow night. But as I ran and pondered the possibilities, I felt like God again challenged me to the question: 'Will you trust me?' and my answer is "I sure hope so." It has been hard to go through the range of emotions once with thinking something would happen, and it didn't. And now I may face that again. Perhaps if that happens it will be easier. But I strive to put my trust not in a school, or a position, or a principalship, but in He who created me for so much more. I will try to put all my trust in just that. Today. Tomorrow. And for the rest of this process. Help me Jesus, send the Holy Spirit to guide me.

****Mustard Seed Distributed****